Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Star Trek: The Motion Picture was made in 1979 but for some reason it looks worse than the show from 1969. Everything about it is rushed and lazy. The script itself is just the Pilot episode to the original Phase II series. The final production was rushed and has always been considered "unfinished" by those that had worked on it. It's missing all of the great Kirk sarcasm, he's just so serious in this film. McCoy and Spock are great in this movie though. In fact, it's Spock that really carries it.

Damn everybody looks so friggin old. They all aged so terribly, especially Doohan and Nimoy. The special effects just suck, plain and simple. The sound effects also suck. The bridge is dingy looking and the uniforms look lame. At least the new theme song is awesome. The movie moves at a snails pace and it seemingly goes nowhere at times. Probably because they tried to stretch out a 50 minute episode into a 2+ hour movie.

So what do I like about the movie? Well, the plot is interesting. V'gr is a deadly cloud type thing that threatens to destroy Earth. Kirk gets the band back together and takes the Enterprise to stop this thing. The greatest scene is when Spock goes space walking and does a mind-meld with V'gr. Come to find out this thing is actually Voyager 6. Good twist. The ending is sort of predictable and the addition of Ilia is rather pointless (although she's oddly sexy). It was good to see Kirk as Admiral and the rest of the crew in their new careers.

Star Trek Phase II: Episode 4 - 7

Ep. 4 BLOOD AND FIRE PART 1

What did I just watch? Umm, hmmm. So, the Enterprise is in the process of saving a research ship while simultaneously warding off the Klingon’s. That’s the main plot. The side plot involves tension between Kirk and his nephew Ensign Peter Kirk. Who is gay. OK, no big deal. Except for the fact that this episode is 20% gay softcore porn. Look, normally I wouldn’t really care but this was just too fucking odd. Oh and this episode also guest stars the guy that hosts the game show The Amazing Race???

Ep. 5 BLOOD AND FIRE PART 2

So basically this script had originally been written for TNG, but was eventually scrapped because it was too risqué. This episode features a solid guest performance from Denise Crosby (Tasha Yar) but it’s really just so depressing at how horribly shes aged. Blood and Fire was just too much for me. I’m guessing the title Blood and Fire is a reference to anal.

Ep. 6 ENEMY STARFLEET

This one is alright. The Enterprise ends up in the middle of a war between planets. The ring leader is a 70 year old woman that is supposed to be sexy … I guess. Although, Barbara Luna again has a solid performance.

Ep. 7 THE CHILD

Originally a script for the real Phase II, then it was worked into a TNG episode. So…remember the TNG Episode THE CHILD? This one is pretty much the same thing. To be honest, I zoned out.

VIGNETTES
Center Seat: 6 minutes, 2006. – I enjoyed these little episodes. This one is basically just a conversation between Sulu and DeSalle. It’s a day after Sulu had received emergency Captain training.

No Win Scenario: 9 minutes, 2011 – This thing looked great. Kirk and Spock spy on a Klingon counsel as they plan an attack.

PHASE II WRAP UP

To be honest, I would have been glad to just watch the Takei and Koenig episodes. They are very good. As for the rest of them … fuck em. The acting mostly sucks, but the visuals and scripts are spectacular. It’s just so tough to get over the bad acting. All in all, this series did surpass my expectations … but am I glad that I watched it? Not really.

Star Trek Phase II: Pilot - Episode 3

Normally I would not touch these fan made series. Phase II however is much different. For one it is Paramount approved and also Gene Roddenberry Jr. is a consulting producer. The main draw for me to this series is the many great guest stars, including George Takei and Walter Koenig. This is the first time I have ever watched any of these ... so here goes nothing.

PILOT - COME WHAT MAY
Well, hmmm. Not sure what to make of it. Technically this isn't considered an "official" episode anyway. The plot is basically The Enterprise encounter some alien girl. Nothing special really. I'll be honest too, the acting is fucking terrible. BUT. The visuals are fucking amazing. Great guest stars too, Eddie Paskey that played Lt. Leslie in a billion episodes and the dude that played the transporter guy Kyle.

Ep. 1 - IN HARMS WAY
Wow.  A huuuge improvement from the Pilot. This plot is pretty damn awesome. During the whole Doomsday Machine fiasco with Matthew Decker, the time line had been altered. Kirk now commands the Farragut. This episode involves going back in time to the 2000's and also an excellent scene with the Guardian of Forever. Guest stars are the guy that played Matthew Decker and Barbara Luna from the episode Mirror, Mirror (still looks pretty good). Worth a watch if your bored.

Ep. 2 - TO SERVE ALL MAY DAYS
OK, everybody. This is honestly a must watch. No shit. With every episode the acting is improving vastly, in fact everybody is very good (with the guy that plays Sulu being exceptional) .... sadly the only one that still sucks is James Cawley that plays Kirk. So anyway, something weird happens to Checkov during a battle with the Klingons. He begins to age very rapidly. Enter one hell of a performance from Walter Koenig. The episode also guest stars the hot hippie girl from the Way to Eden (still looks decent).

Ep. 3 - WORLD ENOUGH AND TIME
HOLY SHIT. Remember when I said that episode 2 was a must watch ... well it still is. But, if you are to ever watch only one episode of Phase II, well this is the one!  The kid that plays Sulu is excellent and this actress Christina Moses that plays Alana is phenomenal. The biggest reason to watch this though, is the unbelievable performance of George Takei. Simply amazing. He also has some really impressive fight scenes and is in great shape for a 70 year old man. The story was written by DC Fontana and it's very creative.  Oh and we also get to see how bad Yeoman Rand has aged. Watch this shit NOW.

So I planned on watching one episode and ended up watching 4. So I guess the series must be pretty decent.

Star Trek TAS EPISODES 20-23

Ep. 20 Albatross

Bones gets arrested by an alien race for mass murder. He's accused of spreading a deadly disease on the planet 19 years ago. Like Regan spread AIDS in the 80's. Soon the plague spreads to everyone on the Enterprise ... uhh except Spock as always. They bust McCoy out of jail and he discovers a cure. The alien Demos was voiced by the guy that was Orcko on He-Man ... unfortunetly on this one he makes no attempt to put on a character voice. A weird looking alien with a crappy American accent just ruins the illusion.

Ep. 21 How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth

What is the odds that on the only episode in which Ensign Running Bear appears, they happen to meet a Native American God? Well on Star Trek those odds are pretty fucking high. This episode is rather racist, but the idea is good I guess. The Enterprise encounter the Aztec serpent God Kukulkan. Remember when MaCauley Kukulkan was in that movie Home Alone? The name of the episode is a line from King Lear. If you want to see an awesome performance of Lear, you should find the one with Ian McKellen. He spits all over the place the entire time.

Ep. 22 The Counter-Clock Incident

The final episode of TAS. The Enterprise is en-route to Babel with the great Robert April and his wife. They suddenly encounter a ship going faster than ever seen before, it's headed for a sun so Kirk stops it in the tractor beam. It's piloted by a woman that speaks backwards. Suddenly the ship is pulled into her time-plane. In this time everything goes backwards ... including time itself. Thus the crew begins to grow younger. Soon they are incapable of running the ship. So April (who is an old man to start with) grows younger but stays an adult longer. He takes command of the ship and gets them back to safety. The plot is completely ludicrous but it's OK because having an appearance of April is pretty darn cool.

TAS WRAP UP
What to say about The Animated Series. Well, it was far better than I expected. That's not to say that it didn't suck, because mostly it did. But, it had it's moments. In fact some episodes were very very good. I'd say that a good 1/3 of the eps are watchable. Overall I give the series a C, which I think is pretty fair.

Star Trek TAS EPISODES 17-19

Ep. 17 The Pirates of Orion

Spock is dying from a disease and the freighter carrying his medicine has been hijacked by Orion pirates. The Enterprise overtakes the Orion ship, but rather than lose they would rather destroy themselves and the Enterprise. Not that bad of an episode, but didn't Spock already almost die from a disease? Anyway. This is the first appearance of an Orion male and boy they look dumb.

Ep. 18 Bem

All in all, not bad. Bem is an annoying diplomat that has been on the Enterprise as an observer. He sounds like Yoda and has the weirs ability to remove his body parts .... sort of. They beam on down to a planet full of "aborigines" (Kirk's words not mine). Ben gets a little crazy and everyone ends up captured. Interesting side note: This episode is actually the first mention of Kirk's middle name Tiberius.

Ep. 19 The Practical Joker

What happens when the Romulans attack the Enterprise and the ship computer suddenly turns into a practical joker. This episode. This incredibly irritating episode. Although, some of the ships jokes are pretty classic. Putting "Kirk is a Jerk" on the back of his coat and the ever popular blackend eye circles from using binoculars. The computer eventually tricks the Romulan's by making a giant balloon Enterprise. Sound completely stupid ... well it is.

Star Trek TAS EPISODES 13-16

Ep. 13 The Ambergris Element

What a stupid ass episode this is. Spock and Kirk go down to a water planet in a shuttlecraft/submarine. They get transformed into water breathers … as Bones puts it; their entire internal structure has been transformed into an aquatic creature. Like how the fuck would that ever happen?

How threatening could a depressed
cat in a pastel suit really be?

Ep. 14 The Slaver Weapon

This is actually a very good episode, well written and has a very in-depth plot. The script was written by Larry Niven (the Ringworld guy). The Enterprise is trying to deliver some rare artifacts to a Starbase. The artifacts are boxes that could contain anything from treasures to weapons. There is a Federation nemesis named the Kzinti and they are seeking out these objects in hopes that they may contain a super weapon. The only problem with this episode is that the animation is so shitty and this supposed tough Kzinti race, well they drive a pink spaceship.

Ep. 15 The Eye of the Beholder

And then there’s this one. Kirk gets captured by intelligent giant slugs and gets put into a zoo. Need I really say anymore.

Ep. 16 The Jihad

This episode could have made a great Star Trek movie. Kirk and Spock are sent on a secret mission to secure a religious artifact that is hidden on a violent planet. In the wrong hands this artifact will ignite a Holy War that could destroy the galaxy. The dialogue is good, the animation is typically subpar but not distracting and the plot is intriguing. Also, Kirk’s “love interest” is an alien girl with the worst New York accent. Who knew?

Star Trek TAS EPISODES 10-12

Ep. 10 Mudd’s Passion

The return of the great Harry Mudd. Even as a cartoon, he’s still awesome. This is a very funny episode. Mudd teaches aliens to play baseball, invents actual working love crystals and turns Spock into a love obsessed cornball. Whatever that means.

Ep. 11 The Terratin Incident

And then there was this one. Just terrible. A strange force causes the Enterprise crew to shrink down to 1/26 of an inch. The animation is god awful … it may be worth a watch just to laugh at how bad it is.

Ep. 12 The Time Trap

“While exploring the Delta Triangle, where many starships have disappeared, the USS Enterprise is attacked by several Klingon vessels. During the battle they are caught in an ion storm. The Enterprise and one Klingon battlecruiser are drawn into a spacetime vortex and end up in a timeless dimension.” A pretty good one here. After getting pulled into this vortex the Enterprise and Klingons discover a civilization made up of others that have been stuck here. They are of many races; Andorian, Vulcan, Orion, those plant humans from a few eps back etc. Kirk and the Klingon Kor work together to get themselves free of the vortex.

Star Trek TAS EPISODES 7-9

Ep. 7 The Infinite Vulcan

One of the only episodes that I had watched previously. I remember thinking how dumb it was ... and it still is. Spock ends up being cloned by a cast off from the Eugenics War. The idea seems decent enough, but why does Spock have to be 50 feet tall? Why does the planet have half human/half plants that really add nothing to the plot? This episode was written by Walter Koenig, good for him because Checkov doesn't appear on TAS. His spot is taken by the stupidest looking alien with the most obnoxious voice named Mr. Arix. I hate him.

Ep. 8 The Magicks of Megas-tu

A fucking home run. This would have been an awesome live action episode. How many times has Kirk and crew encountered Gods? Many times, right? Well, how about just once they actually meet Satan? Oh yeah. Lucifer explains how he was once on Earth and that he know resides with a race called the Megans in a place full of magic and witchcraft. Satan is actually pretty good guy, very likable. He takes Kirk and crew to this planet and they soon develop magic powers. The Megans see this as an abomination and they transport Lucifer, Kirk and crew to Salem during the witch trials. Here's were it gets pretty awesome. Lucifer is actually the one on trial and Kirk defends him. Kirk offers to give up his own life to save the devil. The Megans are impressed and let everyone go. Spock ends the episode with a great line, "This is the second time Lucifer was cast out and, thanks to you, the first time he was saved". Weird, maybe a bit stupid, but it went to a place in which Star Trek (and certainly a child's Saturday morning cartoon) had never gone.

Ep. 9 Once Upon A Planet

Skip it. The Enterprise returns to the ever popular Shore Leave planet .... and again nearly get killed. This is seriously the worst place ever. The Keeper has since died and left the planet in control of a computer. The computer comes to resent his job and plans on just killing everyone. The thing kidnaps Uhura for seemingly no reason. They get a half cat-half woman to take her place as communications officer. Which just proves that another animal could easily to Uhura's job.

 Kirk has a nice discussion with the machine and convinces it to be a good bucket of bolts. I did find out that everything you encounter on this planet is robotic. On TOS I wasn't sure if it was holograms or what. So ... wouldn't the main reason to go to this planet be to get laid by whomever you dream of? You can't really screw a robot.

Star trek TAS EPISODES 4-6

Ep. 4 The Lorelei Signal

The male crew is turned into puddy in the hands of a beautiful alien race of women. They all look like She-Ra. The women kidnap the men and force them to wear headbands that drain them of their life force. The women use this to keep young forever. But why not take other women?? I really don't know. The cool part is that Uhura takes command of the Enterprise and puts together a female crew to save the males. I have a feeling that Shatner would never have let this episode happen in live action.

Ep. 5 More Tribbles, More Troubles

While on the way to bring grain to Shermans Planet, the Enterprise encounter a Klingon Cruiser attacking a small ship. They manage to beam over the small ships captain and to everyone's surprise it's Cyrano Jones. He has genetically modified Tribbles that grow huge instead of multiplying. The Klingons want Jones dead and they have a new weapon to aid them. Kirk manages to stop the Klingon weapon and the Klingons reveal that they will be happy to have back a certain animal that preys on Tribbles. Evidently Jones has stolen this predator. Kirk gives them back the animal and I guess Jones goes to jail or something. Not sure. It's interesting that Star Trek is bringing up the topic of genetic modifications way back in 1973.

Ep. 6 The Survivor

A little goofy, but intriguing. The Enterprise encounter a ship piloted by Carter Winston (voiced by Ted Knight). Winston has been missing for 5 years. Taken aboard the Enterprise, Winston reconnects with a former love (a female Ensign).

Here's where is takes a twist. The Romulans show up and we now see that Winston is really a shape shifter under their control. He morphs into many crew members and sabotages the ship. Suddenly the Romulans attack.

Here's were it takes another twist. The alien spy is suddenly torn between his Romulan masters and the female ensign. Even though he is not really Carter Winston he finds that he really does love her. He eventually switches sides and helps Kirk defeat the Romulans. Nonetheless, Kirk arrests him for being a spy.

Star trek TAS EPISODES 1-3

Ok, here's the deal ... I can't stop watching this stuff. I've already trudged on to the Animated Series. These things run about 20 minutes so I'm going to be knocking them off in three episode spurts. Here are the first three episodes and I think you will find my reviews a bit surprising.

 
Ep 1. Beyond the Farthest Star

The Enterprise is pulled into the orbit of a dead sun. They discover an ancient ship that looks like a giant forest type thing. This ship had been navigated by an insectoid race, but they destroyed their own ship because it was taken over by an entity. Now this entity has invaded the Enterprise. "Obey Me" ... you'll get that if you watch the episode.

Actually I was surprised at the animation. It's really not as horrible as everyone says it is. The plot kept me interested enough and it's cool to hear the actual voices of the crew. I'm sure at this point it's just the novelty of it all that keeps me watching but we'll see if and when it wears off.

Ep 2. Yesteryear

Boy I must say that I really really liked this episode. It would have been great in live action. Although that would involve rehashing The Guardian of Forever. On that note, wouldn't the Federation do everything that they could to keep The Guardian hidden or protected ... I mean in the wrong hands this thing could be disastrous.

In this episode Kirk, Spock and Bones are assisting in a Historical study using the Guardian of Forever. Spock and Kirk jump back into time in order to observe and record a certain time and place. Unfortunetly while they had been away something had been altered ... suddenly nobody remembers Spock (except for Kirk). The reason is rather surprising and in my opinion pretty creative. I'm not going to spoil it because this is a must watch.
Here's an interesting fact regarding Yesteryear "According to the DVD text commentary for this episode, Los Angeles-area stations aired this episode first, instead of "Beyond the Farthest Star" (the actual premiere episode elsewhere) because of favoritism allegations lodged by political opponents of George Takei, who was running for public office at the time. Instead of having to offer "equal time" to Takei's challengers, NBC stations in the L.A. area decided to air "Yesteryear" first, since it did not have any scenes with Hikaru Sulu (Takei's character) in it"

Ep 3. One of Our Planets is Missing

Wow, another great episode. So far I am very shocked at the watchablility of TAS. This episode begins with the Enterprise going to the planet Mantilles where Bob Wesley (from the episode the Ultimate Computer) is governor. There is a large living cloud that has been devouring planets and is heading straight for Mantilles. The cloud envelops the Enterprise but before it can destroy it Spock merges minds with the being and explains that it is eating living creatures. Let me tell you, this scene is amazing. I'm guessing this show wasn't a big hit with little kids because they would not understand 99% of the references and scenes such as this one are way to emotional for a child's cartoon. Nonetheless, great stuff.

Star Trek TOS - WRAP UP

After watching all three seasons of Star Trek TOS, I have come to the conclusion that this is still my favorite Trek series. It has timeless characters, solid acting, creative story lines and surprisingly decent visuals. The two biggest knocks on TOS have been the poor production and Shatner's overacting. But, honestly this is very inaccurate. In fact, for the most part I was happy with the quality and come on now ... Shatner is the coolest Starship Captain ever. I also leanrd a few things along the way, such as Lt. Leslie and Nurse Chapel appear in nearly every episode...far more than Sulu, Chekov and Scotty.

Another reason why I love TOS is purely for nostalgia. Although I did watch it as a youngster, it wasn't until 8th grade that I started to watch it obsessively. At this time TOS was broadcast on channel 56 here on Neural Planet. In 9th grade I started my quest to tape every TOS episode on VHS ... pausing on the commercials of course. Sadly for me, the show didn't start until Midnight. I kept up this schedule for nearly the entire school year and boy did my grades suck, but hey I taped every single episode. Little did I know that some years later a thing called a DVD would render my quest obsolete ... and then Netflix would seal it's fate for good.

Even while in class I still could not get enough Trek. The Star Trek Encyclopedia had just been released and I recently had stolen it from my "friend's" house (in my defense, this was after an argument on which was better TOS or TNG ... ok that's not really a good defense). Anyway, I would typically be reading that Encyclopedia during my classes. You know in 80's movies when they show a student reading a porn mag under his text book? Yeah, I actually did that with the ST Encyclopedia!

At this time, I basically lived in Bizzaro World. In the small Neural town that I lived in, the geeks and the punks were one in the same. My friends were a group of alcoholic, druggy, obnoxious, criminal, tough-guy bullies .... that also watched Star Trek, made Star Trek models, collected comic books, programmed computers and played D&D (or Rifts). In this crazy place the geeks were actually the troublemakers. One of the few exceptions to this had been Capt. Naps who has always been a straight up geek and I'm sure very proud of it. Even though I also associated with these other kids, I really did not partake in the bad behaviors but I was certainly around for nearly all of it.

This charming anecdote pretty much sums up the entire situation: After many physical assaults one of my friends finally went to prison (the first of many). I went to visit him with our other friend (now dead). Anyway, when we got there the prison official told us that we could not see him because he had just been locked up in solitary. He was in a fight over control of the rec room TV. The official commented that this was the first time he had ever seen a person fighting in a prison because he wanted to watch Star Trek. This is what happens when you combine a dead end town with one great TV show. Shenanigans ensue. Welcome Neural Planet.

Star Trek TOS: Episode 79 - TURNABOUT INTRUDER

This is thought to be one of the worst Star Trek episodes ever. It is also the last TOS episode. But, to be honest, I didn’t think it was that terrible. Sure it’s dumb, but it had some decent elements to it. I'm also a bit sad to end the TOS series. Even on it's darkest day it was still a damn entertaining show and it doesn't get much better than William Shatner.

The episode starts off with Kirk’s ultimate nightmare, he has switched bodies with a woman. Dr. Lester, bent on destroying Kirk, has switched bodies with him. Now Kirk is the female Dr. Lester, and Dr. Lester is Kirk. “Kirk” is constantly trying to kill “Lester”. Watch as Capt. Kirk beats the crap out of a woman and tries to strangle her, fun stuff. The crew is alarmed at “Kirks” odd behavior and Spock eventually does a mind meld and discovers that Lester is actually Kirk. “Kirk” has Spock sentenced to a court martial and Spock defends himself by telling everyone about the Kirk/Lester body switch. The crew believe him. “Kirk” then has Scotty, McCoy, Spock and “Lester” sentenced to the death penalty. Sulu and Chekov argue against Starfleet using capital punishment. Eventually the whole ship mutiny’s against “Kirk”. They figure out how to switch the bodies back and Coleman and Lester are taken to a Starbase prison.

To say that this episode is one of the worst is not correct. Certainly it’s not great, but you can do far worse than this one. The acting is decent, the plot is a bit stupid but they do a fair job of not making it too dumb. How is this any worse that Abe Lincoln flying through space in a chair?!  Alas poor Robert Urich, how I knew thee fellatio …. Coming soon, my Star Trek TOS wrap up.

ST TOS COUNTDOWN: 80 down 0 to go

Star Trek TOS: Episode 78 - ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

I guess Spock leaves his shirt on.

On a planet threatened by a supernova, the crew find only one inhabitant. He is a librarian named Mr. AtoZ. He built a time machine thing and everyone else on the planet has gone through it to a different time. The time machine is EXACTLY like the Guardian. I mean, to the point where it makes the episode seem incredibly rehashed and lazy. But, there are some decent parts. Kirk hears a scream from the other side of the device and jumps through. He ends up at the time of the witch trials and is accused of witchcraft. Spock and McCoy follow and end up in the Ice Age were Spock falls in love with a sexy cave woman. Things happen and they all end up safe and sound back on the Enterprise. Just watch it if you want to know more. I will say one thing though, that cave woman is pretty damn hot.

ST TOS COUNTDOWN: 79 down 1 to go