Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Video Store of Terror

So the U.S. finally killed that Arab guy. I'd look up his name but i'm to lazy. Anyway, I read in the paper that Al was a former video store clerk. (They all seem to be named Al right?) Anyway, how does one make the jump from a video store, to the head of a terrorist organization.

Int: Video Store Pakistan

Al: So as I was saying, we need to do more beheadings.

Bin-Ladin: Yes, I always wanted an infadel to give me head....get it!!

Al: HAHA, your too much. First we need to get our mits on some guns.

Bin-Ladin: Seriously man, no one says mits anymore.

Al: Whatever. We will make all inferior scum suffer to the ...

Customer: Excuse me. I'm looking for a romantic movie, any suggestions?

Al: My personal favorite is The Horse Whisperer, Robert Redford was pure magic.

Customer: Thanks

Al: So anyway, we cut at the base of the infadels neck thus severing the spine and ...

Customer: Hey, I need your opinion. Which Patrick Swayze movie is better, "Dirty Dancing" or "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar".

Al: Hmmm. tough choice there. Personally I would go with Swayze's first appearance, "Skatetown, U.S.A."

Customer: Thanks

Al: We need to kill as many American scum as possible, destroy the devils economy and ..

Customer: Hi, I'm ready to pay.

Al: Oh, the original Disney's Cinderella. Something for the kids eh? These new cgi cartoons have nothing against the visually stunning originals. AH! And one of my all time favs, "City Of Angels". Nic Cage had me crying like it was nobody's business. Would you like to purchase some Mike and Ikes for only $2.00 a box?

Bin-Ladin: So .... you wanna go halfs on a pizza or something?

....thats all i got.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Full House of Pain

I was looking at Full House episode discriptions and this one made me laugh my ass off.
" Joey starts seeing things when he gets bonked on the head with a coconut."
Thats classic! How hard was it write this show ... honestly.

Here's some of the other episodes. Now imagine the writers pitching these ideas in-front of excecutives. These are actual episodes.

Writer: Ok ready, "Jesse lets DJ and Stephanie stay up late with his band. They even have pizza delivered at night! Then Danny comes home. "

Hmm wow, that's fucking exciting. Pizza? At night? Wow, that's unheard of! Next.

Writer: How about, "Granny returns to find the house a mess and her granddaughter is a turtle. See what happens when Claire refuses to clean up after the boys."

Exec: A turtle? Are you high?

Writer: Check this, "Father/Daughter day turns out so great for the Tanner's until it has to end. And Joey in leather? ."

Exec: ".........."

Writer: "Find out why Jesse is about to mash Joey's potato. Why the cable goes out just when your about to watch something and how jealousy is the Green Eyed Monster".

Exec: "Your a sick fuck, man....seriously"

Writer: I got more, "Stephanie accidentally cuts part of Jesse's hair off and when he's on his motorcycle, his hair distracts him and he wrecks."

Exec: "HAHAHAHAHAHA ...... fuck you."

Writer: "Joey goes on star search"

Exec: "Is Joey gay or a child molester? He's a creepy 35 year old man that lives in a basement, he almost never has a broad over. He spends all of his time hanging out with little girls. Also, Danny seems really gay, he's obsessed with cleaning and shit. Furthermore, Uncle Jesse is obsessed with his hair and looks ... that's kinda gay."

Writer: "The show isn't gay!"

Exec: "The only thing good about the show is Kimmy. That skinny bitch in spandex always gives me a huge rod"

I believe the music to this is "Hammer Smashed Face" by one of my favorite bands, Canibal Corpse.