Inside the Trekers Studio, with James Lipton

We are here with the courageous, unheralded and sexy William T. Riker, former Liutenant of the U.S.S. Enterprise and current Captain of the U.S.S. Titan. Welcome Mr. Riker, it is a pleasure.


Yeah, whatever.




You look wonderful, i see you kept your thick lucious beard. Maybe we could merge beards sometime?




...what?



.......HA HA HA




....HA HA




...HA HA HA, seriously




I'm not gay.




HA HA HA, so how IS Deanna Troi these days?




She's a bitch.




It must be horrible to have a women that can read your mind, yes?




It's hell. She knows things about me that no one should.




Like how you are sexually attracted to men.




What...no, i'm not gay! Whats with that?




Well my show is on Bravo......and I did Broadway.....I produced The Mighty Gents!




...um ok.




So what ARE you up to these days?.




Well my life has been plentiful since I killed all those people on the Pegasus. You know, Picard was kind of a dick...



but he is sexy?




....um yeah i guess. Anyway, I hated everyone on the Enterprise and i'd like to forget about that chapter. So now I just chill, drink some Aldorian Ale....and whatever. My current tour with the U.S.S. Titan just ended and that sucked. Currently I live in a nice home on Risa where I'm a member of the School Board. My nickname is Bad Moon Risan.

No it's not




...it's not.




As you know I produced "Monteith and Rand", how IS Yeoman Rand these days?




I seriously could care less




Well know it's time for some questions.




Fuckin-A




What is your favorite word?




Engage




What is your least favorite word?




ENGAGED




What turns you on?




Betazoid Chicks




What turns you off?




um..MEN




What sound do you love?




Love making ..... with women.




What sound do you hate?




French Accents




What is your favorite curse word?




Algeron IV Fandangler Fucker




What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?




A Gigalo...for women




What profession would you not like to participate in?




I'd say a person that works with tards....or as i like to call them kickballs.




If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say, when you arrive at the pearly gates?




Would you like to be my Captain?




That was so lame




I hate you so much.



Well, thats all the time we have here. I'd like to thank Captain William T. Riker and join us next time when we examine the late Data's disembodied head......of which I purchased on E-Bay. Goodnight.

Stuff

I just saw this headline on Yahoo News. "Anthrax kills 18 hippos in Ugandan Park" ...
Thats worse than White Snake killing 100 people in Rhode Island.

Mugato's Review

On this episode of Mugato's Review i'll be looking at board games. Remember those things? Before video games and good solid hardcore porn? People just don't get together anymore and play these things. Here are some of my favs and least....favs. Whatever. I seriously spent way to much effort on this.


Clue - Liked this game back in the day, but I recently played it and it ain't so great. Although I LOOOVED the movie, especially when they shoot the singing tell-a-gram lady. A "who done it" game, who, where and with what. It was "OJ, with a Knife, in the Side yard!". B-

Operation - Just down right disturbing. A game about operating on someone? Seriously this game is too hard, my hands shake like Michael J Fox. The board itself is a piece of shit and you lose all the little pieces. Why does this guy have a bucket in his knee....and a friggin horse in his leg! What happened!!! They need to upgrade this game so that you can remove cancer from the dudes ballsack. C

Battle Ship - I always liked this game. It's been years since I played it, maybe it sucks...who knows? Electronic is better than the regular version, and a strategy game for kids that involves theoretically killing thousands of crewmen is pretty sweet. I'd always cheat and say "Miss" when it was really a "Hit" and then when I got caught I'd say "I'm not playing anymore!!!". I remember when my little brother almost chocked to death on one of those pegs....hahahahahahahaha....memories. B+

Pictionary - Interactive games suck. This game involves getting too personal with people....like Twister....but not at all. There's alway that dick that can't draw for shit. "What the fuck is that?" "IT WAS A MAILBOX!" .... "It looks like Pac-Man eating a fuckin baby???" F

Perfection - This game is horrid. That dude in the commercial with plastic Jay Leno chin was terribly creepy singing "Pop goes Perfection!". Nothing gave you more of an anxiety attack then when that friggin thing popped up. In the 6th grade Science Fair I had to do something on the atomic bomb. So I got Perfection and put army guys on it and set it off, then my pitch was this "...um yeah, thats what happened when the bomb hit Japan." Seriously that was the worst day of my life. F

Mouse Trap - To tell you the truth, I just used this game as a base for my GI Joes. I really don't have any clue how to play it, it seemed like alot of effort to set up though. INCOMPLETE


Monopoly - One of the best ideas for a game ever. It keeps me interested, at least for the first hour. Then you just want to lose and get it over with. There's always that one kid that attempts to rob the bank and there's also the one that wants to be a loan shark when you run low on cash. If only you had a Get Out of Jail Card in real life. "I sentence you to life in prison for the murder of Lacy Peterson" .... "....yeah um, your honor, you see I got this card thing" Trump was pretty much a Monopoly a rip off too. A-

Simon - What the fuck is this? Never understood it really. The commercials where so condesending, "Can you handle Simon?"...."Can you!" . Screw you, get a life. It's almost as bad as Bop-It. F


Life - I really hate this game. No joke, everytime I played this game my life turned out horribly. "Your a 40 year old, drug addicted, AIDs patient" ...... "So.....did I win??" D



Trivial Pursuit - Your simple trivia game, but damn fun and damn hard! Who knows "What year Emperor Constantine I rebuilt Byzantium?" AD 330 of course! .......like I didn't just look that up right? I can't seem to find the orginal Pursuit, it's all gimmicky shit now. A+


Risk - Greatest strategy game ever, hands down. Basically you just defeat everyones army and take over the world. Only negative is that it takes like a week to play. I really suck at it too, i always end up with the Northwest Territory and Madagascar. When I was a little tyke my friend and I got into a fight over who was gonna be Hitler, We planned to stay up all night to play Risk and watched Morton Downey Jr., true story. Another good strategy game is CONQUEST OF THE EMPIRE. A-

Candy Land/Chutes and Ladders - Same gay ass game, in my mind. I know it's for kids and shit, but these games blow. I always thought it was Shoots and Ladders.....you get all the way to the friggin top and then you land on the chute that takes you back to the start.....i wanted to kill myself when that happened. I got the same rage that I would get everytime I lost at Super Mario 1 ..... "FUCK!!! (smash the controller)" .... (yell at my sister) "You where talking!!!! You made me lose" ..... (cry) .... (smack myself in the face) ..... And that was 2 days ago! F

Connect Four - I actually like this game, it's tic-tac-toe on a rack. Get four chips in a row and you win. The commercial pissed me off, with the little bitch "I Win" .... "What? You bitch. What are you rubbing it my face or something? Fuck you!" B+


Hungry Hungry Hippos - Lots of hype, and a huge let down. Looks cool, especially on the commercial. "Yeah! Hippos! Hungry ones to boot! Eating Stuff! Yeoow!" It's really dumb though. In the arcade it ain't so bad, but at home it's a bit lame. Why the 2 Hungry's? C


Parchese/Trouble/Sorry - It's all the same. Same typical board game setup and same boring premise. Screw the pop-o-matic bobble, "Sor-ry" ... shut up jerk-face!, I played Parchese with my grandmother ... nuff said. F


Scrabble/Boggle - Same thing, but it's a fun game. I really can't spell well, but I still have fun with this kind of game. My super cool high school friends and I used to play our own version called Star Trek Scrabble, you can only use Star Trek related words. It was pretty gay. PS: Fuck Yahtzee A

Stratego - Extreme checkers, knock-off chess. This is actually one of my favs. It's Risk-light, it puts faces to your plain old black and red checker pieces and it has chess-like piece manuevers. Fun game, at one point in my life I actually remember betting on Stratego games. A-

Amazing if your playing with chicks. Not cool at all if your playing with dudes. INCOMPLETE



Key To The Kingdom Game - Lots of people don't remember this one. It was kind of like a Dungeons and Dragons board game (yet I hated the actual D&D board game). You travel around the Kingdom and search for the Golden Key and you fight monsters. It was cool that there was 6 different play areas on the board. Honestly it was a good game, but there was way to many pieces to it. Heros Quest was also decent. B

Spinjas - Mutha-F'n Spinja's Biatch! Holly molly, what a kick-ass game. First you have a Battle Stadium, then take cool figures with names like "Gore" and "Mangle" and you attach the to spinning tops. You put them in a launcher and send em spinning and brawling in the pit of the stadium! So basic, but so fun. The cool thing was that you could purchase additional spinjas seperately and build your own team. It's funny when the tops just spin and spin but never touch and they keep going till one finally gives out....it's so funny. A few months ago me and Captain Naps played this game for like an hour, it was neato. A

Weapons and Warriors - Not technically a "board" game, but one of the best games ever! You have actually working catapults and bows that shoot marbles. Yo have to destroy the other persons castle by knocking off various pieces. Watch out for the catapults though because the marble flies very quickly and very far....I purpously shot myself in the face with it, just to see what it felt like and it split my lip. Hmmm, evidently this game came in 1994, which would make me way to old to be doing that. A

Mid-Life Crisis - My parents had this game in the 80's. Now I understand why! Here's the official OBJECT: Get through your middle years with more money, less stress, and fewer divorce points than your opponents. Or to declare a mid-life crisis, in which case you must go broke, get divorced, and crack up before anyone else reached the end of the game. It's the game of Life in Bizarro world. B

Most Disturbing Game Name - POOH PARTY GAME. Sure it's Winnie the Pooh, but read this little write up from a website. "Buy quality Pooh Game online. If you're a fan of Pooh Game, you'll love the selection. Click now and have your Pooh Game on the way today. ... Looking for just the right Pooh Game online? Now your Game is available from our favorite Pooh shop ... High quality Pooh Game, easy secure online ordering, and great customer service." I'm gonna puke.

Biggest Waste of Money - BLOOD BOWL. It's a football board game, except instead of humans it's Ogre's. It cost like $50 ten years ago, and I always wanted it. Now I realize it's gay. They still have tournaments, much like Magic the Gathering. My life isn't THAT depressing.


Worst game ever - BIBLE BASEBALL. The day before I dropped out of Sunday School, they broke out this little gem. I'm not even gonna explain it.

Well thats It! I'm glad I wasted your time.

ASK KLOOG

One of the patrons here at "Mugato's Bar and Grill" has requested a column on the blog. I'll give him a shot. He's a drunk, he's here 24-7 and well he has what you humans call tourettes. His name is Kloog and this is his advice column, ASK KLOOG.

Dear KLOOG: Recently, I misdialed a long-distance number and got someone's answering machine. It took a minute or two to realize my mistake. When I called the telephone company, hoping they would negate the charge, I found myself talking to another machine. Finally, a live person solved my problem in one minute. But it took almost 30 minutes to get to her, and it was exhausting and frustrating. This recorded message business has gone too far. It's impossible to get a real, live person on the phone anymore. What gives? ---Jerry Atrix

KLOOG: Are you fucking serious? No really, are you fucking serious? Your pissed about a phone recording wasting your precious time, yet you sat down and wrote this piece of shit of a letter to me. Go fuck yourself. Goooooooooooo fuck yourself. What shitbag actually WANTS to deal with a real person? People suck! You son of a Skagaran whore, aubergine stew faced, Dokkaran fucking prick face, arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: After my father passed away, Mom offered my brother the downstairs apartment of her home. Mom lives upstairs and agreed to let him live on the ground floor for the first year rent-free. After that, he was supposed to start paying rent. It is now seven years later, and my mother has yet to see a full month's rent. How could I get my brother to pay up? ---- Bill Ding
KLOOG: Think I give a fuck? Do you honestly think I care that your father shit the bed? Fuck you, you aldorian ale drinking, isolinear rod sucking, son of a mugato's uncle! arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: Last September, I attempted suicide. My whole life was a mess. I was unconscious for three days and almost died, but thank God, I lived. But now I feel like killing myself again, what should I do? ---- Sleepless in Cialis
KLOOG: Kill yourself. I must say that i'm disappointed you lived the first time. Just do it, end your miserable friggin life. You think your life is hard? I fought in the ring of Triskelian for 15 years. Ever reach over and put your hand in a pile of goo that was once your best thrall's face?!?! Fuck off and die. Next.

Dear KLOOG: I was married last Valentine's Day. I am 26, and "Curtis" is 28. I have no children of my own, but Curtis has an 8-year-old son. I consider myself a good person, loving and warm, and I have always loved children -- until now. Frankly, I don't know what to make of it. I'm ashamed to say I hate this little boy. Can you help me? -- Desperate in Daled IV
KLOOG: Look bitch, I dig you. First of all...you say you consider yourself a nice person, then you say you hate a little kid. Such a contradiction, I think I love you. Can I please violently have sex with you? You whoring Kanarian whore-faced, whore......arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!! PS: "Curtis" is a fag.

Dear KLOOG: Today, I received a letter from the U.S. Government saying I owed 3 cents to the Department of Education on a student loan. When I paid the balance a month ago, I called to verify the amount and added 75 cents just in case it was off. Well, now, in addition to the 3 cents, it seems it will cost me an additional 32 cents for the stamp. I don't want to pay, what should I do? ---Mr. Richman
KLOOG: You miserable cheap fuck. It's a few cents you fucking cheap fuck. Your a Ferengi aren't you? Go whack-off your lobs, asshole....arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: How can I diplomatically tell my sister that I don't think it's a good idea for her son, who is 14, and his sister, who will soon be 12, to sleep together? --- Steve Ven
KLOOG: I believe Marie Antoinette said it best when she said "Let em fuck". If I had an 80's Black Metal band I would name it "Sister Fister". Let me just get this chant going, Steeeven! Steeeeven! Steeeeven! ............. YOU SUCK!!!

Feel free to ask me any questions or leave a comment. You humanoid Nondoran tomato paste suckers! arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Jazz

I'm sorry, but I hate jazz music. I don't mean big band and swing bands, because thats pretty cool....i'm talking about straight up jazz. Sure I guess it's cool that it's considered "intelligent" and "the math of music", also most of the original jazz performers did heroin. But man does it suck. I've tried to like it, it's damn near impossible. Maybe i'm shallow, but musically it doens't make sense. I dare you to listen to a WHOLE jazz album............it makes you want to die, seriously it does. And really someone inform Bill Cosby that black people really don't like jazz music anymore. Who would you rather listen to John Coltrane or Wham?? No contest, i'd still take Wham....and then i'd listen to their music! huh? The only good thing that came from Jazz is one of my favorite zingers..."I was in Korea last night.......Chic Correa!" he's a crappy jazz guy. Here on Neural Planet we got almost 3ft of snow, I'm tired of being cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mugato's Entertaining Ideas

While working on our failed sitcom attempt, Naps and I discovered this. We were thinking up plot ideas one day and while looking on TVTOME.com at episode guides of old 80's shows to see how bad the plots were, we got this idea:

1. Take the episode guide to Beverly Hills 90210 (or any show)
2. Copy and paste it into Word
3. Do Find/Replace and replace each characters name with a new name.
Such as - FIND: Brenda, REPLACE WITH: Alby
4. Then read it through and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

It's a great way to kill some time and entertain yourself. It's almost as good as masturbating or as the Indians call it.....Maize. Here's an example, I took The Odd Couple Season 3 and Replaced Oscar with Hitler and Felix with Jesus.

Season 3
48.
Computer dating disaster: Hitler gets matched with Jesus' ex-wife.
49.
Hitler and TV sports legend Howard Cosell engage in a tongue-to-tongue showdown. (what????????)
50.
Hitler falls in love with a princess from a very small country whose royal portrait is being shot by Jesus.
51.
Jesus takes a writing course and gives the words "no talent" new meaning. (take that Jesus!)
52.
Hitler and Jesus join Brother Ralph, a former ad exec who turned his back on the rat race, at the Brotherhood of Life Mission for a retreat of peace and contemplation. (this would be a good episode actually)
53.
Hitler is unable to start writing his book while Jesus won't stop cracking his whip. (i say whip it...whip it good!)
54.
Hitler has a great and unusual idea about how to prevent his mother from knowing about his divorce. (...hmm distract her by killing millions of jews)
55.
Jesus can direct his first television commercial, if Hitler uses his friendship with Deacon Jones to get the elusive football player to appear in the ad. (Deacon, how dare you!!!)
56.
Jesus suffers from a very unique case of trauma while expecting a child. (huh?)
57.
Jesus intends on giving Hitler a surprise party -- regardless if he likes it or not.
58.
After meeting Allen Ludden and Betty White at a restaurant where our buddies were having dinner with their dates, Hitler and Jesus practice Password at home with their friends, and then try out for the show, where they become contestants, and the hilarity ensues!
59.
Jesus tries to be a pal to his daughter.
60.
A mystery woman makes Hitler and Jesus rivals. (i'm guessing thats not the only thing)
61.
Jesus nurses Hitler's ulcer. (gross)
62.
Terminal incompatability almost throws Jesus out. (this doesnt even make sense)
63.
The IRS summons Jesus. (haha)
64.
Hitler's secretary is doomed when she becomes Jesus' agent. (he's such a premadonna)
65.
There's only one way Jesus can get new costumes for his opera group: Hitler has to win the money in a pool game. (i'd watch this)
66.
Jesus becomes lawyer to himself and Hitler after they get charged with ticket scalping.
67.
After Jesus gets angry at Hitler for burning his bed, Hitler suggests that they appear as contestants on a New York version of Let's Make a Deal so they can win a bed as a prize. What do they dress as? Front and back ends of a horse! What happens? You'll have to see to believe! (that is the dumbest plot ever! remember that movie the burning bed!)
68.
Hitler lies to his mother and tells her that he has a girl -- and she wants to meet her.
69.
After repainting the apartment, Jesus gets the redecorating bug and does the entire place over in ultra modern furniture. Hitler can't stand it, and redefines "bad taste" in his makeover with furniture from a discount house.
70.
Jesus and Hitler try to get rid of a depressed houseguest. (lame ending to season 3)

See it's funny......right???

Noah'z Ark

There was this show on the history channel entitled "Noah's Ark: The True Story". Now i'm not agnostic, but i'm sorry.......the TRUE story!!! Can you really say that??? I'm offended by the simple fact that this is on the History Channel. Isn't history supposed to be stuff that actually happened?

First of all, i guess the dude could have built an ark, i'm not doubting that. But you really want me to believe that he somehow traveled around the world and collected two of EVERY creature and also fit them into the ark....AND had enough food and water to keep them alive for the 40 days and 40 nights (or whatever it was).........I mean seriously it's not possible. So you want to argue that it was a miracle, God took care of all the tidbits, Noah just drove the boat. Well it's GOD!!! He could have easily had just killed everyone and kept those damn animals alive, he can do whatever he wants!! Why would he have Noah build and ark and do all that crap....for shits and giggles (what does that even mean)!!!

Look, the bible has great morals and guidance, but stop taking the "STORIES" literally. There wasn't an Ark, there wasn't a Giant and a guy didn't live in a whale!

I noticed i'm a big fan of this "........" and commas,,,,,, and exclamation points !!!!!! and multiple question marks ????? and also the surprise zinger, such as this:
I was in Dakota last night...............DAKOTA FANNING! (making yourself seem like a child rapist is always funny)
or
I was in Ferris Bueller..........LITERALLY! (making yourself seem gay is always good for big laughs)

This is a funny thing to say to someone:
"My favorite scene in the karate kid is when he wax-off" (yet again making yourself seem gay = laughs)

Make some "White" Noise!

Hmmm. Alright, here it goes. Me and the Captain (who I secretly hate) skipped work and saw White Noise. I previously said that White Noise was gonna be the best movie ever right? Well...don't listen to me...EVER. I'm not saying it sucked, it was a decent movie. But thats it...just a decent movie.

The movie starts off slow. It's a big build up to the plot, which you already know what it's going to be like a minute into the movie. So your basically thinking "ALRIGHT ALREADY...I GET IT!" The concept is an interesting one, which keeps you watching I guess, but the twist is pretty weak and the ending isn't all that. Without giving out any of the movie, i just want to point out one thing. Like, literally 5 people die while in the company of Michael Keaton....yet the cops never suspect him??? I mean come on, he's a nice guy and all, but isn't that a little strange? Everytime, the SAME cop shows up at a crime scene and he questions Michael Keaton as an eye witness.

Cop: Hey, so what happened this time?
Keaton: Yeah, she fell out the window....not like yesterday when I was with the guy that got beaten to death....and then when my wife mysteriously disappeared also.
Cop: Yeah....well I'll see ya later.

As always Michael Keaton was good. I laughed when he cried and I also laughed when they showed this lady in a wheelchair. Thats not I lie...i really laughed. Whatever, it's a one timer, you'll come out thinking "It was alright, but I really have no desire to see it again".

I just re-read my review...... and I seriosuly can't write for shit, i'm an illiterate moron! Somewhere between my brain and my hands....my ideas get all fucked up! Whatever, go to hell.

New Segment

I'm going to introduce a new segment on Mugato's Blog. There's this homeless guy that hangs around out back...he picks through the trash, harrasses people for money and I suspect he's a male prostitute as well. All that said, he claims to be from Earths past and knows a great amount about 20 and 21st century Earth. He acts like a dick sometimes but he's harmless, so without futher adioux (??) I introduce "Khans Music Review".

Thanks Mugato you hairy prick. My name is Khan Noonien Singh and I'm a genious on all things musical, as well as the best lover in the universe. Look at those pecks...seriously, LOOK AT THEM! Let me just say that I really miss eating Steak-Ums, also I've been meaning to warn Earth about a big tsunami thats gonna hit the Thailand area this year...i'd keep an eye out for that. Well today i'm gonna tell you about a band named "Armor for Sleep".

Armor for Sleep debuted in 2002 with the album "Dream to Make Believe". You can go to www.dreamtomakebelieve.com to listen to the album, my personal favorites are "Being Your Walls", "My Town", "Wanderer's Guild" and "Slip Like Space". Now I don't agree with genres, but i guess technically you could say that they are "emo"...stick with me though!, they are pretty cool. Musically this band is tight and very melodic with some catchy chorus riffs. I've heard them described as "tripy" and "spacey"......i guess?? I'd say more like dark and cold, like it reminds me of winter for some reason, basically shitty wheather music. Singer songwritter Ben Jorgenson writes some kick ass lyrics, but rather depressing, which is always good. The running themes are space, time-travel, paranormal and dreams.....ha ha what a loser. Anyway, they are really ugly...nowhere nearly as hot and oily as me! For more info, go to www.armorforsleep.com. Man, I may be a genious but I can't write a review for shit! Anyway, till next time you scum, this is Khan saying "Let them eat static".

HA HA HA...EMO?! Your such a fruit! Sorry, nice job Khan. You can pick up your cocain in the bathroom behind the second loose tile 3 inches to the right of the hand blower.

Battle Royale

Not to often do I read a book and go "....damn...this is sweet". But I found myself thinking that about 20 pages into "Battle Royale" by Koushun Takami. Alright so i'm a bit late on this one, the book did after all come out in 1999. But I think it was recently dubbed into English....i think. Anyway, this book is simply the shiznick....thats right I said the shiznick. Here's the jist of it, it's very "Lord of the Flies": Set in "Japan", the government routinely selects random 9th grade classes to participate in "The Program". The Program consists of the students being stranded on a deserted Island with nothing but a backpack with food, a map, a compass and a weapon. The goal is for the kids to kill each other, until only one survives. If more than one survives after 72 hours, then they are all killed. ......I wish the U.S. did this! That would be so fun.....not really. This novel is extremely graphic, but at the same time very witty. Whats not to like?! It's just as graphic as "American Psycho" but it doesn't have the good sex scenes (pre-decapitation that is) that Psycho had. So i'd have to give "American Psycho" (one of my favorite books) the slight edge over "Battle Royale", but barely. Royale is better than "Angel of Death" though (another fav of mine). There IS a Battle Royale movie also, it's in Japanese, but it does contain lots of sexy asian women....well girls actually. Whatever....it's a good friggin' book. I have to get back into reading classic novels though, cuz this stuffs ruining my brain. Maybe next i'll read "Barney Fife and Other Characters I Have Known" by Don Knotts.

CRITICAL UPDATE

First of all, Malcom in the Middle is a really well done show. It's really funny. I'm sorry, but it is. Also there's a Highway to Heavan marathon coming on and i'm rather excited about it. I watched that show every Sunday morning growing up and I remember being scared of it?? I mean other then the episode where Michael turns into a warewolf, there really wasn't a reason to be afraid of it, but I was...and I still am?!?! Michael always creeped me out....his name was Michael on the show right? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Also, i'm starting to worry about this White Noise movie....it's getting really bad reviews. Although bad critics eviews usually equal really good movie. Critics are gay, that critic with the big eye brows and handle bar mustache is friggin creepy.

Here's something I was thinking of recently, it's a conversation that myself and Captain Naps have had numerous times. Adolph Hitler managed to ruin a mustache. Seriously...no one can ever have that mustache again! It's true. He seriously ruined a perfectly good mustache.

I just watched that movie Glory. It's a good Civil War flick. Not sure I buy into Matthew Broderick as a Civil War leader though.

"Men, Fire at will!"
"....who's Will?"

PS: If i'm from a different planet, then how did I watch Highway to Heavan you ask? Michael Landon is an alien...thats how.

Ghosthunting SKINFO

Here's what you need to hunt ghosts...because they are real ...right?? Whatever, I stole some of this from the South Jersey Ghost Research Organization.

CAMERAS -.35mm cameras are mostly recomended with 800 speed black and white film. You can use color film too, but b&w picks up everything better. Basically take pictures where and when you feel like you should. Night time is best because it reduces glare, use a flash stupid. Setup a video camera with night vision too, make sure there's no one in the house, including cats!

THERMAL SCANNERS are hand held devices that you can point at an area/object and get a temperature reading. This device gives you an instant reading and can help you help in tracking down cold spots that are common in a paranormal presence. (This is because ghosts use energy, heat, electricity or whatever to materialize)

HAND HELD VOICE RECORDER this is used to pick up sounds or voices that you might not hear known as Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP). There are two basic types or recorders the regular cassette or digital. Any type of recorder will do but keep in mind the quality of sound it will record or pick up..It maybe more practical to find one that can hold a long length of audio then one where you would have to keep changing the tapes. (Ask questions then see if they get answered)

COMPASS is a good tool for two reasons. One it can help you mark direction in a location in a home/place where ghostly behavior is alleged and, Two it is said that when you come in contact with a ghostly entity that it will spin. If your standing still it will follow a ghost around. Its a good tool and it has been used for allot of years in ghost hunting. (Whatever...fuck the compass)

HYDRO/THERMOMETER is good for a few things.Humidity can be detected in any environment outdoors or indoors.This can help rule out possibilities of moisture that might be captured on camera. Temperature readings are also helpful in determining ghostly presences and/or helping in determining authentic photographs. (This is good because humidity on film does look rather ghostly)

EMF DETECTOR(ELECTROMAGNETIC FEILD DECTECTORS) Helps in finding electric fields that can be caused from ghosts. You have to learn what the readings mean on this piece of equipment because you wouldnt want to pick up something like a power line, transformer,etc outside or when inside an outlet,electrical wires that are in walls or anything of that sort. (How do you know it's not a powerline or transformer??)

GAUSSMETERS, sometimes called Teslameters or Flux Density Meters use a sensor to measure magnetic flux density . Magnetic Field Strength in air can also be measured. This tool helps you in determining the strength of the magnetic field that something of paranormal sort may give off. (Teslameter named for my favorite scientist Nicola Tesla. He invented the death ray and he believed that Hitler was hiding in a vulcano in South America.....and he sang that song...SIGNS SIGNS EVERYWHERE SIGNS BLOCKING UP THE SCENERY...you remember the rest)

GEIGER COUNTER is another device that has been used for along time in ghost hunting. It is said that this device picks up any type of radiation.This device measures Alpha, Beta, Gamma and X-ray radiation. Supposedly ghosts can produce anomalies in radiation that a geiger counter can pick up. But the instrument's original purpose was to search primarily for nuclear radiation. (So basically you either have a ghost OR have radiation cancer)

Here's a real EVP recorded by the South Jersey Ghost Research Organization. It says 'Mommy'.
http://southjerseyghostresearch.org/cases/barrington1-cy-mommy.wav


Here's my favorite links.
theshadowlands.net/ghost - Shadowlands is the best for overall info.
the-atlantic-paranormal-society.com - TAPS is the guys from one of my favorite shows "Ghosthunters" on Sci-Fi Channel.
http://aaevp.com/ - American Association for Electronic Voice Phenomena, check out Examples of voices.
www.ghoststudy.com - Great Pics section

Tsunami Bomb meets the Sex Pistols

This White Noise movie is gonna be the best movie EVER. Thats my opinion. EVER! Better than classics like "Gone with the Wind" and "I Spit on Your Grave". I don't care what you say, Michael Keaton is the man, and "White Noise" looks awesome. I'm a total freak for ghost shit...if I could i'd quit my job and be a ghosthunter. Soon i will tell you everything you need to know about ghost hunting, but right now i'm supposed to be working.. I'm obsessed with the paranormal. I've had weird stuff happen, but I don't totally believe. After all seeing is believing, thats why I don't believe in Quarks and Stem Cells....because i've never seen them??? Whatever, there's probably thousands of ghost in Asia right now...cuz of...um...the tsunami. Ha. Whatever. The first thing I thought when I saw the news of the Tsunami was, "No! All that Sweet Thai Tang...WASTED!!". Thailand has some damn good tang man...that sucks. No one will ever get to taste that tang ever again! I was releived to find out that the Tang Factory in Thailand was safe...wheew. Tang originated in Thailand, if you don't believe me then look here... http://www.alibaba.com/catalog/10118292/Tang_Made_By_Kraft.html (yes thats alibaba.com)
I bet God was getting even with all those annoying surfers. "You want the perfect wave huh? TAKE THAT M.F.-ers!!!" I can't swim so i'd be dead in 2 seconds, my delicious white fur would weigh me down. The second thing the tsunami made me think of was that good album by Japanese noise band The Bordoms entitled "Tsunami Bomb Meets the Sex Pistols", but thier best album is "Soul Discharge". ......um...also 100,000 people died or something.