Star Trek TNG: Episode 44 - Samaritan Snare

"Picard undergoes a medical procedure at a starbase while Riker leads the Enterprise in answering a distress call from an alien ship that proves to be trouble."

Picard gets heart surgery??? So random. The doctors look like the Aquabats ... a weird ska-punk band that now have a kids show for some reason ... anyway. Riker sends Geordi to a distress call on some ship in which everybody looks like the comic book character Blob ... or more accurately Bobo and Lil Debull from Nothing But Trouble (the best movie). They abduct Geordi by pretending to be in distress ... this is evidently called the Samaritan Snare. It's not even a good trick!!

ST TNG: 43 down 135 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 43 - Q Who?

So Q wants to join the Enterprise crew. I would let him, why the hell not. Picard seems to think they don't need him, but he's about to show them otherwise. Q tosses the Enterprise 7,000 light years away and into their first encounter with tennis player Bjorn Borg. The Borg are pretty awesome, the ship is pretty awesome and their careless demeanor is pretty awesome. They are very Nine Inch Nails. The Borg prove to be brutal adversaries, they seemingly can't be destroyed. Also, they are the ones that had been destroying outposts in the episode The Neutral Zone. There's an odd interaction between Q and Guinan that makes you wonder whether she herself might be a Q. Now to bitch about something. What is the odds of this "race" being called the Borg ... they are obviously Cyborgs, which is an Earth word!

ST TNG: 42 down 136 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 42 - Pen Pals

I dunno. This episode is a bit all over the place. Sometimes it's good, sometimes boring. Data is way too serious in this. He obviously goes way out of line to bring this girl on the ship. He made "pen pals" with this hideous alien kid ... ironically played by Nikki Cox ... who is married to Jay Mohr??? Anyway, he violates the Prime Directive because she is from a pre-warp civilization. So they erase her mind.

ST TNG: 41 down 137 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 41 - The Icarus Factor

What an absolute crock-o-shit. On many levels this episode sucks, many many levels. First we have Riker and his estranged father, his father wants to make amends but really he is sort of a dick. At one point he defends his absence in Rikers life by saying "Come on! I gave you 14 good years!" ... gee thanks. And evidently Rikers dad used to screw Dr. Pulaski. Gross. Then we have Riker leaving the Enterprise for a better job ... yea yea, how many times is this plot going to come up? Next up Worf's age of ascencion ceremony on the holodeck ... this involves him getting beat down by other Klingons. Much like getting jumped into a gang, which is ironic because Klingons are obviously supposed to be black. Also, one of the Klingons is played by John Tesh. Last but not least we have Riker and his dad fighting in the dumbest martial arts sport ever ... Anbo-Jitsu. They dress up like Tron and swing a staff wildly at each other.

ST TNG: 40 down 138 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 40 - Time Squared

I really liked this one. The Enterprise encounter a Starfleet shuttlecraft floating in space. Picard orders it taken into shuttle bay and they open the door and inside is .... Picard! This is not some kind of shapeshifter, it's the real Picard from 6 hours in the future ... a time when the Enterprise has been destroyed and only Picard survives. Now the present Picard is grilling the future Picard on the details of what happened to the Enterprise. They figure that future Picard is stuck in a time loop ... so they kill him. Sure it doesn't make sense, but it was cool.

ST TNG: 39 down 139 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 39 - The Royale

Not a bad plot, not the best episode. Data, Worf and Riker beam down to a planet and end up in a hotel from the 1900's. The also find a small NASA ship drifting in orbit. How is this possible? The explanation is some what cool. There was this Astronaut that got lost in space, he was captured by these aliens and they felt bad for him so they recreated Earth for him. Sadly for him they based it on the only resource they had available ... a poorly written novel about a casino. This place ended up being his hell until he eventually died of old age. On the other hand, Data has one heck of a time gambling. But really, an astronaut goes into space, i'm assuming he is able to bring only a small amount of items ... so he brings a shitty pulp fiction novel?


ST TNG: 38 down 140 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 38 - Contagion

I will review this episode in the stylings of a 4th graders book report. In other words, the same as usual. The Enterprise meet up with the Yamato. The Yamato think they have found the fabled planet Iconia. Sort of Atlantis of space ... they had crazy technology and shit. A probe comes from the planet and infects the Yamato with a computer virus that slowly destroys the ship. A Romulan ship shows up. They too become infected. The Enterprise works together with the Romulans to figure out how to reverse the virus. Data suggests destroying the source on the planet. That's it. It was decent enough I guess. Not enough Data.

ST TNG: 37 down 141 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 37 - The Dauphin

What the hell did I just watch? These costumes are an embarrassment. Even TOS had better shit than this. Seriously, look at that fucking thing. Anyway, this beast is a shape shifter and this is it's true form. It appears to Wesley as a cute girl and they soon fall for each other. She is forced to reveal her true self to Wesley and he is more mad at her for not telling the truth than he is about the fact that she looks like a monster. She tries to smooth things over by telling him that she can transform into anything that he wants. So, my question is, would you date this thing? I'm a bit intrigued by having it be whatever you want ... on the other hand it is still really gross looking. I think I'd go for it. Then I can make it look like The Red Baron and I would dress up like Eddie Rickenbacker ... then we have sex.


ST TNG: 36 down 142 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 36 - The Measure of a Man

This was a pretty good episode. It's just basically a court room drama, but it was entertaining. Starfleet wants to take apart Data in order to study him. Picard argues that he is a sentient being and has rights, Starfleet sees him as their property. Picard must act as Data's lawyer in order to save his life. Also in this episode Data reveals that he screwed Tasha Yar.
I would say that just because Data is not human, does not mean that he should be destroyed. This seems like a very odd request from Starfleet. Plus, Data is arguably the best Officer in all of Starfleet ... so lets kill him?? Another very stupid element to this one is the fact that Riker must be the Prosecutor in the case against Data. Why would this ever be a good idea? If I'm ever on trial I sure as hell would not mind having my friend as the Prosecutor. Seems like a HUGE conflict of interest??

ST TNG: 35 down 143 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 35 - A Matter of Honor

I most likely will not be saying this too much in season two ... but this episode is awesome. Riker ends up serving as a First Officer on the Klingon Battle Cruiser Pagh. This is because he has joined a Federation Officer Exchange Program, yeah it's kind of dumb but whatever. Up until this point in the series Lt. Riker has been a relatively cool cat, but this episode has elevated him to total badass status. It was awesome to see the way the Klingon crew operates and it's always nice to view the dark and dirty interior of a Klingon ship. Cool side note: the Klingon commander is played by Chris Collins also known as the voice of both Cobra Commander AND Starscream.
So Riker jumps right into the role of a Klingon, right down to fighting for no reason and eating vile foods. Also, the female Klingons are constantly trying to bang him ... I must admit that I started to consider whether or not I would have sex with these hideous monstrosities. I think I would. I mean the face looks like a 90 year old Arab woman, but the bodies are pretty tight. Although those teeth would rip your dick to shreds.

Now were was I? Oh yes, so eventually the Klingons smell treachery. Or maybe it was just Dr. Pulaski's old vagina. Nonetheless they attempt to attack the Enterprise, but Riker foils their plans in a very Klingon type of way. By being a total shithead.

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Star Trek TNG: Episode 34 - Unnatural Selection

Wow, my nightmare has come true ... an entire Dr. Pulaski themed episode. I now know who the worst character is Star Trek is. She just sucks.

First the Enterprise finds the USS Lantree and everyone on it has died of old age. They trace the problem to this planet that has been 'creating?' telepathic kids?? Or something. Their minds are so advanced that they send out antibodies to kill diseases before they even get near them. This is what has been attacking people and causing them to age. Pulaski and Data go down to the planet and she gets the disease. She's rapidly aging, to be honest she looks the same. There is no cure either, so for a minute I'm thinking that maybe they kill her off. To my dismay they do not. Picard takes a piece of her hair and uses the DNA to correct her cells while she beams up. This has never before been attempted .... and for some reason they seem to never use it again.

ST TNG: 33 down 145 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 33 - The Schizoid Man

I always thought that Schizoid was sort of a derogatory name for a crazy person. Evidently it's an actual medical term. This episode has it's moments, just not enough of them to say that it was any good. Morgan Sheppard who is typically a decent actor is just way to over the top as Dr. Graves. The premise is that Dr. Graves is dying, so he transfers his mind into Data. Nobody can understand why Data is acting like a giant prick. He disobeys orders and hits on all the chicks. He finally professes his love for his assistant but accidentally breaks her hand because he doesn't realize Data's strength. Then he beats up Picard. ....and seeing how they have 5 minutes left in this episode they better wrap this up quick. Oh, so he leaves Data's body for seemingly no reason. Why is that on Star Trek there are so many Doctors and Scientists that are good 'ol southern boys???

ST TNG: 32 down 146 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 32 - Loud as a Whisper

Let me just say, evolution makes zero sense in the Star Trek realm. In this episode there is a famous peace negotiator. He is deaf and can't talk. So on his planet, he has sort of evolved to be able to talk through other people telepathically. How about fucking evolving to be able to hear again? It just seems way simpilar than telepathy. After his speakers are all called, he is forced to use sign language. The moral of this story is .... I have no fucking clue. The actor is really deaf and he does a good job, but honestly he doesn't have any lines so how hard could it be.

ST TNG: 31 down 147 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 31 - The Outrageous Okona

Remember when I said that TNG is good at blending sci-fi with other genres? Well they are good at that, unfortunately sometimes it's just shit. Such as this episode. Captain Okuna is a space rogue, a total Han Solo rip off right down to his clothing. He needs some repairs to his ship. Come to find out he is a wanted criminal on two waring planets. On one he stole something and on the other he knocked up some chick and bailed. Oh no he didn't! Come to find out that the baby is not even his ... it's the child of the dude that he stole something from on that other planet. Following me so far? You see, the girl from planet A and the boy from planet B are in love ... so at the end of the episode they get married. First off all, it's pretty clear that the girl must have at least slept with Okona. Second of all, this episode played out like a spin-off attempt ... thank God it wasn't. Although Okuna was played  by the guy that was the Rockateer. He's a decent actor.

Plot two was just as dumb. Although it was all about Data, which never fails to be hilarious. This time he's trying to learn how to be a standup comic. He compiles a bunch of washed up jokes and tries them out on Guinan. She cringes at how bad they are. Seriously though Whoopie, your a decent actress but you are the hackiest comic ever. Anyway, Data asks the holodeck to recreate the funniest comic of all-time. And it's Joe Fucking Piscopo. I just lost all respect for the holodeck.

ST TNG: 30 down 148 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 30 - Elementary, Dear Data

Would this episode be considered Steampunk? I think it might. This is one of those TNG episodes that take you away from the "in your face" sci-fi that we are used to and venture into other genres. What TNG does so well is to mix in the sci-fi just enough so that you still feel like your watching Star Trek and not Knots Landing (of which as a kid I always thought was about Nazis??).

The message in this one is "be careful what you say to the holodeck" ... i guess. Data (as Holmes) and Geordi (as Watson) go into the holodeck to create a Sherlock Holmes mystery. The problem is that Data can solve these in like two seconds. So, Geordi asks the holodeck to create an adversary capable of defeating Data. Problem. What he should have asked for was an adversary capable of defeating Holmes. Now the holodeck has used all it's power to create a nearly realistic villain that is equal to Data himself, Professor Moriarty. Also, it's the Butler from the show The Nanny. He kidnaps that annoying Dr. Pulaski and really who would care, she sucks. Picard ends up talking to Moriarty and the Professor understands that he's just a hologram but he feels so real and wishes to be a person. Picard offers to save his character so that they can hang out whenever they want. Something like that.

ST TNG: 29 down 149 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 29 - Where Silence Has Lease

I have to keep reminding myself that this show is from the late 80's. But, damn the villain in this episode is so stupid looking. I'm guessing it was made by Jim Henson or something. "Dance, Magic, Dance, Magic, Dance". Anyway, i'll post the picture later. The plot is thus; The Enterprise gets sucked into a void in space. They encounter strange space-time loops etc. They see mirages of Romulan and Federation ships. This is all an experiment given by some super being. They see no way out, so Picard issues a self destruct. For really no reason. It worked and the being lets them go ... for some reason. Then Picard makes friends with it ... i guess.

ST TNG: 28 down 150 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 28 - The Child

Season Two. A rough year for Star Trek with the whole writers strike thing and shit. They used some old Phase II scripts and this is one of them. A lot of people hate this episode, but I didn't find it all that bad. It's not top quality but the acting was good. And Troi is always hot. Even when she's having an alien baby that rapidly grows from a newborn to teenager in like one day. Riker finally grows his beard. Gates McFadden is gone, replaced by some other doctor woman of whom I can't stand. This episode also has the great ... well maybe not great, but mildly decent Miles O'Brien in it. Another surprise was Guinan. I have always hated this character, but in this episode Whoopi Goldberg was just so damn good. I'm not a big fan of Whoopi, but I must admit that she's a pretty solid actor. ANYWAY. Why does a ship that has replicators, need a bartender?

ST TNG: 27 down 151 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 27 - The Neutral Zone

Damn, season one is already done. It ends on a high note ... and then fizzles out at the end. I'll get to that. First off all, good guest stars in this one. You got, the great Peter Marc Richman who played Chrissy's dad on Three's Company, Anthony James who was the villain in one of the Naked Gun movies, the dude that played John Billings in The Patriot and the Gul Dukat guy from DS9.

The Enterprise happens upon a 21st Century Satellite thingy. On board are cryogenically frozen humans. Three are still alive. Here's the genius of this, these people are not scientists or anything ... rather they are typical annoying Americans. You got an emotionally unstable house wife, an alcoholic country singer and a dickhead business man named Ralph Offenhouse (remember him because he is somewhat important). Picard must deal with their problems while simultaneously dealing with the complete destruction of Starfleet outposts near the Neutral Zone. Soon they are visited by one of my favorite all time Star Trek ships ... the huge, green, Romulan Warbird. Sweet. Picard finds out that Romulan outposts have also been destroyed. (Note: this is the first vague reference to the Borg). Picard makes sort of an alliance with the Romulans. Sort of. And then the episode ends. Yeah, that's it. It was the most passive season finale ever.

Now back to Oppenhouse. He actually appears in a bunch of Star Trek novels, both before and after this episode. Once back on Earth he ends up becoming a Starfleet big wig and Ambassador to the Ferengi. I just read somewhere too that instead of the ship finding all of these frozen people, the original idea was for them to find a frozen Harry Mudd. Sadly Roger Carmel died before the making so they had to re-write it.

ST TNG: 26 down 152 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 26 - Conspiracy

Every once in awhile an episode comes along that just makes you go wow. This is one of those episodes. Unfortunatly it made me go, wow what a piece of shit. The sad thing is that it really seemed like they went all out on this one. It's just too stereotypical sci-fi. There is a Conspiracy involving Starfleet high command, they seem to be trying to take over Starfleet ... also they eat worms. This is because they are actually just hosts for an alien parasite race ... known as Mexicans. Just kidding. This episode just turns into a rip off of Aliens, V, etc etc. It has the alien parasite bustin through someones chest and everything. Although I did enjoy Data's attempt at laughing (one of many awesome moments) and the appearance of the great great great GREAT Michael Berryman.

ST TNG: 25 down 153 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 25 - We'll Always Have Paris

An odd group of guest stars ... Michelle Phillips from the Mamas & the Pappas, and the guy that played Freud in Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure. I like the science in this episode, it involves an experimental machine that screws with space-time. The wife of this inventor is Picards old f-buddy from Paris. He stood her up one day and never saw her again. Until now. They recreate that day in Paris in the Holodeck and this time Picard shows up. Nothing happens because she's married ... so what the fuck was the point? Oh and that machine thing goes crazy and Data fixes it. Why use the holodeck to recreate a regret?? Not like you can correct it. So dumb.

ST TNG: 24 down 154 to go