Enterprise: Episode 4 - STRANGE NEW WORLD

“A storm traps an away team on an alien world, while spores cause them to experience psychosis. “

One big-time acid trip. Everyone is convinced that T’Pol is a spy, but it turns out that everyone was bugging out on some funky pollen. Trip was tripping. That’s my joke. 

ST ENTERPRISE COUNTDOWN: 4 down 94 to go

Enterprise: Episode 3 - FIGHT OR FLIGHT

(Viewed July 17, 2011)

“Hoshi faces her fears on an alien ship whose crew was murdered, while Malcolm tries to upgrade the ship's defense system. “

This episode is full of honest reactions. Hoshi being horrified by a dozen dead and deflated alien bodies hanging upside down is pretty much the reaction that anyone would have. Then the Enterprise takes off and literally leaves dead enough alone. Again, I would have this same reaction when facing another persons misery. You see someone trip and fall, lower your head and keep on walking. It's the American way. Problem is that Archer has OCD and can’t not not go back (that was a triple negative which makes it correct!).  Of course this gets the Enterprise attacked by the same guys that killed the Axanar. Oh and evidently the weapons systems’ on the Enterprise barely works, for some reason nobody thought of testing anything out before the ships launch. Another Axanar ship shows up and Hoshi cracks their language and asks them to help. They basically blow up the Alien ship in like one shot … which makes you wonder what the heck was the problem with the first Axanar ship?

ST ENTERPRISE COUNTDOWN: 3 down 95 to go

Enterprise: Episode 1/2 - BROKEN BOW

(Viewed 7/16/2011)



I need to say this right away, this theme song is hooorrrriiibble. The song itself is alright, some talent there I guess, reminds me of Warrant...Jani Lane bitches. But as a theme for Star Trek??? To be honest it depresses me. I actually get depressed every time I hear it.  It’s all about having faith, following your dreams and never giving up. Well, I've given up on all of that crap years ago! I don’t need to be reminded about it in a freakin theme song! Whatever happen to those great TOS lyrics “ahhh ahhh ahhhh ahhhhhh”

The episode begins with young Jonathan Archer with his father Henry Archer (designer of Warp 5 engine). Young Jonathan expresses his distrust of Vulcans. Fast forward a bunch of years later. A Klingon crash lands in Broken Bow Oklahoma, he’s being chased by two Suliban. He easily defeats them but ends up getting shot by a farmer.  I mean, will we really need actual farmers in 2151, one’s that still dress like Old McDonald and still use a shotgun?  But anyway. The Vulcans butt in, Archer meets a Klingon for the first time and offers to escort him back home. Archer did not seem very intrigued by this first glimpse of a new alien race, in fact none of the other humans really seemed to care much either.  I thought that this signified some kind of first contact with a Klingon, but maybe not. Also right off the bat they establish the fact that Vulcans are huge d-bags, this episode just throws that right out there. T’Pol is offered up to escort Archer escorting the Klingon.

Is it just me but does this all seem very unofficial:
Archer “I’ll escort him home”
Starfleet: “Yeah sure go ahead”
Archer: “I’m going to hire all of my friends”
Starfleet: “whatever”
Archer: “Ok, see ya”

Turns out that the Klingon was carrying a message home from Sarin (basically a Suliban rat) telling the Klingons that Suliban are a bunch of backstabbers.  Long story short; they take the Klingon home, steal a Suliban ship using some crazy grappling arm and use the transporter beam for the first time. Archer asks T’Pol to stay on as Science Officer (and then proceeds to hate her for the next 20 episodes).

This plot was way to complex, I have the attention span of a TOS fan.
One thing that does not make any sense at all, is this co-ed decontamination shower scene.

a) Why does a male and female need to be in there together?
b) Why would they need to rub each other down?
c) Why would they NOT be completely nude?

Also isn’t it ironic that a Commander on the real Enterprise made a video with a shower scene. No…not ironic. Hmmm.

ST ENTERPRISE COUNTDOWN: 2 down 96 to go

Wagon Train To The Stars

Hello

Now that Netflix has released almost all of the Star Trek series, you can now follow my pathetic quest to watch every Star Trek episode in series order (including the movies, and maybe the cartoon).

I'll write a little something up for each episode and I warn you I'm a terrible writer. Very very very terrible. See.

The trick to this is that I need to sneak behind my wife's back because she would just as soon leave me for watching Star Trek than for having an affair. There was a time when I was a pretty awesome Star Trek nerd, but those days have been nagged out of me. So sit back and read the Star Trek ramblings of a miserable, irritable, slightly mental Earthling.

V for Vand-Etta James

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a movie??? Either she's planning on gaining 300 pounds or there's going to be some hilarious computer generated fatness. Nothing against Etta James, I like her voice actually. But she looks like a friggin drag queen.

I remembered my password!

It was 000 Destruct 0. Thats actually the Enterprise Self Destruct code. Maybe i'll actually post again...who knows. WHO???? So, I see Earth has its first Black President, maybe there's hope for me after all...being a Mugato and all. Me being so many light years away from Earth, I actually know your future. So here it is .... they cancel "Supernatural"

Flatwormphroditeosexualaphile

I was looking up info on Flatworms. Fine I'll explain. Someone said that if one flatworm eats another then it absorbes the memories of the consumed worm. That sounded too cool for school, so i looked it up ... it's not really true. But in my efforts I did come across (Capt. Naps face ... OH!) this info. This a direct quote and it's possibly the funniest thing ever....i think Wikipedia has been had again.

" When two flatworms mate, they exchange sperm so both become fertilized. Some flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hancockanus engage in penis fencing, in which two individuals fight, trying to pierce the skin of the other with their penises. The first to succeed inseminates the other, which must then carry and nourish the eggs.[1]"

Grossest thing ever...

I just got a muffin from the bakery at Stop & Shop. And there was a friggin fingernail clipping in it. I know this because I was chewing it. It must have been a thumbnail because it was rather heafty. So gross. Sad thing is, I finished the muffin.

Black Metal

We all know that Black Metal is the funniest music ever. I'm not talking about Living Color (obvious joke). Look at these links to see just how awesome Black Metal is. It's quick and painless, I urge you to just look.

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 1

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 2

Pee Wee's "Play" house

I just watched an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse. It had Jimmy Smits in it as the Conky repair man. Here's the dialog between him and Ms. Yvonne.

Smits: "I'm just looking for my tool"
Yvonne: "Oh, is that a wrench in your pocket?"
Smits: "huh....oh yeah"

Seriously! And it gets better

Smits" "Well Pee Wee the next time something breaks you need to call a certified repairman. They always have the right tool for the job (looks at Ms. Yvonne) and they know how to use it."
Yvonne: "Well, why don't you swing by my house, i'm sure i got something that needs fixing. If not then we can just break it"
They walk out...HOLDING HANDS!!!

Is this a kids show!! What the hell is going on here. They're gonna fuck. I wonder if children understood that.

Ravi Shankar....

I wonder if he ever used the pick-up line "Get out of my dreams, and into my sitar"

Swirlee

This is seriously a movie that had David Caruso in it. It's not a coedy and YES that guy does habe an ice cream head. His name in the film is Mr. Softy. Read up on it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320555/

This is the plot...classic.

Plot Outline: A city dwelling man with a giant ice cream cone for a head tries to commit suicide by melting in a warm bath.

Seriously this is the most creative plot ever. Better than anything ever written. Better than Citizen Kane at least.

In honor of Steve Irwin

Just realized this....

I like to watch Thespian porn. The Merry Wives of Windsor going down on each others Periclits while Two Gentleman of Verona wack off behind a bush....man I'm gonna blow my Midsummer Nights Cream!!! I prefer lipstick Thespians. But I'm not bias, I'll check out any Thespian as long as they have huge Titus Andronicus. I like when Thespians use dildos on each others Coriolanus. Man, I need to Tame my Shrew.

Did you know?

That Fatty Arbuckle had a carbuncle.

Wanna smoke some seaweed?

I was fisting...er fishing and I caught a delicious piece of seaweed. Gooks eat seaweed. I had dried seaweed before, it tastes like shit...and i've eaten shit - it tastes like seaweed. I bet people that live in middle america don't even know about seaweed...unless there's lakeweed or pondweed. Is there?? Whatever. Here's what seaweed looks like.

Greatest image ever...

I was recently informed by a co-worker that while on his way to work he saw a black man rollerskating and eating a watermelon. Now i can't stop picturing this in my mind, it makes me smile every fucking time. This is the greatest image ever to grace my brain.....yeah thats right I said grace my brain. Lets break this down.

First you got the black man part, it's mildly entertaining i guess. I actually pictured a skinny homeless black guy wearing Flashdance-esqe clothing on (leotard and leg warmers). With huge 1970's headphones.

Secondly you got the rollerskating part...not rollerblading but actually ROLLERSKATING. I can just see him doing that crazy rolling backwards move or the bend down, stick out one leg and roll on one skate thing.

Lastly you got the eating watermelon thing. I really have nothing to say about that. But you picture that all together and it's just to good to be true.

Finally I just want to add that the greatest display of homeless shame that i've witnessed came one day when me and Captain Naps where on our way through Boston Common going to Fenway Park (um...on an alternate Earth somewhere in Space). We saw a black, drunk and very high homeless guy begging for change while wearing a full Cat in the Hat costume ... and this was a damn good costume too, not that cheap vinyl crap, this bad boy had like real fur. Very funny stuff.

Amok Time

People laugh at the acting in Star Trek TOS, even I have been guilty of this. It's not that it sucks, it's that it's so over acted and the sets are just so bad. And also Shatner thinks he's doing Hamlet half the time. But i'll tell ya, I was watching the episode "Amok Time" (aka Horny Spock) and man, the acting is amazing. Not good, AMAZING! The lady that plays T'Pau was excellent, a quick look up on IMDB for Celia Lovsky and you find she was basically a guest actress, in a ton of shows. But she gets an A++, she was born in 1897....what an old bitch. Also Nimoy was fantastic as well. I have a new appreciation for the show. I've watched a few more epsiodes since and I noticed how good the acting actually was....especially from the guest spots, great casting by the creators. Also the dude that stole Spocks wife in Amok Time is so hideous.

I suggest you watch "Who Mourns For Adonis?" and count how many times Scotty gets blasted by lightning while trying to save some broad, what a man won't do for sweet tang.

I'm back again !!

I have returned from my severe depression....lets rock !!! YEAH !!! Whatever. Anyway, I heard Richard Hatch is going to jail ... do you know how many jokes lie in this situation? Tons and I ain't touching any of them. But i'll say this...

The worst part about 9-11 was the fact that those terrorists ruined a perfectly good Public Enemy song. The saddest part was that it was one of Flava Flav's only solo songs. I mean seriously, the song "911 is a Joke" could never be played again. I fucking hate terrorism.

Friday Knight

I had a good idea last night. I was gonna do a parody of that song "Oh What A Night" ... i got this far.

"Oh Michael Knight, late September back in '83."

Then I realized it was Friday night and I was writing a stupid song parody about Knight Rider.

Then I got real depressed.

So thats that.

Kean Doontz

I recently got a Dean Koontz book and I noticed onr thing, he's a pretty vain bastard. You know how at the beginning of books there's 1-2 pages of good review quotes, like "It was terrific" Max Wright, Gay Crackhead Times. Now seriously this Dean Koontz book has 5 PAGES - Both sides, full of positive reveiw crap. Thats not the half of it.... Lets recap:

1. 5 pages of reveiws
2. One reveiw is "Terrific" ... thats it.
3. The Book is named "Dean Koontz': FRANKENSTEIN" ... he re-wrote Frankenstein??
4. It's actually a duel-author book with Kevin Anderson (of Star Wars novel fame, and is a really good author), yet in all 5 pages of positive praise it does't mention Kevin Anderson once.
5. He so obviously rips off Steven King.
6. I noticed while reading F. Paul Wilson books that Dean always writes a good comment in the beginning of the book. Then I noticed that around this time Koontz books oddly changed into a similar style as Wilson.

Koontz is such a phoney and a prick, yet I still read all of his books.

Hot Dog Girl

See this girl?

She's cute right?

I'd bang her.

Just for the hell of it.



Your about to see the hottest pics of her. Be prepared.


















I'd jerk off to all of these.




Especially This One.

Oh my.

Sonya Thomas is a Goddess

Video Store of Terror

So the U.S. finally killed that Arab guy. I'd look up his name but i'm to lazy. Anyway, I read in the paper that Al was a former video store clerk. (They all seem to be named Al right?) Anyway, how does one make the jump from a video store, to the head of a terrorist organization.

Int: Video Store Pakistan

Al: So as I was saying, we need to do more beheadings.

Bin-Ladin: Yes, I always wanted an infadel to give me head....get it!!

Al: HAHA, your too much. First we need to get our mits on some guns.

Bin-Ladin: Seriously man, no one says mits anymore.

Al: Whatever. We will make all inferior scum suffer to the ...

Customer: Excuse me. I'm looking for a romantic movie, any suggestions?

Al: My personal favorite is The Horse Whisperer, Robert Redford was pure magic.

Customer: Thanks

Al: So anyway, we cut at the base of the infadels neck thus severing the spine and ...

Customer: Hey, I need your opinion. Which Patrick Swayze movie is better, "Dirty Dancing" or "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar".

Al: Hmmm. tough choice there. Personally I would go with Swayze's first appearance, "Skatetown, U.S.A."

Customer: Thanks

Al: We need to kill as many American scum as possible, destroy the devils economy and ..

Customer: Hi, I'm ready to pay.

Al: Oh, the original Disney's Cinderella. Something for the kids eh? These new cgi cartoons have nothing against the visually stunning originals. AH! And one of my all time favs, "City Of Angels". Nic Cage had me crying like it was nobody's business. Would you like to purchase some Mike and Ikes for only $2.00 a box?

Bin-Ladin: So .... you wanna go halfs on a pizza or something?

....thats all i got.

Full House of Pain

I was looking at Full House episode discriptions and this one made me laugh my ass off.
" Joey starts seeing things when he gets bonked on the head with a coconut."
Thats classic! How hard was it write this show ... honestly.

Here's some of the other episodes. Now imagine the writers pitching these ideas in-front of excecutives. These are actual episodes.

Writer: Ok ready, "Jesse lets DJ and Stephanie stay up late with his band. They even have pizza delivered at night! Then Danny comes home. "

Exec: Hmm wow, that's fucking exciting. Pizza? At night? Wow, that's unheard of! Next.

Writer: How about, "Granny returns to find the house a mess and her granddaughter is a turtle. See what happens when Claire refuses to clean up after the boys."

Exec: A turtle? Are you high?

Writer: Check this, "Father/Daughter day turns out so great for the Tanner's until it has to end. And Joey in leather? ."

Exec: ".........."

Writer: "Find out why Jesse is about to mash Joey's potato. Why the cable goes out just when your about to watch something and how jealousy is the Green Eyed Monster".

Exec: "Your a sick fuck, man....seriously"

Writer: I got more, "Stephanie accidentally cuts part of Jesse's hair off and when he's on his motorcycle, his hair distracts him and he wrecks."

Exec: "HAHAHAHAHAHA ...... fuck you."

Writer: "Joey goes on star search"

Exec: "Is Joey gay or a child molester? He's a creepy 35 year old man that lives in a basement, he almost never has a broad over. He spends all of his time hanging out with little girls. Also, Danny seems really gay, he's obsessed with cleaning and shit. Furthermore, Uncle Jesse is obsessed with his hair and looks ... that's kinda gay."

Writer: "The show isn't gay!"

Exec: "The only thing good about the show is Kimmy. That skinny bitch in spandex always gives me a huge rod"

I believe the music to this is "Hammer Smashed Face" by one of my favorite bands, Canibal Corpse.

Gorn Hogan

Captain Naps and Gorn rastlin' , it gets pretty lonely on Neural Mountain. We tried to start our own Fight Club, but we are all panzies.....plus all the rocks here are aparently made of styrofoam.

Smells Teen Espirit ... what??

Every race has it's own smell. It's true, it's no stereotype. Here's a quick run-down:

Hispanics: small like tortilla's, really they do. I could never figure out what the smell was until one day when I was actually heating up a tortilla and I said "H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T"

Asians: honestly, they smell like fish. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still find Asian women hot as hell. And hell is pretty hot, this I know from that old Squirel Nut Zippers video. "In the afterlife..."

Blacks: might as well just say it ... B.O. Well, sometimes coco-butter. I don't know if deoderant just doesn't work on you guys.

Arabs: totally smell like curry. Not Mark Curry, but the spice ... curry. I've eaten curried chicken and then you sweat that shit out and man....you smell like a dirty towel head.

Jews: i'm gonna go out on a limb and say... money. I really don't know, it's to general. In fact is Jewish a race or a religion? How can you say that Sharone, Seinfeld and Davis Jr. are all the same race???

Native Americans: i guess they small like a drunk guy, and probably unwashed ass.

Old People: small like piss and dirty hair....oh black people also smell like dirty hair. And yes Old people are a race, an inhuman race of ungrateful bastards.

Europeans: i think they also smell like b.o. I really don't know. Italians smell like olive oil.

OK, i lost interest in this.

PS: NEVER watch Lost in Translation, what a piece of shit movie!!

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is such a good actor. He's slowly taking over the top spot on my favorite actor list, sorry Michael Keaton. I recently watched the movie Shopgirl, it was fantabulousticly fantabulous. Martin, wrote, directed and co-stared in it AND he also wrote the book....which i just purchased (Barnes is so overpriced). He wrote some great films, The Jerk, Three Amigos, Roxanne, LA Story, Bowfinger and ..... um the Pink Panther. Seriously this movie cant be good. I really have nothing funny to say. He always had white hair though. That was kinda wierd....yeah. Anyway, remember that skit from Saturday Night Live when he was an Egyptian Farrow.
"Born in Babylonia but was raised in Arizona, KING TUT!" ......was that funny????

UPDATE: I just noticed that I wrote Farrow instead of Pharaoh....thats funny.

CATS

Cats are friggin' gross. That whole hairball thing is real fucked up. How come animals can get away with shit that humans can't. Can a human puke on your rug and then go sit down and lick his own balls? Maybe. But, it wouldn't be right. Male cats spray that shit everywhere to attract females, what is that stuff?? What If Cats where as big as the ones in Cats the Musical.

Munkustrap: Are you blind when you're born?
Demeter: If I was blind, then how would I lick my own balls and taint.
Plato: Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?
Demeter: Plato your fucked up man, weez be cats, we don't bark. Are you related to Dana Plato? I'd bang her......postmortem!!
Bombalurina: When you're walking alone?
Demeter: Was that even a sentence? I need to puke on the floor, then spray my jizz on the corners of couches.
Munkustrap: Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do. Jellicles do and Jellicles would. Jellicles would and Jellicles can. Jellicles can and Jellicles do.
Demeter: What are you fuckin crazy? Jellicles? What the fuck iz that? Munkustrap, your a pussy.
Munkustrap: Touche

Offensive....i can't think of a pun.

What is up with people being offended by the stupidest things. Such as Black people being offended when people say that they like chicken and watermelon....seriously think about this. You take offense to food. Fucking food!! I don't care if someone says that I like turkey bacon. I hate turkey bacon but I could care less if you say that I like it. Man....turkey bacon sucks. It's like eating a shoe....Elizabeth Shoe!! or her lesser known brother Andrew Shoe...whatever floats your boat. So what was I saying???

Oh and also Jews are offended when people say that they run Hollywood, they are also offended when you say that they have money. You morons do realize that running Hollywood is A GOOD THING!!! You fucking idiot. Is it really anti-semetic to say that you are successful????

Asians are offended when we say that they are good at Math??? Hispanics are offended when we say they eat tacos???? Arabs are offended when we call them terrorists??? OK so I guess thats a good one to be offended by....except for the fact that they actually ARE all terrorists.

I am offended by nothing....in fact white people are offended by nothing. Say anything you want...call me a honkey and i'll laugh at the hilarity of the word...honkey. It makes me think of Konkey from Pee Wee's Playhouse....and man, does it get any funnier than that?

Barbecue’s meat

My name is Barbecue and I’m outraged at this slanderous article. It is full of lies!

Barbecue’s meat linked with prostate cancer

A compound formed when a certain someone’s meat is used in sexual relations, this person’s initials are BBQ-- as in Barbecue – his meat encourages the growth of prostate cancer, researchers reported on Sunday.

Their study, presented at a meeting of the Association for Cancer and Stuff, may help explain the link between Barbecue’s meat and a higher risk of prostate cancer.

It also fits in with other studies suggesting that Barbecue’s meat juices may cause cancer as well.

“It appears to both initiate and promote the growth of prostate cancer”, Dr. Mind Bender said. “I would suggest that any MAN that’s been with Barbecue be checked out immediately”

Researchers spoke with Barbecue’s superior officer Falcon who when asked if Barbecue’s meat has caused any problems in the ranks, aswered simply ”…what?”

"We stumbled across a new potential interaction between ingesting Barbecue’s meat and cancer," Dr. De Estro said in a statement. “If you are an animal such as a sheep, and you’ve had relations with Barbecue, I’d suggest getting your prostate checked immediately”

"I would suggest that all humans stay away from Barbecue’s meat. That goes for you Scarlet and you too Gung Ho. That’s right, it’s no secret Mr. Gung Ho. Why else would you wear an opened vest that exposes your bare chest?"

PS: Barbeque has AIDS.

- C.O. Bracommander

What’s up with that!!!!

The Oscar Shindlers....

How can Phillip Seymour Hoffman win best actor? Is Capote in the theatre? Has ANYONE seen it? Has it made $100? How can Crash win best movie? Did ANYONE see it when it was in the theate? How did Clooney win best supporting? Did ANYONE see Syriana? Is Munich even out yet? All the good movies/money-making movies got snubbed and these shitty movies won. What about, Star Wars Episode III, Harry Potter, King Kong, Batman, War of the Worlds, Charlie and Choco Factory ... hmm maybe they need a sci-fi catagory. They also NEVER nominate horror movies. Whatever, i dont even care!

B-back Mtn.

I've shyed from the Brokeback Mountain jokes...it's just to easy. But hell, i'm outta shit to write-so here goes. First off, i cant believe Ang Lee directed this. I guess it just shows what a good director he is. He turned The Incredible Hulk into a pussy, now he turns Heath Ledgers rod into Jake Gyllenhaal's ass. The only thing gayer than Brokeback Mountain is the cast for the supposed Donnie Darko follow-up movie...check it out. Brokeback Mountain is gayer than a David Sedaris essay (great writer by the way). For a director that seemed obsessed with computer animation, i was very disappointed to find out that there wasn't a CGI anal scene...cuz nothing says "I Love You" like violent anal. I haven't masturbated this much to an Anne Hathaway movie since Ella Enchanted. I thought of a good commercial....we all know the classic Brokeback line " I wish I knew how to quit you".... the commercial starts with a shadow of a mans head - he has something fallical in his mouth - he says " I wish I knew how to quit you" - the lights go on and he's smoking a cigarette!!! Stupid. I think when Ang makes Hulk 2 it's going to be very homoerotic, maybe Hulk and Wendigo fall in love....

HULK: Hulk SMASH!!!
WENDIGO: YEEEH! ....Boy Hulk that was great....and rather disgusting.
HULK: I figure we got a one-shot deal going on here.
WENDIGO: It's nobody's business but ours.
HULK: You know I ain't queer.
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: .........Neither am I.
HULK: Good
WENDIGO: You are too much for me Hulk, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.
HULK: [crying] Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I'm like this! I ain't got nothing... I ain't nowhere... Get the fuck off me!
WENDIGO: Um...first off jackass, i ain't on you...that's a blanket. Secondly it's because of Gamma Rays your like this. And lastly....do..do you even know how many sanitation wipes i've gone through trying to clean up your mess.....Jesus it's like a fucking Elmers Glue factory exploded!!

later

Captain Marvel: You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there.
WENDIGO: Wa-wa-what...do you mean...cough.
Captain Marvel: Nothing ... what do YOU mean.
WENDIGO: I ain't queer.
HULK: Neither am I.



Wolverine Teabags Wendigo.

Interesting Ted Cassidy factoids....

Did you know? That Ted Cassidy who played Lurch on the Adams Family was also the voice of Gorn in Star Trek TOS episode Arena and also the voice of Balok in the Corbomite Maneuver.

Fuck U 2!

I really hate Bono. He's such an annoying prick. He gives to charity but the way he flaunts it makes me sick. His opinions about the homeless, war and race ... are so irritating because he so "in your face". The only reason why he pretends to give a shit, is to get some publicity for his next overrated hit. Bono is so phony and he can't really sing, and i'm pretty sure I heard him say "Fuck Martin Luther King". Those obnoxious aviator-esque sunglasses really look queer, if Bono died in a tragic gay-sex accident - i wouldn't shed a tear. I'm rather sure that he bangs The Edge, he shaved the hedge of The Edge, while The Edge plowed his wedge. I really hate Bono and I hate U-2 too, Bono should fry in an oven like a .... you know. Anyway, Growing Pains was a good show starring Kirk Cameron ... i only mention that because I had to rhyme something with Potato Famine. In conclusion, Bono is an arrogant fake .... anyone remember that band Cake. They where pretty decent right?

Book Storezzzzzzzzzzzz

I hate Book Stores. Their I said it! I go there looking for a book yet they never have it so I ask the guy at the desk if they have it and they will either A) go over to the shelf and look at the same exact spot I was looking at, wow thanks because I don't know the fucking alphabet and I couldnt find the author or B) they will order the book for me. They really seem to want to order the book for me but really I wish they wouldn't. Now instead of just getting the book on amazon.com I have to wait 3 weeks for Borders to email me and tell me the book i wanted just came in and now I have to go drive all the way to the store and pick it up. I guess I could just tell them not to bother in ordering the book but I feel bad for them. they seem really needy.

Also I hate Employee Selections. Wow some college nerd likes some queer book. Jeez that book really turned your crappy life around. What where you doing before?? Also every story has someone who always selects a comicbook(or a graphic novel). what a nerd.

And Lastly I hate when I am looking for a book on a shelf and there is someone in front of it. And Instead of moving out the way they move in closer to the shelf. Hey asshole I wasn't trying to get by! I was looking for a book. So either I have to A) slide up real close to the guy and try to look infront of it even though he is really close to the shelf and i really love having to get on my knees to find something on the bottom shelf because thats not gay...right?? or B) what I usually do, I pretend that i was going to walk around the guy and go look at something else and wait for him to leave so i can go get my book.

In conclusion I always thought Natasha Lyonne was kinda cute. She was the girl in American Pie but I prefer her in Slums of Beverly hills. I guess she became a coke head and was homeless for awhile and ended up in a Coma. I figure now I really have a chance with her. I bet I am starting to look pretty good...hmmmm??? I still wouldn't have anything to say to her though. So a coma huh??? hows that going for you?

Dasani

Did you ever drink spring water and it tasted like shit? Let me tell you, Dasani water tastes like shit. Like as if I was drinking from a toilet....a used toilet. My tap water is vile and undrinkable but I honestly think it's better tasting than Dasani. How is this? How can "spring" water taste bad? Well, Dasani ain't technically spring water....it's that reverse osmosis mumbojumbo....well I saw Osmosis Jones and it was cartoonishly grotesque....just like Dasani! Dasani, Italian nonethless....it should at least taste like veal parm.

Miner Threat

We all now about the miner tragedy. The front page of the Boston Herald today said "Miner Miracle!" haha great pun guys......too bad they all died. Greatest American media fuck up since "Dewey Wins". Man, people are still miners?? This is 2006! And we still have guys going into mines. Amazing. The spouses of these guys should all be sent to jail ..... FOR HAVING SEX WITH A MINER!! Get it??? Thank you. Hold the applause, please.

I'm outta shit to write...

In math, when you put a number to the second power its called squared. Wouldn't squared be to the fourth power? Because a square has FOUR sides. Also wouldn't squared and cubed be the same thing? Because a cube is a square. Maybe i'm just an idiot.

HAPPY PEARL HARBOR DAY !!!!

5 Things about Pearl Harbor

1. It was the really the Jews fault, why?

Japanese commander Mitsuo Fuchida, who led 184 bombers and fighters over Oahu, sent the message "Tora! Tora! Tora!". (See, the Tora!!!!)

2. Along with a conspiracy from the Blacks, why?

The cruiser USS Detroit (survived) was docked alongside the USS Raleigh ( which sank) and the USS Utah (which capsized during the attack). (See, DETROIT?!?!?!)

3. The dead from the attack numbered 2,390 Americans, including 1,177 on the battleship Arizona. Raising Arizona starred Nicolas Cage who was in The Rock with Ed Harris who was in Apollo 13 with KEVIN BACON! So you....i just linked Kevin Bacon to the Pearl Harbor Attacks!!!

4. On Aug. 4, 1963, Japanese Commander Fuchida visited the Detroit area and told members of the Woodlawn Church of God in Royal Oak, "Today, I do only the things that glorify the Lord."

Even God is involved!!! And whats with Detroit!!!

5. Avoiding hits from Japanese planes, the USS Detroit headed into the Pacific in search of the enemy. ---In other words they pussied out and took off.....DETROIT!!!!

King Mongkut

I Touch Myself (thinking of Yul Brynner)

I love Mongkut
I want Yul to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want Yul above me
I search Siam
I want Yul to find me
I forget myself
I want Yul to remind me

Chorus:
I don't want anybody else
When I think about Yul
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE MUGATO'S BLOG

First of all, RIP to Pat Morita, he croaked. He was in the Karate Kid and he was also in the movie...get it? Anyway, my favorite scene in the Karate Kid is when Daniel wax-off....GET IT?!?!?1 I'm so funny. Anyway, Novemeber 18th marked the one year anniversary of Mugato's Blog. What a great run it's been, good times ... good times. Here's the origin of Mugato's Blog...in case you cared.

One day while bored in work I decieded to do a search for Rachel Ray pics. For some reason it brought me to www.fuwalda.com (now www.dononline.com) ... probebly because he did a raving review of the shows on Food Network which had me rolling in laughter. I must give credit where credit is due, I woulda never had made a blog if I never stumbled across Donalds site ... it touched me, in ways i've never been touched before. Except maybe be Father Paul at St. Joseph's Church in Sommerville Massachusetts. I laughed, I cried, I laughed again...then I masturbated...then I realized I was in work...then I realized I accidently stumled across the NAMBLA website...then I sadly masturbated again. 525,600 minutes!!! What was I talking about?? Oh yeah, Pat Morita...my favorite Italian actor. Anyway, I read that whole blog that day and I still do, it's funny stuff. I said to myself, Damn I need to get in on this action. All that fame of a blog was within my grasp. And I grabed it, like Gary Glitter grabs a prepubescant Asian girls ass. So I made the blog. Why Mugato??? I love that character. Thats why. There where 2 times that I laughed my ass off at Classic Star Trek, one was when Abe Lioncoln flew up to the Enterprise and the other was the appearance of that monkey suit known as The Mugato. So, that's it. I'll credit Don for inspiring me to make a blog, especially since he accused me of stealing his song parody idea.... and I don't want to get sued. Especially by a .... Minnesotian.

McCoy's Song

This song parody is long overdue. You know Annie's Song by John Denver.....aka "You fill up my senses, Like a night in the forest". Ok, well - this is called Lenny's song (Leonard "Bones" McCoy played by DeForrest Kelly). Got it straight? Good.

McCoy's Song

You fill up my senses
Like a night in DeForrest
Like a mountain on Vulcan
Like a walk on the Bridge
Like a storm on Zatar
Like a sleepy blue Andorian
You filled up my anus
Come fill me again

-The End-

The Replace Game returns!!

Here's the return of the REPLACE game. To refresh, all you do is this: Pick n TV show, find an episode guide, copy it into Notepad/Wordpad/Word (whatever), do "Replace" and change all the main characters names to something else.....then read. Such as this:

I took the Wonder Years season 1 episodes and changed the characters as such:

Kevin = Steven Hawking
Paul = OJ
Wayne = Chris Burke AKA Corky
Winnie = Josh Koenig AKA Boner from Growing Pains

# "Pilot"
Steven Hawking and OJ attend Robert F Kennedy Junior High for the first time. Boner's brother is killed in Vietnam. Steven Hawking and Boner kiss for the first time. (I think i'd pay to see this.)

# "Summer Song"
Steven Hawking enters unchartered waters when he meets an older girl during his summer vacation. (Uncharted ... like a blackhole???)

# "Math Class"
Steven Hawking has trouble in math class when he comes up against a teacher who Steven Hawking thinks is completely unreasonable. (He's such a know-it-all)

# "Corky on Wheels"
Steven Hawking wants to get to the mall to see a girl he can't stop thinking about, but the only way he can is by begging his brother Corky to drive. (He probebly drives better than me)

# "Mom Wars"
Steven Hawking thinks his mother is being over-protective when she tries to stop him from playing tackle football after school. (Emmy worthy)

# "On the Spot"
Steven Hawking, OJ and Boner become involved in a production of "Our Town." Trouble begins when Boner gets stage fright. Steven Hawking thinks he's set because all he has to do is operate the spotlight. (Who wouldn't watch this??)

# "Odd Man Out"
When Steven Hawking and OJ get on each other's nerves, they try to become best friends with two other boys. (Don't OJ too mad)

# "The Pimple"
Steven Hawking is looking forward to the visit of an old family friend,until he discovers his first pimple. (I think a pinple is the LEAST of his worries)

This sux

My remake of Gone with the Wind (actually just the beginning lines)....starring:
Keanu Reaves as Brent
Jackie Chan as Stuart
Mr.T as Scarlett


Brent Tarleton: Woah!Like, what do we care if we we're expelled from San Dimas, Scarlett? The war is gonna be most excellent.....duh.
Stuart Tarleton: Oh, risn't it rexciting, Scrarlett? Rou krnow those frool Ranks may actuarry *want* a wrar?
Brent Tarleton: Woah!
Scarlett: Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war; Jibba Jabba Jibba Jabba this war talk's spoiling all the fun FOOL.. I get so bored I could scream sucka. Besides... there isn't going to be any war suckafool.
Brent Tarleton: Woah?
Stuart Tarleton: Wrhy, hroney, of crourse there's gronna be a wrar.
Scarlett: If either of you boys says "war" just once again, I'll break every bone in your feeble little body, got that sucka? I pitty the fool that says war.
Brent Tarleton: Whoah!
Stuart Tarleton: I'm a gook.

That was stupid and offensive...i apologize. I'm an alien I don't know any better.

Thundercats Inquirer

This is one of the funniest friggin things I've ever read...

Sssssssulu

This has come to my attention...
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/28/people.georgetakei.ap/

Ha...that is the funniest picture.
Sulu is gay?? No really? Gee I never suspected that. Come on now, is this a shock? Be warned though...DO NOT get a mental picture of Sulu and Kirk.

Also just think what he does with that Vulcan hand greeting....gross.

Mugato's News Flash

This age of histeria is really getting annoying. There hasn't been a good Hysteria since Def Lepards in the 80's. I mean Hurricanes, Floods, Earthquakes, The Bird Flu ... it's all the wrath of God right? Thats what everyone thinks right? Here's a news flash: You know what causes hurricanes? Wind. Fucked up wacky, cooky wind. You know what causes Floods? Water, lots of water, it overflows, sometimes rain will make this so. You Know what causes earthquakes? The mother fuckin' techtonic plates biatch, or if a fat person falls down. You know what causes the Bird Flu? Well...i really don't know, but I assume it has to do with an Asian fornicating with a bird.

Kraven Man Thing

Here's the original series by Mugato and Capt. Naps . What If? Kraven teamed up with Man Thing.

Episode 1:

Man Thing - This is pretty cool huh? Me and you buddy, together.
Kraven (holding his nose) - Oh...Oh God...you smell disgusting.
Man Thing - Sorry dude. I tried to throw on some CK One.
Kraven - Don't you know that you can't hide a smell with another smell.
Man Thing - Isn't that what deoderant does?
Kraven - True ... I hate those roll-ons, they make me all soggy.
Man Thing - You think you know soggy? I'm a friggin human swamp..
Kraven - Speaking of which, aren't you basically Swamp Thing?
Man Thing - um.....so Hey did you see "The Biggest Loser" last night?
Kraven - Yeah his name was Spider-Man ... haahahahahahaha ... SHAZAM!!!
Man Thing - Shazam? Where the hell did that come from?
Kraven - From Joe.
Man Thing - Joe who?
Kraven - Joe Mama!!
Man Thing - Ha ha .. got me again.
Kraven - OK so anyway back to business, since i'm the tough bad guy...i get to headline.
Meaning MY name always goes first.
Man Thing - Thats fine.
Kraven - There's a victims now!
Man Thing - It's Puck from Alpha Flight. Let's roll.
Kraven - Hey you midget, be prepared to be destroyed by the most fearsome duo of all time.
Coware in fear! For we are Kraven-Man Thing.
Puck - You're craving man thing? Thats gross.
Kraven - Oh God...that sounds really gay.
Man Thing - See, my name should go first.
Kraven - I mean, we are Man Thing-Kraven!
Puck - Eeew ... you're man thing craving?
Kraven - Damn it Man Thing, why does your name have to be so falical!
Man Thing - I never really noticed.
Kraven - Um...hmm...listen Puck...we're gonna go and fixed this little name thing.
We'll catch up with you another time and destroy you. Ok?
Puck - Thats cool, see ya guys later.
Man Thing - Peace out.

The Wizard ComicCon ... BOSTON

CAPTAIN NAPS: So whatever, that comic book convention was pretty cool. and you thought it was going to suck! I told you that hot chicks were going to be there!!! and um comics...right???

MUGATO: I must say that it was decent. There was hot "chicks" there...I still refuse to believe that they where girls, they may have been gay men dressed as women. Because Girls cant possibly like comics.

CAPTAIN NAPS: We should go to a silk screening place and have them put Giant Sized Man Thing on a shirt. it would be amusing...right??? and then I would wear it too...um..no where.

MUGATO: That was the may favorite part. I finally saw a Giant-Sized Man Thing comic. You all know how Marvel used to come out with that annual?? Giant Sized comic such as Giant-Sized Iron Man or whatever ... acually was it DC comics?? Who cares, all I know is I finally saw a Giant-Sized Man Thing.

CAPTAIN NAPS: Also I actually own the book "How to self publish your own comics" because I am gay. I never actually read it though. now get to work on mugato's blog about his visit to comic con.

MUGATO: I am getting to work on the blog ... right as we speak. Ha ha ha. um ........ HAHAHA. YEAH!!!

CAPTAIN NAPS: I would actually go to those things all the time but the one at the radisson is always kinda lame and the one in framingham doesn’t even have that many comic.

MUGATO: Well well, we did see Lou Ferigno right?? AND MARGOT KIDDA!! and thats about it. And you did get Sean Wangs autograph... AND we met the creator of the Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles. So all in all it was worth the 20 bucks. And I only spent 15.00 on a useless Star Wars independent film called Star Wars: Contract of Evil. Anything else to add Naps?

Girls do things

Recently in the news (by recently I mean 4 months ago) it was big news that some stupid broad was in some stupid Nascar thing. She came in 3rd place or something. Is this really impressive? Its not like she actually pulled her car with her vagina or something. She DROVE a car. I fucking drive a damn car every day of my life. Where is my parade??? I spent 4 years in a tiger cage in Nam while getting beaten by a bunch of Cong Bastards. When i got back you filthy hippies spit on me and call me baby killer!!!
oh wait what was I talking about??
Ya girl race car drivers
Anyway Nascar is pretty much unwatchable. Is it even a sport?? its just driving around a track, it doesnt require any real ability. Girls have been allowed to drive cars since the 60s so whats the big deal that some female was in nascar? If some girl pitched a perfect game in Major League Baseball I would actually be impressed, but driving a car? who cares.

Why do Hippies (people from Cambridge MA) hate soliders because they kill babies but are all pro-choice?? sometimes its okay to kill babies but other times its not???? I am very consistent on my pro kill babies platform.
Vote for me, Captain Naps!!!!

Well I went to a comic con with Mugatto last weekend I am still waiting for him to post his stupid blog report on this important subject.

Micheal Keaton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey dudes and dudettes (???? girls are reading this right???) I am going to discuss the entire oeuvre of the finest living american actor who has ever lived MICHEAL KEATON!!!!!
so enough with the talkin' lets get rockin'!!!

WORKING STIFFS : this was a sitcom staring micheal keaton and Jim from the world according to jim. It came out in the same year i was born 1979. coincidence????? It lasted 3 episodes, it wasn't that bad actually. It had some good slapstick which you usually dont get to see on sitcoms (3s company being the main exception). Working stiffs would be a good name for a porno or a zombie film or a zombie porno

Night Shift : Keatons break out performance! he gives an tony award winning turn as a pimp or a "love broker". This film shows that being a hooker isn't all that bad. This was also ron howards big break as a director. I can't believe this film was actually a hit. I liked it though. The Fonz really isnt a very good actor.

Mr. MOM This film was pretty good but i havent seen it in a million years so it could actuall sucks. Keaton plays a guy who becomes a home maker and is married to terri garr. Terri Garr used to be a pretty decent looking broad. Remeber when he said "nice Knockers" but he was refering to the door knocker? hahaha oh wait that was young frankenstein. I dont remeber anything funny from this film.

Johnny Dangerously this film is pretty much a rip off of AIRPLANE! though it takes place (vaguely) in the roaring 30s. Micheal keaton plays the titular hero johnny who is some kind of mob boss or something. This movie has some pretty decent jokes in it actually.

Gung Ho this film is about the popular GI JOE character Gung Ho who works at a car factory that gets taken over by the Japs. It proves the people from Japan aren't all bad even if that Battan Death March was pretty rude. FUN FACT: this movie was turned into a sitcom, that was pretty bad. Yet I still remember it in excrusiating detail. I give this film 9 thumbs up.

DREAM TEAM , in this film micheal keaton plays a mental patient. Um, its pretty funny. What Night shift was to hookers this film is too demented people. Who would have thought that being insane could be so funny./??? well not me. My rating 24 stars.

BATMAN, The best film ever made by humans a trillion stars out of 3

Batman 2 umm not really that great, but still better than batman 3 or 4. though not as good as batman begins.

Multiplicty <> Everyones dream come true! What if we could clone MIcheal Keaton!!!!! anyway keaton gives a pretty good comedic perfomance in this film. an underated Keaton Klassic.


Jackie Brown: I guess he was in this film, did anyone even see it??? I actually liked the film though I dont remember keaton being in it.

Jack Frost.......um pass

White Noise. Me and Mugatto skipped work to see this film. It was pretty okay. not that great but it taught me to laugh at love.....again.

Herbie Fully loaded. Whatever, Lindsay Lohan used to be hot before she lost all her weight, now she doesnt have any boobs. Micheal Keaton steals every scene in this film

anyway thats my review of keatons films. I guess there are other films but i never seen them. Keaton is a great actor and always seems coked up.




www.ImageShack.us"

Also everyone should watch Arrested Development on Fox mondays at 8. nothing to do with micheal Keaton just thought i share.

It's crying time

Everyone has had a movie that made them cry or at least get choked up. I know someone that admitted to the following ... King Kong, A Walk to Remember and an episode of Dark Angel. HAHAHA what a freak. I'll admit to the following ... Titanic, I am Sam, Step Mom, and the Nicholas Sparks book "The Guardian" ... how gay is that? So come on everyone fess up!

-Mugato

Women are mentally ill

I think i've come to the conclusion that women are mentally ill. One minute they are normal the next they are insane. This may be true for all women, but i don't know for sure, but it sure seems like MOST women are like this. It's no secret really. Women have been crazy for centuries....Joan of Arc was crazy - she claimed that she saw angels ...hahahahahahaha ANGELS! How stupid ... right? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the show Newhart. Remember when that "Hi i'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl" thing was funny? Why? What the hell where we laughing at!?!?!?!

Steve's gay (as in happy) movie review

This weekend my friend ...um Steve....watched 2 movies. One being "The Notebook" and the other being "Because of Winn Dixie". So ...Steve... was really disappointed by The Notebook, while i'm sure that it was a decent flick it evidently went totally against the book ... which Steve read .... and enjoyed. Nicholas Sparks is a good author right? It coulda been worse, it's not like Steve reads Danielle Steele or trashy raunchy sex novels written by my actual 7th Grade English teacher Patricia Grasso (look her up on Amazon!). The movie is a disgrace to all that enjoyed the book .... um like Steve did.

Ahh. Winn Dixie, this movie was surprisingly very good and entertaining. Who doesn't love dogs? My dad, thats who. Anyway, this dog is just so cool, irt can smile ... for real. This flick is rather dark and depressing for a kids film, which is pretty chill. The characters are a girl who's mother abandoned her, a blind drunk black lady, an ex-con child-molester??? played by that great actor Dave Mathews??? and a bunch of other people or something. Anyway, I liked this movie ... i mean Steve liked it. And seriously Steve is totally straight, no shit he really is.

PS: My favorite U.S. body of water is Lake New Orleans ... was that a joke???

Iraq and Roll Hoochie-Coo

Iraq.....i still don't care. I really don't. I guess it's sad, but I don't give a shit. Sure i've tried to care, but I just CAN'T DO IT!!! Everyone complaines about it and i'm sick of hearing it .... "Oh all those soldiers are dying over there" ... Well what the fuck do you think the military is for?? Marching in a friggin parade??? It's probably the only occupation in which you are pretty much gonna die. So shut up. Anyway, I say lets just Just drop nukes on the middle east ... the whole friggin thing, Iraq, Iran, Afgan, Jordan....hell even Israel. Who cares ... I sure as hell don't. WHY? Because I hate everybody! If your humanI hate you, i don't descriminate. I could care less what religion, color, nationality or whatever ... I hate EVERYONE equally. While i'm at it. Everyone is complaining about oil prices and war for oil ... you wanna complain hippy?? Then let us drill in friggin Alaska. Then we wont have to worry anymore. Sure I love wildlife more than the next guy ... in fact I like animals better than people. But I look at it this way....when we have no oil left, then those same animals that we protected in Alaska, we're gonna be killing for fur so that we can stay warm. So might as well just kill em now and get it over with! Makes sense right? ........right? ...............hello? Will all this trouble over the protection of animals and people make a difference when the sun goes supernova?!?! The answer is NO!! Anyone see DiGrassi The Next Generation last week? It rocked! It was funny when Emily got an STD from Wesley Crusher.

Der Friedensstifter

I've talked alot of shit about Vin Diesel, in fact I still think he sucks. But boy was I wrong about The Pacifier. It really wasnt all that bad. Granted Diesel still acts horribly in it, but it works. The plot basically is this: Diesel is a Navy Seal with a one-track military mind and no emotions (which makes his lack of acting ability work so well), his new mission is to babysit a family of kids....why? you ask, watch the damn movie I dont have time to explain it. Thats the plot anyway, it sounds dumb but for some reason it was decent. I laughed more than once and the movie had good action scenes. Whatever, I still hate Vin Diesel. Heres some more of my favorite "kids" movies...

Cat in the Hat - (my favorite movie about a creepy pedophile man-cat)
Willy Wonka - (favorite movie about a creepy pedophile candy maker)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit - (favorite movie about cartoon beastiality)
Wizard of Oz - (favorite movie about a homosexual lion, a very gay tin-man, and a scarecrow who's sexuality is of suspect)
Kindergarten Cop - (favorite movie about a child abusing police officer)
Stuart Little - (favorite movie about ........a mouse)
Little Vampire - (favorite movie about closeted homosexuals ..... also known as vampires)

Gone Fis(h/t)ing

Why do people own fish? Whats the f-in' point?!? You can't play with it and it has no idea that your even there! They don't do shit. It's a sad fact but it's true, a fish as a pet is useless. You might as well have an ant as a pet, or even a homeless guy, they're just as useless. Fish are so useless that vegetarians eat them!! They don't even count to a psycho vegatarian. On the other hand why do I enjoy fishing? Especially when it's catch and release, I suppose there is no point in that, except maybe to go "Yeah Fish, I caught you and I could so easily kill you right now, but i'm in a good mood....lucky you, you get to live ... just remember that" ....... oh yeah thats why I like fishing. Which brings me to my second topic...fisting. Does anyone really enjoy getting fisted?!?!?

Biggest Newz Ever

The biggest news report of the last week was the London bombing...just kidding. The biggest news was the death of Scotty.
I met Scotty once at a sci fi convention. I was there on my shore leave as a star ship captain. It was 20 bucks to get his autograph. I didn't spend the money because what would I do with his autograph? Also I would have to talk to him and what the hell would I say???? "Soooooo star trek huh? Hows that going for you???"
He looked pretty old and no one was in line for his autograph but he sat there smiling at people. Oh well he was probably a really nice guy, and now I'll never get his autograph or talk to him. I wanted to tell him that the Enterprise shouldn't be hauling garbage but that it should hauled away AS garbage!!!

he would probably punch me.

It turns out he really wasn't Scottish or even from the future!!!

Captain Naps Video Game Pick of the Year: NightShade part1: the claws of sutekh (for NES) there was no part 2. its a pretty fun game.

Shitcargo

Is Chicago a good city? I really have no idea. I have no desire to ever go there though. People always tell me that "it's a good place, you hould visit it" and then I say "Oh have you been there?" and they always say "Well...no". Seriously this happened to me like 3 times. This is all I know about Chicago...

1. They have Pizzaria Uno's Chicago Grill. Assuming they really have that in Chicago and it's not just a gimmicky name. I actually hate this place, I went there once with two friends of mine and they put us in this lovers booth that was set apart from the rest of the seating area....then again it may have been the Negro Table. I'm not sure.

2. They have Mr. T (MR. T threw out the first pitch at the White Sox/Red Sox game the other night. I guess thats pretty cool. T is such a crackhead...but not. I wish I could just naturally act like a coked-up drug addict.)

3. They have Billy Corigan (He sang Take Me Out To The Ball Game at last years All Star Game i think, he's so ugly....I always thought actually looked like a Smashing Pumpking, like his head is a pumpking in the process of smashing...literally...it's true).

4. They had the Great Chicago fire....not the greatest thing to be known for.

Anyway, I know shit about Chicago.

Interested?

I am hypnotizing you.....you will click on my link this time. You will click it, unlike last time when nobody cut and pasted my link. You will do as I say. And....AWAKE!

READ THIS
There it's linked.  Click it and tell me that
it's not the funniest
title of a news article ever?

Also if anyone has seen this movie, let me know if
it's any good.  I know Depp is good and all, but I think
I buy Gene Wilder being a child-molester more than I do Depp.

Witch's Brew

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Shark Weak etc.

I have three quick thing to say here.

1. Shark week on the Discovery Channel is weak and pointless. Every year is the same shit. I mean seriously....has anything mind-blowing been discovered in the last 20 years on the Shark front? The answer my friends is no.

2. Purell Hand Sanitzer looks like cum. Sorry, but it needs to be said. OK maybe it lacks the pearl colored hue, but it's still disturbing.

3. Slang ruins so many words huh? Just think that at some point words like Gay, Queer and Fag meant something totally different. Try and say the words Rod, Bone and Booty without thinking of something sexual. What i'm leading to you ask? Ha ha........hahaha...................hahahahahaahaa.............. ah..............anyway. I'm trying to say that the word Facial has been officially ruined. I will prove my point with one sentence. "For my Moms birthday i'm gonna give her a facial." Nuff said.

Eminem to make final bow as solo artist-report

Does anyone care? I don't. I friggin despize Eminem, he's everything I hate all rolled into one. From his bleached hair to his....bleched hair. He's not tough, he's just a whinny dickhead. Anyway, since when is a skinny white kid considered tough anyway? Did you ever get a headache so bad that it made you puke? That happened to me yesterday, it sucked.

More Fun at the Mall

I called in sick today at work (at my job as a Star Ship Captain...right????) so that I could go to the Mall and return my Computer Game. I go their at 10:30 and the store was closed. Every other store in the Mall was open except for EB Games. So I had to hang out till 12 when it opened. I did end up returning my Used copy of Freedom Force for a new copy but the female clerk had a real sourpuss on her face. Thats right, a sourpuss. It was the same girl who sold me the used copy.
I bought video game insurance for 3 dollars./?????WHY??? because the girl had big boobs, thats why.
The Mall has the worst food court. Umi of Japans? Bandito's Chicken (or something like that) Umi's of Japan has all asians working there (I don't know if they are were Japs though) and Bandito's has all hispanic people working there. The Pasta Place had Italians and the Boston Chowdah company had all Bostonians working there!! Its Racism!!! What if I wanted to work at Umi's of Japan???? I probably couldn't because I am not some stupid Asian person.
Plus Boston Chowdah is an ethnic slur that I find very offensive.

I ended my Day at the Library. I hate the Library its all annoying Kids and its not like they are reading, they are all on the internet. Why did libraries get computers? so kids can look up stuff about meth and homeless people can look up porn. thats why.

I got kicked off, yet another messageboard today. This time it was a comic book message board. The topic was gays in comics and I said it was all a scam to get little kids who read comics to become gay because gay men like underage boys.
How is that offensive??? Its true. Straight men like underage girls so why would Gay Men like Underage boys??? whatever. that makes the 1,426th messageboard that i have been kicked off of.

In conclusion the Mall sucks especially at 10:30 am , no hot teen chicks. The Library always sucks because its filled with poor people who can't afford internet access. And I am a total nerd because not only do I read comics I must discuss them on-line.
anyway here is a funny link to wacky old school comic book covers (its pretty funny I guess)

http://www.superdickery.com/seduction/36.html

I can't tell....

A follow up to the Captain Naps post here.... There's two thing that I can't tell anymore. (that was the oddest sentence ever) 1. How old a girl is. AND 2. If a guy is gay.

A) Girls all look 20+ to me, when in reality they are 13+. This is disturbing and if you ask me ... a national crisis. I'm sorry but, the statutory rape laws should be eradicated from the books. Not so dudes can score with teens, but because I bet on many occasions a dude scores with a teen thinking she's much older and then he gets bagged for rape?!?! Who's in fault there? The girl. See kids it's the womens fault when she gets raped.....um in this case at least....i think. Anyway, you get my drift.

B) This whole femanized straight guy thing is really getting out-of-control. I think they call it "metrosexual", now i'm far-far-far from a Macho Guy and Captain Naps is even further than me, but when you spend more than 15 minutes getting dressed and combing your hair...then your tredding on gay. If you put any amount of make-up on your face, go tanning or use more than one hair product... then your tredding on gay. When you psychotically wipe down your car every night or clean your sneakers daily ... then you may be a redneck ... i mean your tredding on gay. And the saddest thing is that THESE are the dudes that get the hottest chicks INCLUDING the teens at the mall! See how I tied it all in. I'm so cool. Why do chicks like femanine men, think back to the 80's, remember Poison?!?! Think of the women they got. Well i'm off to the great State of New Hampshire, after I watch that great reality show about a hair salon called "Blowout" .... really it's a good show.

-Mugato

My adventures at the Mall

This is Captain Naps , y'all wiggity wiggity wack.
Ahem
Anyways as I was saying I was at the mall sunday with Mugato. I bought "city of heroes 2" at EB games. The lady made me buy it used, I wanted the new copy but she insisted that i take the slightly cheaper used one (the new copy was 29 dollars the used copy was 23 dollars). So i get home and it doesn't fucking work. That fucking cunt tricked me. I probably can't return it now either. She hypnotised me with her boobs.
Anyway the girls at the mall where all hot.
So here is the actual topic for today

Greatest books ever written by humans in the 20th century earth.

1. American Psycho-by Brett Easton Ellis
Its like a million times better than the movie! more killing and more sex!! shoving a sewer rat into someones privates! cutting womens heads off and then having sex with it!! um...social commentary????
also a pretty good review of Huey lewis and the News complete discography.

2. Gods Grace- by some guy
This book is a lost classic! In fact I lost it. I think I let mugato borrow it so I'll probably never see it again, plus he probably read it on the toliet so I don't want it back anyway. This book is about the end of the world and only one guy is left alive. He finds some monkey who learns to talk and they become friends. Plus he meets some other monkeys that learn to talk
(spoiler!!!!!)
This book has super hot man/monkey sex!!!! This is the only book that really delievers on the promise of monkey sex. Alot of books say they have monkey sex but this book REALLY has it and its hot, unlike say Alex Haley's Roots (hahha now thats racist!!!! )

Well thats all the books I have ever read anyway so its a pretty short list.

Capt. Naps Video game pick of the week: River City Ransom (nes):
Once again I am not going to actually discuss why I picked this game, I am too fucking lazy. its a good game, believe me or don't. Now its time for me to BLAST OFF!!! INTO SPACE!!!

Smell-a-portation

teleportation is impossible because if the heisenberg uncertainity principal. I didn't even bother clicking on Mugato's link because it wasn't even click-able!! Muggy you lazy bastard!
See folks, Mugato got kicked off the internet at work (at his space bar) because he downloaded child porn......Julia Child Porn!!!!!

Well Have fun folks this is Captain Naps signing off. Keep Watching the Stars!!!!!!!

Naps Game Pick of The Day: Maniac Mansion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I would discuss why I picked this game but screw it I am lazy)

I went to the Mall with Mugato today, I feel so gay.

Teleportation

It's finally almost, kinda, sorta happening! Teleporting! Now I can go from here to there....quickly! Unlike before, when I could go from here to there only marginally quickly. This is so odd because I just started to read that book "Timeline" by Michael Cri??ton. Actually I'm listening to the book on tape, which is very depressing I must say. I'm so lazy that I can't even read anymore, it's very sad.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20050708/sc_space/teleportationexpresslanespacetravel

Because of lack of Posts I have decided to split posting duties with my good friend Captain Naps. Therefore I'm now going to apologize for anything horrible that he might say.

Gyros-Cope

You know that stupid food thing called a Gyros? I never would order one because I have no clue how to say it. So I looked it up...it's Yee-Ros. So I call the sub-shop, I say yeah gimme the Yee-Ros. They have no clue what i'm talking about, so i say Jai-Ros. And they understood. So In conclusion, just say Jai-Ros. I felt like a dick. It sucked. I was embaressed. But my Gyros was good. Friggin Greeks