Flatwormphroditeosexualaphile

I was looking up info on Flatworms. Fine I'll explain. Someone said that if one flatworm eats another then it absorbes the memories of the consumed worm. That sounded too cool for school, so i looked it up ... it's not really true. But in my efforts I did come across (Capt. Naps face ... OH!) this info. This a direct quote and it's possibly the funniest thing ever....i think Wikipedia has been had again.

" When two flatworms mate, they exchange sperm so both become fertilized. Some flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hancockanus engage in penis fencing, in which two individuals fight, trying to pierce the skin of the other with their penises. The first to succeed inseminates the other, which must then carry and nourish the eggs.[1]"

Grossest thing ever...

I just got a muffin from the bakery at Stop & Shop. And there was a friggin fingernail clipping in it. I know this because I was chewing it. It must have been a thumbnail because it was rather heafty. So gross. Sad thing is, I finished the muffin.

Black Metal

We all know that Black Metal is the funniest music ever. I'm not talking about Living Color (obvious joke). Look at these links to see just how awesome Black Metal is. It's quick and painless, I urge you to just look.

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 1

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 2

Pee Wee's "Play" house

I just watched an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse. It had Jimmy Smits in it as the Conky repair man. Here's the dialog between him and Ms. Yvonne.

Smits: "I'm just looking for my tool"
Yvonne: "Oh, is that a wrench in your pocket?"
Smits: "huh....oh yeah"

Seriously! And it gets better

Smits" "Well Pee Wee the next time something breaks you need to call a certified repairman. They always have the right tool for the job (looks at Ms. Yvonne) and they know how to use it."
Yvonne: "Well, why don't you swing by my house, i'm sure i got something that needs fixing. If not then we can just break it"
They walk out...HOLDING HANDS!!!

Is this a kids show!! What the hell is going on here. They're gonna fuck. I wonder if children understood that.

Ravi Shankar....

I wonder if he ever used the pick-up line "Get out of my dreams, and into my sitar"

Swirlee

This is seriously a movie that had David Caruso in it. It's not a coedy and YES that guy does habe an ice cream head. His name in the film is Mr. Softy. Read up on it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320555/

This is the plot...classic.

Plot Outline: A city dwelling man with a giant ice cream cone for a head tries to commit suicide by melting in a warm bath.

Seriously this is the most creative plot ever. Better than anything ever written. Better than Citizen Kane at least.

In honor of Steve Irwin

Just realized this....

I like to watch Thespian porn. The Merry Wives of Windsor going down on each others Periclits while Two Gentleman of Verona wack off behind a bush....man I'm gonna blow my Midsummer Nights Cream!!! I prefer lipstick Thespians. But I'm not bias, I'll check out any Thespian as long as they have huge Titus Andronicus. I like when Thespians use dildos on each others Coriolanus. Man, I need to Tame my Shrew.

Did you know?

That Fatty Arbuckle had a carbuncle.

Wanna smoke some seaweed?

I was fisting...er fishing and I caught a delicious piece of seaweed. Gooks eat seaweed. I had dried seaweed before, it tastes like shit...and i've eaten shit - it tastes like seaweed. I bet people that live in middle america don't even know about seaweed...unless there's lakeweed or pondweed. Is there?? Whatever. Here's what seaweed looks like.

Greatest image ever...

I was recently informed by a co-worker that while on his way to work he saw a black man rollerskating and eating a watermelon. Now i can't stop picturing this in my mind, it makes me smile every fucking time. This is the greatest image ever to grace my brain.....yeah thats right I said grace my brain. Lets break this down.

First you got the black man part, it's mildly entertaining i guess. I actually pictured a skinny homeless black guy wearing Flashdance-esqe clothing on (leotard and leg warmers). With huge 1970's headphones.

Secondly you got the rollerskating part...not rollerblading but actually ROLLERSKATING. I can just see him doing that crazy rolling backwards move or the bend down, stick out one leg and roll on one skate thing.

Lastly you got the eating watermelon thing. I really have nothing to say about that. But you picture that all together and it's just to good to be true.

Finally I just want to add that the greatest display of homeless shame that i've witnessed came one day when me and Captain Naps where on our way through Boston Common going to Fenway Park (um...on an alternate Earth somewhere in Space). We saw a black, drunk and very high homeless guy begging for change while wearing a full Cat in the Hat costume ... and this was a damn good costume too, not that cheap vinyl crap, this bad boy had like real fur. Very funny stuff.

Amok Time

People laugh at the acting in Star Trek TOS, even I have been guilty of this. It's not that it sucks, it's that it's so over acted and the sets are just so bad. And also Shatner thinks he's doing Hamlet half the time. But i'll tell ya, I was watching the episode "Amok Time" (aka Horny Spock) and man, the acting is amazing. Not good, AMAZING! The lady that plays T'Pau was excellent, a quick look up on IMDB for Celia Lovsky and you find she was basically a guest actress, in a ton of shows. But she gets an A++, she was born in 1897....what an old bitch. Also Nimoy was fantastic as well. I have a new appreciation for the show. I've watched a few more epsiodes since and I noticed how good the acting actually was....especially from the guest spots, great casting by the creators. Also the dude that stole Spocks wife in Amok Time is so hideous.

I suggest you watch "Who Mourns For Adonis?" and count how many times Scotty gets blasted by lightning while trying to save some broad, what a man won't do for sweet tang.

I'm back again !!

I have returned from my severe depression....lets rock !!! YEAH !!! Whatever. Anyway, I heard Richard Hatch is going to jail ... do you know how many jokes lie in this situation? Tons and I ain't touching any of them. But i'll say this...

The worst part about 9-11 was the fact that those terrorists ruined a perfectly good Public Enemy song. The saddest part was that it was one of Flava Flav's only solo songs. I mean seriously, the song "911 is a Joke" could never be played again. I fucking hate terrorism.

Friday Knight

I had a good idea last night. I was gonna do a parody of that song "Oh What A Night" ... i got this far.

"Oh Michael Knight, late September back in '83."

Then I realized it was Friday night and I was writing a stupid song parody about Knight Rider.

Then I got real depressed.

So thats that.

Kean Doontz

I recently got a Dean Koontz book and I noticed onr thing, he's a pretty vain bastard. You know how at the beginning of books there's 1-2 pages of good review quotes, like "It was terrific" Max Wright, Gay Crackhead Times. Now seriously this Dean Koontz book has 5 PAGES - Both sides, full of positive reveiw crap. Thats not the half of it.... Lets recap:

1. 5 pages of reveiws
2. One reveiw is "Terrific" ... thats it.
3. The Book is named "Dean Koontz': FRANKENSTEIN" ... he re-wrote Frankenstein??
4. It's actually a duel-author book with Kevin Anderson (of Star Wars novel fame, and is a really good author), yet in all 5 pages of positive praise it does't mention Kevin Anderson once.
5. He so obviously rips off Steven King.
6. I noticed while reading F. Paul Wilson books that Dean always writes a good comment in the beginning of the book. Then I noticed that around this time Koontz books oddly changed into a similar style as Wilson.

Koontz is such a phoney and a prick, yet I still read all of his books.

Hot Dog Girl

See this girl?

She's cute right?

I'd bang her.

Just for the hell of it.



Your about to see the hottest pics of her. Be prepared.


















I'd jerk off to all of these.




Especially This One.

Oh my.

Sonya Thomas is a Goddess

Video Store of Terror

So the U.S. finally killed that Arab guy. I'd look up his name but i'm to lazy. Anyway, I read in the paper that Al was a former video store clerk. (They all seem to be named Al right?) Anyway, how does one make the jump from a video store, to the head of a terrorist organization.

Int: Video Store Pakistan

Al: So as I was saying, we need to do more beheadings.

Bin-Ladin: Yes, I always wanted an infadel to give me head....get it!!

Al: HAHA, your too much. First we need to get our mits on some guns.

Bin-Ladin: Seriously man, no one says mits anymore.

Al: Whatever. We will make all inferior scum suffer to the ...

Customer: Excuse me. I'm looking for a romantic movie, any suggestions?

Al: My personal favorite is The Horse Whisperer, Robert Redford was pure magic.

Customer: Thanks

Al: So anyway, we cut at the base of the infadels neck thus severing the spine and ...

Customer: Hey, I need your opinion. Which Patrick Swayze movie is better, "Dirty Dancing" or "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar".

Al: Hmmm. tough choice there. Personally I would go with Swayze's first appearance, "Skatetown, U.S.A."

Customer: Thanks

Al: We need to kill as many American scum as possible, destroy the devils economy and ..

Customer: Hi, I'm ready to pay.

Al: Oh, the original Disney's Cinderella. Something for the kids eh? These new cgi cartoons have nothing against the visually stunning originals. AH! And one of my all time favs, "City Of Angels". Nic Cage had me crying like it was nobody's business. Would you like to purchase some Mike and Ikes for only $2.00 a box?

Bin-Ladin: So .... you wanna go halfs on a pizza or something?

....thats all i got.

Full House of Pain

I was looking at Full House episode discriptions and this one made me laugh my ass off.
" Joey starts seeing things when he gets bonked on the head with a coconut."
Thats classic! How hard was it write this show ... honestly.

Here's some of the other episodes. Now imagine the writers pitching these ideas in-front of excecutives. These are actual episodes.

Writer: Ok ready, "Jesse lets DJ and Stephanie stay up late with his band. They even have pizza delivered at night! Then Danny comes home. "

Exec: Hmm wow, that's fucking exciting. Pizza? At night? Wow, that's unheard of! Next.

Writer: How about, "Granny returns to find the house a mess and her granddaughter is a turtle. See what happens when Claire refuses to clean up after the boys."

Exec: A turtle? Are you high?

Writer: Check this, "Father/Daughter day turns out so great for the Tanner's until it has to end. And Joey in leather? ."

Exec: ".........."

Writer: "Find out why Jesse is about to mash Joey's potato. Why the cable goes out just when your about to watch something and how jealousy is the Green Eyed Monster".

Exec: "Your a sick fuck, man....seriously"

Writer: I got more, "Stephanie accidentally cuts part of Jesse's hair off and when he's on his motorcycle, his hair distracts him and he wrecks."

Exec: "HAHAHAHAHAHA ...... fuck you."

Writer: "Joey goes on star search"

Exec: "Is Joey gay or a child molester? He's a creepy 35 year old man that lives in a basement, he almost never has a broad over. He spends all of his time hanging out with little girls. Also, Danny seems really gay, he's obsessed with cleaning and shit. Furthermore, Uncle Jesse is obsessed with his hair and looks ... that's kinda gay."

Writer: "The show isn't gay!"

Exec: "The only thing good about the show is Kimmy. That skinny bitch in spandex always gives me a huge rod"

I believe the music to this is "Hammer Smashed Face" by one of my favorite bands, Canibal Corpse.

Gorn Hogan

Captain Naps and Gorn rastlin' , it gets pretty lonely on Neural Mountain. We tried to start our own Fight Club, but we are all panzies.....plus all the rocks here are aparently made of styrofoam.

Smells Teen Espirit ... what??

Every race has it's own smell. It's true, it's no stereotype. Here's a quick run-down:

Hispanics: small like tortilla's, really they do. I could never figure out what the smell was until one day when I was actually heating up a tortilla and I said "H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T"

Asians: honestly, they smell like fish. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still find Asian women hot as hell. And hell is pretty hot, this I know from that old Squirel Nut Zippers video. "In the afterlife..."

Blacks: might as well just say it ... B.O. Well, sometimes coco-butter. I don't know if deoderant just doesn't work on you guys.

Arabs: totally smell like curry. Not Mark Curry, but the spice ... curry. I've eaten curried chicken and then you sweat that shit out and man....you smell like a dirty towel head.

Jews: i'm gonna go out on a limb and say... money. I really don't know, it's to general. In fact is Jewish a race or a religion? How can you say that Sharone, Seinfeld and Davis Jr. are all the same race???

Native Americans: i guess they small like a drunk guy, and probably unwashed ass.

Old People: small like piss and dirty hair....oh black people also smell like dirty hair. And yes Old people are a race, an inhuman race of ungrateful bastards.

Europeans: i think they also smell like b.o. I really don't know. Italians smell like olive oil.

OK, i lost interest in this.

PS: NEVER watch Lost in Translation, what a piece of shit movie!!

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is such a good actor. He's slowly taking over the top spot on my favorite actor list, sorry Michael Keaton. I recently watched the movie Shopgirl, it was fantabulousticly fantabulous. Martin, wrote, directed and co-stared in it AND he also wrote the book....which i just purchased (Barnes is so overpriced). He wrote some great films, The Jerk, Three Amigos, Roxanne, LA Story, Bowfinger and ..... um the Pink Panther. Seriously this movie cant be good. I really have nothing funny to say. He always had white hair though. That was kinda wierd....yeah. Anyway, remember that skit from Saturday Night Live when he was an Egyptian Farrow.
"Born in Babylonia but was raised in Arizona, KING TUT!" ......was that funny????

UPDATE: I just noticed that I wrote Farrow instead of Pharaoh....thats funny.

CATS

Cats are friggin' gross. That whole hairball thing is real fucked up. How come animals can get away with shit that humans can't. Can a human puke on your rug and then go sit down and lick his own balls? Maybe. But, it wouldn't be right. Male cats spray that shit everywhere to attract females, what is that stuff?? What If Cats where as big as the ones in Cats the Musical.

Munkustrap: Are you blind when you're born?
Demeter: If I was blind, then how would I lick my own balls and taint.
Plato: Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?
Demeter: Plato your fucked up man, weez be cats, we don't bark. Are you related to Dana Plato? I'd bang her......postmortem!!
Bombalurina: When you're walking alone?
Demeter: Was that even a sentence? I need to puke on the floor, then spray my jizz on the corners of couches.
Munkustrap: Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do. Jellicles do and Jellicles would. Jellicles would and Jellicles can. Jellicles can and Jellicles do.
Demeter: What are you fuckin crazy? Jellicles? What the fuck iz that? Munkustrap, your a pussy.
Munkustrap: Touche

Offensive....i can't think of a pun.

What is up with people being offended by the stupidest things. Such as Black people being offended when people say that they like chicken and watermelon....seriously think about this. You take offense to food. Fucking food!! I don't care if someone says that I like turkey bacon. I hate turkey bacon but I could care less if you say that I like it. Man....turkey bacon sucks. It's like eating a shoe....Elizabeth Shoe!! or her lesser known brother Andrew Shoe...whatever floats your boat. So what was I saying???

Oh and also Jews are offended when people say that they run Hollywood, they are also offended when you say that they have money. You morons do realize that running Hollywood is A GOOD THING!!! You fucking idiot. Is it really anti-semetic to say that you are successful????

Asians are offended when we say that they are good at Math??? Hispanics are offended when we say they eat tacos???? Arabs are offended when we call them terrorists??? OK so I guess thats a good one to be offended by....except for the fact that they actually ARE all terrorists.

I am offended by nothing....in fact white people are offended by nothing. Say anything you want...call me a honkey and i'll laugh at the hilarity of the word...honkey. It makes me think of Konkey from Pee Wee's Playhouse....and man, does it get any funnier than that?

Barbecue’s meat

My name is Barbecue and I’m outraged at this slanderous article. It is full of lies!

Barbecue’s meat linked with prostate cancer

A compound formed when a certain someone’s meat is used in sexual relations, this person’s initials are BBQ-- as in Barbecue – his meat encourages the growth of prostate cancer, researchers reported on Sunday.

Their study, presented at a meeting of the Association for Cancer and Stuff, may help explain the link between Barbecue’s meat and a higher risk of prostate cancer.

It also fits in with other studies suggesting that Barbecue’s meat juices may cause cancer as well.

“It appears to both initiate and promote the growth of prostate cancer”, Dr. Mind Bender said. “I would suggest that any MAN that’s been with Barbecue be checked out immediately”

Researchers spoke with Barbecue’s superior officer Falcon who when asked if Barbecue’s meat has caused any problems in the ranks, aswered simply ”…what?”

"We stumbled across a new potential interaction between ingesting Barbecue’s meat and cancer," Dr. De Estro said in a statement. “If you are an animal such as a sheep, and you’ve had relations with Barbecue, I’d suggest getting your prostate checked immediately”

"I would suggest that all humans stay away from Barbecue’s meat. That goes for you Scarlet and you too Gung Ho. That’s right, it’s no secret Mr. Gung Ho. Why else would you wear an opened vest that exposes your bare chest?"

PS: Barbeque has AIDS.

- C.O. Bracommander

What’s up with that!!!!

The Oscar Shindlers....

How can Phillip Seymour Hoffman win best actor? Is Capote in the theatre? Has ANYONE seen it? Has it made $100? How can Crash win best movie? Did ANYONE see it when it was in the theate? How did Clooney win best supporting? Did ANYONE see Syriana? Is Munich even out yet? All the good movies/money-making movies got snubbed and these shitty movies won. What about, Star Wars Episode III, Harry Potter, King Kong, Batman, War of the Worlds, Charlie and Choco Factory ... hmm maybe they need a sci-fi catagory. They also NEVER nominate horror movies. Whatever, i dont even care!

B-back Mtn.

I've shyed from the Brokeback Mountain jokes...it's just to easy. But hell, i'm outta shit to write-so here goes. First off, i cant believe Ang Lee directed this. I guess it just shows what a good director he is. He turned The Incredible Hulk into a pussy, now he turns Heath Ledgers rod into Jake Gyllenhaal's ass. The only thing gayer than Brokeback Mountain is the cast for the supposed Donnie Darko follow-up movie...check it out. Brokeback Mountain is gayer than a David Sedaris essay (great writer by the way). For a director that seemed obsessed with computer animation, i was very disappointed to find out that there wasn't a CGI anal scene...cuz nothing says "I Love You" like violent anal. I haven't masturbated this much to an Anne Hathaway movie since Ella Enchanted. I thought of a good commercial....we all know the classic Brokeback line " I wish I knew how to quit you".... the commercial starts with a shadow of a mans head - he has something fallical in his mouth - he says " I wish I knew how to quit you" - the lights go on and he's smoking a cigarette!!! Stupid. I think when Ang makes Hulk 2 it's going to be very homoerotic, maybe Hulk and Wendigo fall in love....

HULK: Hulk SMASH!!!
WENDIGO: YEEEH! ....Boy Hulk that was great....and rather disgusting.
HULK: I figure we got a one-shot deal going on here.
WENDIGO: It's nobody's business but ours.
HULK: You know I ain't queer.
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: .........Neither am I.
HULK: Good
WENDIGO: You are too much for me Hulk, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.
HULK: [crying] Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I'm like this! I ain't got nothing... I ain't nowhere... Get the fuck off me!
WENDIGO: Um...first off jackass, i ain't on you...that's a blanket. Secondly it's because of Gamma Rays your like this. And lastly....do..do you even know how many sanitation wipes i've gone through trying to clean up your mess.....Jesus it's like a fucking Elmers Glue factory exploded!!

later

Captain Marvel: You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there.
WENDIGO: Wa-wa-what...do you mean...cough.
Captain Marvel: Nothing ... what do YOU mean.
WENDIGO: I ain't queer.
HULK: Neither am I.



Wolverine Teabags Wendigo.

Interesting Ted Cassidy factoids....

Did you know? That Ted Cassidy who played Lurch on the Adams Family was also the voice of Gorn in Star Trek TOS episode Arena and also the voice of Balok in the Corbomite Maneuver.

Fuck U 2!

I really hate Bono. He's such an annoying prick. He gives to charity but the way he flaunts it makes me sick. His opinions about the homeless, war and race ... are so irritating because he so "in your face". The only reason why he pretends to give a shit, is to get some publicity for his next overrated hit. Bono is so phony and he can't really sing, and i'm pretty sure I heard him say "Fuck Martin Luther King". Those obnoxious aviator-esque sunglasses really look queer, if Bono died in a tragic gay-sex accident - i wouldn't shed a tear. I'm rather sure that he bangs The Edge, he shaved the hedge of The Edge, while The Edge plowed his wedge. I really hate Bono and I hate U-2 too, Bono should fry in an oven like a .... you know. Anyway, Growing Pains was a good show starring Kirk Cameron ... i only mention that because I had to rhyme something with Potato Famine. In conclusion, Bono is an arrogant fake .... anyone remember that band Cake. They where pretty decent right?

Book Storezzzzzzzzzzzz

I hate Book Stores. Their I said it! I go there looking for a book yet they never have it so I ask the guy at the desk if they have it and they will either A) go over to the shelf and look at the same exact spot I was looking at, wow thanks because I don't know the fucking alphabet and I couldnt find the author or B) they will order the book for me. They really seem to want to order the book for me but really I wish they wouldn't. Now instead of just getting the book on amazon.com I have to wait 3 weeks for Borders to email me and tell me the book i wanted just came in and now I have to go drive all the way to the store and pick it up. I guess I could just tell them not to bother in ordering the book but I feel bad for them. they seem really needy.

Also I hate Employee Selections. Wow some college nerd likes some queer book. Jeez that book really turned your crappy life around. What where you doing before?? Also every story has someone who always selects a comicbook(or a graphic novel). what a nerd.

And Lastly I hate when I am looking for a book on a shelf and there is someone in front of it. And Instead of moving out the way they move in closer to the shelf. Hey asshole I wasn't trying to get by! I was looking for a book. So either I have to A) slide up real close to the guy and try to look infront of it even though he is really close to the shelf and i really love having to get on my knees to find something on the bottom shelf because thats not gay...right?? or B) what I usually do, I pretend that i was going to walk around the guy and go look at something else and wait for him to leave so i can go get my book.

In conclusion I always thought Natasha Lyonne was kinda cute. She was the girl in American Pie but I prefer her in Slums of Beverly hills. I guess she became a coke head and was homeless for awhile and ended up in a Coma. I figure now I really have a chance with her. I bet I am starting to look pretty good...hmmmm??? I still wouldn't have anything to say to her though. So a coma huh??? hows that going for you?

Dasani

Did you ever drink spring water and it tasted like shit? Let me tell you, Dasani water tastes like shit. Like as if I was drinking from a toilet....a used toilet. My tap water is vile and undrinkable but I honestly think it's better tasting than Dasani. How is this? How can "spring" water taste bad? Well, Dasani ain't technically spring water....it's that reverse osmosis mumbojumbo....well I saw Osmosis Jones and it was cartoonishly grotesque....just like Dasani! Dasani, Italian nonethless....it should at least taste like veal parm.

Miner Threat

We all now about the miner tragedy. The front page of the Boston Herald today said "Miner Miracle!" haha great pun guys......too bad they all died. Greatest American media fuck up since "Dewey Wins". Man, people are still miners?? This is 2006! And we still have guys going into mines. Amazing. The spouses of these guys should all be sent to jail ..... FOR HAVING SEX WITH A MINER!! Get it??? Thank you. Hold the applause, please.