V for Vand-Etta James

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a movie??? Either she's planning on gaining 300 pounds or there's going to be some hilarious computer generated fatness. Nothing against Etta James, I like her voice actually. But she looks like a friggin drag queen.

I remembered my password!

It was 000 Destruct 0. Thats actually the Enterprise Self Destruct code. Maybe i'll actually post again...who knows. WHO???? So, I see Earth has its first Black President, maybe there's hope for me after all...being a Mugato and all. Me being so many light years away from Earth, I actually know your future. So here it is .... they cancel "Supernatural"

Flatwormphroditeosexualaphile

I was looking up info on Flatworms. Fine I'll explain. Someone said that if one flatworm eats another then it absorbes the memories of the consumed worm. That sounded too cool for school, so i looked it up ... it's not really true. But in my efforts I did come across (Capt. Naps face ... OH!) this info. This a direct quote and it's possibly the funniest thing ever....i think Wikipedia has been had again.

" When two flatworms mate, they exchange sperm so both become fertilized. Some flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hancockanus engage in penis fencing, in which two individuals fight, trying to pierce the skin of the other with their penises. The first to succeed inseminates the other, which must then carry and nourish the eggs.[1]"

Grossest thing ever...

I just got a muffin from the bakery at Stop & Shop. And there was a friggin fingernail clipping in it. I know this because I was chewing it. It must have been a thumbnail because it was rather heafty. So gross. Sad thing is, I finished the muffin.

Black Metal

We all know that Black Metal is the funniest music ever. I'm not talking about Living Color (obvious joke). Look at these links to see just how awesome Black Metal is. It's quick and painless, I urge you to just look.

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 1

Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 2

Pee Wee's "Play" house

I just watched an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse. It had Jimmy Smits in it as the Conky repair man. Here's the dialog between him and Ms. Yvonne.

Smits: "I'm just looking for my tool"
Yvonne: "Oh, is that a wrench in your pocket?"
Smits: "huh....oh yeah"

Seriously! And it gets better

Smits" "Well Pee Wee the next time something breaks you need to call a certified repairman. They always have the right tool for the job (looks at Ms. Yvonne) and they know how to use it."
Yvonne: "Well, why don't you swing by my house, i'm sure i got something that needs fixing. If not then we can just break it"
They walk out...HOLDING HANDS!!!

Is this a kids show!! What the hell is going on here. They're gonna fuck. I wonder if children understood that.

Ravi Shankar....

I wonder if he ever used the pick-up line "Get out of my dreams, and into my sitar"

Swirlee

This is seriously a movie that had David Caruso in it. It's not a coedy and YES that guy does habe an ice cream head. His name in the film is Mr. Softy. Read up on it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320555/

This is the plot...classic.

Plot Outline: A city dwelling man with a giant ice cream cone for a head tries to commit suicide by melting in a warm bath.

Seriously this is the most creative plot ever. Better than anything ever written. Better than Citizen Kane at least.

In honor of Steve Irwin

Just realized this....

I like to watch Thespian porn. The Merry Wives of Windsor going down on each others Periclits while Two Gentleman of Verona wack off behind a bush....man I'm gonna blow my Midsummer Nights Cream!!! I prefer lipstick Thespians. But I'm not bias, I'll check out any Thespian as long as they have huge Titus Andronicus. I like when Thespians use dildos on each others Coriolanus. Man, I need to Tame my Shrew.

Did you know?

That Fatty Arbuckle had a carbuncle.

Wanna smoke some seaweed?

I was fisting...er fishing and I caught a delicious piece of seaweed. Gooks eat seaweed. I had dried seaweed before, it tastes like shit...and i've eaten shit - it tastes like seaweed. I bet people that live in middle america don't even know about seaweed...unless there's lakeweed or pondweed. Is there?? Whatever. Here's what seaweed looks like.

Greatest image ever...

I was recently informed by a co-worker that while on his way to work he saw a black man rollerskating and eating a watermelon. Now i can't stop picturing this in my mind, it makes me smile every fucking time. This is the greatest image ever to grace my brain.....yeah thats right I said grace my brain. Lets break this down.

First you got the black man part, it's mildly entertaining i guess. I actually pictured a skinny homeless black guy wearing Flashdance-esqe clothing on (leotard and leg warmers). With huge 1970's headphones.

Secondly you got the rollerskating part...not rollerblading but actually ROLLERSKATING. I can just see him doing that crazy rolling backwards move or the bend down, stick out one leg and roll on one skate thing.

Lastly you got the eating watermelon thing. I really have nothing to say about that. But you picture that all together and it's just to good to be true.

Finally I just want to add that the greatest display of homeless shame that i've witnessed came one day when me and Captain Naps where on our way through Boston Common going to Fenway Park (um...on an alternate Earth somewhere in Space). We saw a black, drunk and very high homeless guy begging for change while wearing a full Cat in the Hat costume ... and this was a damn good costume too, not that cheap vinyl crap, this bad boy had like real fur. Very funny stuff.

Amok Time

People laugh at the acting in Star Trek TOS, even I have been guilty of this. It's not that it sucks, it's that it's so over acted and the sets are just so bad. And also Shatner thinks he's doing Hamlet half the time. But i'll tell ya, I was watching the episode "Amok Time" (aka Horny Spock) and man, the acting is amazing. Not good, AMAZING! The lady that plays T'Pau was excellent, a quick look up on IMDB for Celia Lovsky and you find she was basically a guest actress, in a ton of shows. But she gets an A++, she was born in 1897....what an old bitch. Also Nimoy was fantastic as well. I have a new appreciation for the show. I've watched a few more epsiodes since and I noticed how good the acting actually was....especially from the guest spots, great casting by the creators. Also the dude that stole Spocks wife in Amok Time is so hideous.

I suggest you watch "Who Mourns For Adonis?" and count how many times Scotty gets blasted by lightning while trying to save some broad, what a man won't do for sweet tang.

I'm back again !!

I have returned from my severe depression....lets rock !!! YEAH !!! Whatever. Anyway, I heard Richard Hatch is going to jail ... do you know how many jokes lie in this situation? Tons and I ain't touching any of them. But i'll say this...

The worst part about 9-11 was the fact that those terrorists ruined a perfectly good Public Enemy song. The saddest part was that it was one of Flava Flav's only solo songs. I mean seriously, the song "911 is a Joke" could never be played again. I fucking hate terrorism.

Friday Knight

I had a good idea last night. I was gonna do a parody of that song "Oh What A Night" ... i got this far.

"Oh Michael Knight, late September back in '83."

Then I realized it was Friday night and I was writing a stupid song parody about Knight Rider.

Then I got real depressed.

So thats that.

Kean Doontz

I recently got a Dean Koontz book and I noticed onr thing, he's a pretty vain bastard. You know how at the beginning of books there's 1-2 pages of good review quotes, like "It was terrific" Max Wright, Gay Crackhead Times. Now seriously this Dean Koontz book has 5 PAGES - Both sides, full of positive reveiw crap. Thats not the half of it.... Lets recap:

1. 5 pages of reveiws
2. One reveiw is "Terrific" ... thats it.
3. The Book is named "Dean Koontz': FRANKENSTEIN" ... he re-wrote Frankenstein??
4. It's actually a duel-author book with Kevin Anderson (of Star Wars novel fame, and is a really good author), yet in all 5 pages of positive praise it does't mention Kevin Anderson once.
5. He so obviously rips off Steven King.
6. I noticed while reading F. Paul Wilson books that Dean always writes a good comment in the beginning of the book. Then I noticed that around this time Koontz books oddly changed into a similar style as Wilson.

Koontz is such a phoney and a prick, yet I still read all of his books.

Hot Dog Girl

See this girl?

She's cute right?

I'd bang her.

Just for the hell of it.



Your about to see the hottest pics of her. Be prepared.


















I'd jerk off to all of these.




Especially This One.

Oh my.

Sonya Thomas is a Goddess

Video Store of Terror

So the U.S. finally killed that Arab guy. I'd look up his name but i'm to lazy. Anyway, I read in the paper that Al was a former video store clerk. (They all seem to be named Al right?) Anyway, how does one make the jump from a video store, to the head of a terrorist organization.

Int: Video Store Pakistan

Al: So as I was saying, we need to do more beheadings.

Bin-Ladin: Yes, I always wanted an infadel to give me head....get it!!

Al: HAHA, your too much. First we need to get our mits on some guns.

Bin-Ladin: Seriously man, no one says mits anymore.

Al: Whatever. We will make all inferior scum suffer to the ...

Customer: Excuse me. I'm looking for a romantic movie, any suggestions?

Al: My personal favorite is The Horse Whisperer, Robert Redford was pure magic.

Customer: Thanks

Al: So anyway, we cut at the base of the infadels neck thus severing the spine and ...

Customer: Hey, I need your opinion. Which Patrick Swayze movie is better, "Dirty Dancing" or "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar".

Al: Hmmm. tough choice there. Personally I would go with Swayze's first appearance, "Skatetown, U.S.A."

Customer: Thanks

Al: We need to kill as many American scum as possible, destroy the devils economy and ..

Customer: Hi, I'm ready to pay.

Al: Oh, the original Disney's Cinderella. Something for the kids eh? These new cgi cartoons have nothing against the visually stunning originals. AH! And one of my all time favs, "City Of Angels". Nic Cage had me crying like it was nobody's business. Would you like to purchase some Mike and Ikes for only $2.00 a box?

Bin-Ladin: So .... you wanna go halfs on a pizza or something?

....thats all i got.

Full House of Pain

I was looking at Full House episode discriptions and this one made me laugh my ass off.
" Joey starts seeing things when he gets bonked on the head with a coconut."
Thats classic! How hard was it write this show ... honestly.

Here's some of the other episodes. Now imagine the writers pitching these ideas in-front of excecutives. These are actual episodes.

Writer: Ok ready, "Jesse lets DJ and Stephanie stay up late with his band. They even have pizza delivered at night! Then Danny comes home. "

Exec: Hmm wow, that's fucking exciting. Pizza? At night? Wow, that's unheard of! Next.

Writer: How about, "Granny returns to find the house a mess and her granddaughter is a turtle. See what happens when Claire refuses to clean up after the boys."

Exec: A turtle? Are you high?

Writer: Check this, "Father/Daughter day turns out so great for the Tanner's until it has to end. And Joey in leather? ."

Exec: ".........."

Writer: "Find out why Jesse is about to mash Joey's potato. Why the cable goes out just when your about to watch something and how jealousy is the Green Eyed Monster".

Exec: "Your a sick fuck, man....seriously"

Writer: I got more, "Stephanie accidentally cuts part of Jesse's hair off and when he's on his motorcycle, his hair distracts him and he wrecks."

Exec: "HAHAHAHAHAHA ...... fuck you."

Writer: "Joey goes on star search"

Exec: "Is Joey gay or a child molester? He's a creepy 35 year old man that lives in a basement, he almost never has a broad over. He spends all of his time hanging out with little girls. Also, Danny seems really gay, he's obsessed with cleaning and shit. Furthermore, Uncle Jesse is obsessed with his hair and looks ... that's kinda gay."

Writer: "The show isn't gay!"

Exec: "The only thing good about the show is Kimmy. That skinny bitch in spandex always gives me a huge rod"

I believe the music to this is "Hammer Smashed Face" by one of my favorite bands, Canibal Corpse.