Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I'm outta shit to write...

In math, when you put a number to the second power its called squared. Wouldn't squared be to the fourth power? Because a square has FOUR sides. Also wouldn't squared and cubed be the same thing? Because a cube is a square. Maybe i'm just an idiot.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

HAPPY PEARL HARBOR DAY !!!!

5 Things about Pearl Harbor

1. It was the really the Jews fault, why?

Japanese commander Mitsuo Fuchida, who led 184 bombers and fighters over Oahu, sent the message "Tora! Tora! Tora!". (See, the Tora!!!!)

2. Along with a conspiracy from the Blacks, why?

The cruiser USS Detroit (survived) was docked alongside the USS Raleigh ( which sank) and the USS Utah (which capsized during the attack). (See, DETROIT?!?!?!)

3. The dead from the attack numbered 2,390 Americans, including 1,177 on the battleship Arizona. Raising Arizona starred Nicolas Cage who was in The Rock with Ed Harris who was in Apollo 13 with KEVIN BACON! So you....i just linked Kevin Bacon to the Pearl Harbor Attacks!!!

4.
On Aug. 4, 1963, Japanese Commander Fuchida visited the Detroit area and told members of the Woodlawn Church of God in Royal Oak, "Today, I do only the things that glorify the Lord."

Even God is involved!!! And whats with Detroit!!!

5. Avoiding hits from Japanese planes, the USS Detroit headed into the Pacific in search of the enemy. ---In other words they pussied out and took off.....DETROIT!!!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

King Mongkut

I Touch Myself (thinking of Yul Brynner)

I love Mongkut
I want Yul to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want Yul above me
I search Siam
I want Yul to find me
I forget myself
I want Yul to remind me

Chorus:
I don't want anybody else
When I think about Yul
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

Friday, November 25, 2005

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE MUGATO'S BLOG

First of all, RIP to Pat Morita, he croaked. He was in the Karate Kid and he was also in the movie...get it? Anyway, my favorite scene in the Karate Kid is when Daniel wax-off....GET IT?!?!?1 I'm so funny. Anyway, Novemeber 18th marked the one year anniversary of Mugato's Blog. What a great run it's been, good times ... good times. Here's the origin of Mugato's Blog...in case you cared.

One day while bored in work I decieded to do a search for Rachel Ray pics. For some reason it brought me to www.fuwalda.com (now www.dononline.com) ... probebly because he did a raving review of the shows on Food Network which had me rolling in laughter. I must give credit where credit is due, I woulda never had made a blog if I never stumbled across Donalds site ... it touched me, in ways i've never been touched before. Except maybe be Father Paul at St. Joseph's Church in Sommerville Massachusetts. I laughed, I cried, I laughed again...then I masturbated...then I realized I was in work...then I realized I accidently stumled across the NAMBLA website...then I sadly masturbated again. 525,600 minutes!!! What was I talking about?? Oh yeah, Pat Morita...my favorite Italian actor. Anyway, I read that whole blog that day and I still do, it's funny stuff. I said to myself, Damn I need to get in on this action. All that fame of a blog was within my grasp. And I grabed it, like Gary Glitter grabs a prepubescant Asian girls ass. So I made the blog. Why Mugato??? I love that character. Thats why. There where 2 times that I laughed my ass off at Classic Star Trek, one was when Abe Lioncoln flew up to the Enterprise and the other was the appearance of that monkey suit known as The Mugato. So, that's it. I'll credit Don for inspiring me to make a blog, especially since he accused me of stealing his song parody idea.... and I don't want to get sued. Especially by a .... Minnesotian.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

McCoy's Song

This song parody is long overdue. You know Annie's Song by John Denver.....aka "You fill up my senses, Like a night in the forest". Ok, well - this is called Lenny's song (Leonard "Bones" McCoy played by DeForrest Kelly). Got it straight? Good.

McCoy's Song

You fill up my senses
Like a night in DeForrest
Like a mountain on Vulcan
Like a walk on the Bridge
Like a storm on Zatar
Like a sleepy blue Andorian
You filled up my anus
Come fill me again

-The End-

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Replace Game returns!!

Here's the return of the REPLACE game. To refresh, all you do is this: Pick n TV show, find an episode guide, copy it into Notepad/Wordpad/Word (whatever), do "Replace" and change all the main characters names to something else.....then read. Such as this:

I took the Wonder Years season 1 episodes and changed the characters as such:

Kevin = Steven Hawking
Paul = OJ
Wayne = Chris Burke AKA Corky
Winnie = Josh Koenig AKA Boner from Growing Pains

# "Pilot"
Steven Hawking and OJ attend Robert F Kennedy Junior High for the first time. Boner's brother is killed in Vietnam. Steven Hawking and Boner kiss for the first time. (I think i'd pay to see this.)

# "Summer Song"
Steven Hawking enters unchartered waters when he meets an older girl during his summer vacation. (Uncharted ... like a blackhole???)

# "Math Class"
Steven Hawking has trouble in math class when he comes up against a teacher who Steven Hawking thinks is completely unreasonable. (He's such a know-it-all)

# "Corky on Wheels"
Steven Hawking wants to get to the mall to see a girl he can't stop thinking about, but the only way he can is by begging his brother Corky to drive. (He probebly drives better than me)

# "Mom Wars"
Steven Hawking thinks his mother is being over-protective when she tries to stop him from playing tackle football after school. (Emmy worthy)

# "On the Spot"
Steven Hawking, OJ and Boner become involved in a production of "Our Town." Trouble begins when Boner gets stage fright. Steven Hawking thinks he's set because all he has to do is operate the spotlight. (Who wouldn't watch this??)

# "Odd Man Out"
When Steven Hawking and OJ get on each other's nerves, they try to become best friends with two other boys. (Don't OJ too mad)

# "The Pimple"
Steven Hawking is looking forward to the visit of an old family friend,until he discovers his first pimple. (I think a pinple is the LEAST of his worries)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

This sux

My remake of Gone with the Wind (actually just the beginning lines)....starring:
Keanu Reaves as Brent
Jackie Chan as Stuart
Mr.T as Scarlett


Brent Tarleton
: Woah!Like, what do we care if we we're expelled from San Dimas, Scarlett? The war is gonna be most excellent.....duh.
Stuart Tarleton: Oh, risn't it rexciting, Scrarlett? Rou krnow those frool Ranks may actuarry *want* a wrar?
Brent Tarleton: Woah!
Scarlett: Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war; Jibba Jabba Jibba Jabba this war talk's spoiling all the fun FOOL.. I get so bored I could scream sucka. Besides... there isn't going to be any war suckafool.
Brent Tarleton: Woah?
Stuart Tarleton: Wrhy, hroney, of crourse there's gronna be a wrar.
Scarlett: If either of you boys says "war" just once again, I'll break every bone in your feeble little body, got that sucka? I pitty the fool that says war.
Brent Tarleton: Whoah!
Stuart Tarleton: I'm a gook.

That was stupid and offensive...i apologize. I'm an alien I don't know any better.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sssssssulu

This has come to my attention...
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/28/people.georgetakei.ap/

Ha...that is the funniest picture.
Sulu is gay?? No really? Gee I never suspected that. Come on now, is this a shock? Be warned though...DO NOT get a mental picture of Sulu and Kirk.

Also just think what he does with that Vulcan hand greeting....gross.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Mugato's News Flash

This age of histeria is really getting annoying. There hasn't been a good Hysteria since Def Lepards in the 80's. I mean Hurricanes, Floods, Earthquakes, The Bird Flu ... it's all the wrath of God right? Thats what everyone thinks right? Here's a news flash: You know what causes hurricanes? Wind. Fucked up wacky, cooky wind. You know what causes Floods? Water, lots of water, it overflows, sometimes rain will make this so. You Know what causes earthquakes? The mother fuckin' techtonic plates biatch, or if a fat person falls down. You know what causes the Bird Flu? Well...i really don't know, but I assume it has to do with an Asian fornicating with a bird.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Kraven Man Thing

Here's the original series by Mugato and Capt. Naps . What If? Kraven teamed up with Man Thing.

Episode 1:

Man Thing - This is pretty cool huh? Me and you buddy, together.
Kraven (holding his nose) - Oh...Oh God...you smell disgusting.
Man Thing - Sorry dude. I tried to throw on some CK One.
Kraven - Don't you know that you can't hide a smell with another smell.
Man Thing - Isn't that what deoderant does?
Kraven - True ... I hate those roll-ons, they make me all soggy.
Man Thing - You think you know soggy? I'm a friggin human swamp..
Kraven - Speaking of which, aren't you basically Swamp Thing?
Man Thing - um.....so Hey did you see "The Biggest Loser" last night?
Kraven - Yeah his name was Spider-Man ... haahahahahahaha ... SHAZAM!!!
Man Thing - Shazam? Where the hell did that come from?
Kraven - From Joe.
Man Thing - Joe who?
Kraven - Joe Mama!!
Man Thing - Ha ha .. got me again.
Kraven - OK so anyway back to business, since i'm the tough bad guy...i get to headline.
Meaning MY name always goes first.
Man Thing - Thats fine.
Kraven - There's a victims now!
Man Thing - It's Puck from Alpha Flight. Let's roll.
Kraven - Hey you midget, be prepared to be destroyed by the most fearsome duo of all time.
Coware in fear! For we are Kraven-Man Thing.
Puck - You're craving man thing? Thats gross.
Kraven - Oh God...that sounds really gay.
Man Thing - See, my name should go first.
Kraven - I mean, we are Man Thing-Kraven!
Puck - Eeew ... you're man thing craving?
Kraven - Damn it Man Thing, why does your name have to be so falical!
Man Thing - I never really noticed.
Kraven - Um...hmm...listen Puck...we're gonna go and fixed this little name thing.
We'll catch up with you another time and destroy you. Ok?
Puck - Thats cool, see ya guys later.
Man Thing - Peace out.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Wizard ComicCon ... BOSTON

CAPTAIN NAPS: So whatever, that comic book convention was pretty cool. and you thought it was going to suck! I told you that hot chicks were going to be there!!! and um comics...right???

MUGATO: I must say that it was decent. There was hot "chicks" there...I still refuse to believe that they where girls, they may have been gay men dressed as women. Because Girls cant possibly like comics.

CAPTAIN NAPS: We should go to a silk screening place and have them put Giant Sized Man Thing on a shirt. it would be amusing...right??? and then I would wear it too...um..no where.

MUGATO: That was the may favorite part. I finally saw a Giant-Sized Man Thing comic. You all know how Marvel used to come out with that annual?? Giant Sized comic such as Giant-Sized Iron Man or whatever ... acually was it DC comics?? Who cares, all I know is I finally saw a Giant-Sized Man Thing.

CAPTAIN NAPS: Also I actually own the book "How to self publish your own comics" because I am gay. I never actually read it though. now get to work on mugato's blog about his visit to comic con.

MUGATO: I am getting to work on the blog ... right as we speak. Ha ha ha. um ........ HAHAHA. YEAH!!!

CAPTAIN NAPS: I would actually go to those things all the time but the one at the radisson is always kinda lame and the one in framingham doesn’t even have that many comic.

MUGATO: Well well, we did see Lou Ferigno right?? AND MARGOT KIDDA!! and thats about it. And you did get Sean Wangs autograph... AND we met the creator of the Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles. So all in all it was worth the 20 bucks. And I only spent 15.00 on a useless Star Wars independent film called Star Wars: Contract of Evil. Anything else to add Naps?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Girls do things

Recently in the news (by recently I mean 4 months ago) it was big news that some stupid broad was in some stupid Nascar thing. She came in 3rd place or something. Is this really impressive? Its not like she actually pulled her car with her vagina or something. She DROVE a car. I fucking drive a damn car every day of my life. Where is my parade??? I spent 4 years in a tiger cage in Nam while getting beaten by a bunch of Cong Bastards. When i got back you filthy hippies spit on me and call me baby killer!!!
oh wait what was I talking about??
Ya girl race car drivers
Anyway Nascar is pretty much unwatchable. Is it even a sport?? its just driving around a track, it doesnt require any real ability. Girls have been allowed to drive cars since the 60s so whats the big deal that some female was in nascar? If some girl pitched a perfect game in Major League Baseball I would actually be impressed, but driving a car? who cares.

Why do Hippies (people from Cambridge MA) hate soliders because they kill babies but are all pro-choice?? sometimes its okay to kill babies but other times its not???? I am very consistent on my pro kill babies platform.
Vote for me, Captain Naps!!!!

Well I went to a comic con with Mugatto last weekend I am still waiting for him to post his stupid blog report on this important subject.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Micheal Keaton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey dudes and dudettes (???? girls are reading this right???) I am going to discuss the entire oeuvre of the finest living american actor who has ever lived MICHEAL KEATON!!!!!
so enough with the talkin' lets get rockin'!!!

WORKING STIFFS : this was a sitcom staring micheal keaton and Jim from the world according to jim. It came out in the same year i was born 1979. coincidence????? It lasted 3 episodes, it wasn't that bad actually. It had some good slapstick which you usually dont get to see on sitcoms (3s company being the main exception). Working stiffs would be a good name for a porno or a zombie film or a zombie porno

Night Shift : Keatons break out performance! he gives an tony award winning turn as a pimp or a "love broker". This film shows that being a hooker isn't all that bad. This was also ron howards big break as a director. I can't believe this film was actually a hit. I liked it though. The Fonz really isnt a very good actor.

Mr. MOM This film was pretty good but i havent seen it in a million years so it could actuall sucks. Keaton plays a guy who becomes a home maker and is married to terri garr. Terri Garr used to be a pretty decent looking broad. Remeber when he said "nice Knockers" but he was refering to the door knocker? hahaha oh wait that was young frankenstein. I dont remeber anything funny from this film.

Johnny Dangerously this film is pretty much a rip off of AIRPLANE! though it takes place (vaguely) in the roaring 30s. Micheal keaton plays the titular hero johnny who is some kind of mob boss or something. This movie has some pretty decent jokes in it actually.

Gung Ho this film is about the popular GI JOE character Gung Ho who works at a car factory that gets taken over by the Japs. It proves the people from Japan aren't all bad even if that Battan Death March was pretty rude. FUN FACT: this movie was turned into a sitcom, that was pretty bad. Yet I still remember it in excrusiating detail. I give this film 9 thumbs up.

DREAM TEAM , in this film micheal keaton plays a mental patient. Um, its pretty funny. What Night shift was to hookers this film is too demented people. Who would have thought that being insane could be so funny./??? well not me. My rating 24 stars.

BATMAN, The best film ever made by humans a trillion stars out of 3

Batman 2 umm not really that great, but still better than batman 3 or 4. though not as good as batman begins.

Multiplicty <> Everyones dream come true! What if we could clone MIcheal Keaton!!!!! anyway keaton gives a pretty good comedic perfomance in this film. an underated Keaton Klassic.


Jackie Brown: I guess he was in this film, did anyone even see it??? I actually liked the film though I dont remember keaton being in it.

Jack Frost.......um pass

White Noise. Me and Mugatto skipped work to see this film. It was pretty okay. not that great but it taught me to laugh at love.....again.

Herbie Fully loaded. Whatever, Lindsay Lohan used to be hot before she lost all her weight, now she doesnt have any boobs. Micheal Keaton steals every scene in this film

anyway thats my review of keatons films. I guess there are other films but i never seen them. Keaton is a great actor and always seems coked up.




Free Image Hosting at <a href=www.ImageShack.us"

Also everyone should watch Arrested Development on Fox mondays at 8. nothing to do with micheal Keaton just thought i share.

Friday, September 23, 2005

It's crying time

Everyone has had a movie that made them cry or at least get choked up. I know someone that admitted to the following ... King Kong, A Walk to Remember and an episode of Dark Angel. HAHAHA what a freak. I'll admit to the following ... Titanic, I am Sam, Step Mom, and the Nicholas Sparks book "The Guardian" ... how gay is that? So come on everyone fess up!

-Mugato

Friday, September 16, 2005

Women are mentally ill

I think i've come to the conclusion that women are mentally ill. One minute they are normal the next they are insane. This may be true for all women, but i don't know for sure, but it sure seems like MOST women are like this. It's no secret really. Women have been crazy for centuries....Joan of Arc was crazy - she claimed that she saw angels ...hahahahahahaha ANGELS! How stupid ... right? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the show Newhart. Remember when that "Hi i'm Larry, this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl" thing was funny? Why? What the hell where we laughing at!?!?!?!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Steve's gay (as in happy) movie review

This weekend my friend ...um Steve....watched 2 movies. One being "The Notebook" and the other being "Because of Winn Dixie". So ...Steve... was really disappointed by The Notebook, while i'm sure that it was a decent flick it evidently went totally against the book ... which Steve read .... and enjoyed. Nicholas Sparks is a good author right? It coulda been worse, it's not like Steve reads Danielle Steele or trashy raunchy sex novels written by my actual 7th Grade English teacher Patricia Grasso (look her up on Amazon!). The movie is a disgrace to all that enjoyed the book .... um like Steve did.

Ahh. Winn Dixie, this movie was surprisingly very good and entertaining. Who doesn't love dogs? My dad, thats who. Anyway, this dog is just so cool, irt can smile ... for real. This flick is rather dark and depressing for a kids film, which is pretty chill. The characters are a girl who's mother abandoned her, a blind drunk black lady, an ex-con child-molester??? played by that great actor Dave Mathews??? and a bunch of other people or something. Anyway, I liked this movie ... i mean Steve liked it. And seriously Steve is totally straight, no shit he really is.

PS: My favorite U.S. body of water is Lake New Orleans ... was that a joke???

Friday, August 19, 2005

Iraq and Roll Hoochie-Coo

Iraq.....i still don't care. I really don't. I guess it's sad, but I don't give a shit. Sure i've tried to care, but I just CAN'T DO IT!!! Everyone complaines about it and i'm sick of hearing it .... "Oh all those soldiers are dying over there" ... Well what the fuck do you think the military is for?? Marching in a friggin parade??? It's probably the only occupation in which you are pretty much gonna die. So shut up. Anyway, I say lets just Just drop nukes on the middle east ... the whole friggin thing, Iraq, Iran, Afgan, Jordan....hell even Israel. Who cares ... I sure as hell don't. WHY? Because I hate everybody! If your humanI hate you, i don't descriminate. I could care less what religion, color, nationality or whatever ... I hate EVERYONE equally. While i'm at it. Everyone is complaining about oil prices and war for oil ... you wanna complain hippy?? Then let us drill in friggin Alaska. Then we wont have to worry anymore. Sure I love wildlife more than the next guy ... in fact I like animals better than people. But I look at it this way....when we have no oil left, then those same animals that we protected in Alaska, we're gonna be killing for fur so that we can stay warm. So might as well just kill em now and get it over with! Makes sense right? ........right? ...............hello? Will all this trouble over the protection of animals and people make a difference when the sun goes supernova?!?! The answer is NO!! Anyone see DiGrassi The Next Generation last week? It rocked! It was funny when Emily got an STD from Wesley Crusher.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Der Friedensstifter

I've talked alot of shit about Vin Diesel, in fact I still think he sucks. But boy was I wrong about The Pacifier. It really wasnt all that bad. Granted Diesel still acts horribly in it, but it works. The plot basically is this: Diesel is a Navy Seal with a one-track military mind and no emotions (which makes his lack of acting ability work so well), his new mission is to babysit a family of kids....why? you ask, watch the damn movie I dont have time to explain it. Thats the plot anyway, it sounds dumb but for some reason it was decent. I laughed more than once and the movie had good action scenes. Whatever, I still hate Vin Diesel. Heres some more of my favorite "kids" movies...

Cat in the Hat - (my favorite movie about a creepy pedophile man-cat)
Willy Wonka - (favorite movie about a creepy pedophile candy maker)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit - (favorite movie about cartoon beastiality)
Wizard of Oz - (favorite movie about a homosexual lion, a very gay tin-man, and a scarecrow who's sexuality is of suspect)
Kindergarten Cop - (favorite movie about a child abusing police officer)
Stuart Little - (favorite movie about ........a mouse)
Little Vampire - (favorite movie about closeted homosexuals ..... also known as vampires)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Gone Fis(h/t)ing

Why do people own fish? Whats the f-in' point?!? You can't play with it and it has no idea that your even there! They don't do shit. It's a sad fact but it's true, a fish as a pet is useless. You might as well have an ant as a pet, or even a homeless guy, they're just as useless. Fish are so useless that vegetarians eat them!! They don't even count to a psycho vegatarian. On the other hand why do I enjoy fishing? Especially when it's catch and release, I suppose there is no point in that, except maybe to go "Yeah Fish, I caught you and I could so easily kill you right now, but i'm in a good mood....lucky you, you get to live ... just remember that" ....... oh yeah thats why I like fishing. Which brings me to my second topic...fisting. Does anyone really enjoy getting fisted?!?!?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Biggest Newz Ever

The biggest news report of the last week was the London bombing...just kidding. The biggest news was the death of Scotty.
I met Scotty once at a sci fi convention. I was there on my shore leave as a star ship captain. It was 20 bucks to get his autograph. I didn't spend the money because what would I do with his autograph? Also I would have to talk to him and what the hell would I say???? "Soooooo star trek huh? Hows that going for you???"
He looked pretty old and no one was in line for his autograph but he sat there smiling at people. Oh well he was probably a really nice guy, and now I'll never get his autograph or talk to him. I wanted to tell him that the Enterprise shouldn't be hauling garbage but that it should hauled away AS garbage!!!

he would probably punch me.

It turns out he really wasn't Scottish or even from the future!!!

Captain Naps Video Game Pick of the Year: NightShade part1: the claws of sutekh (for NES) there was no part 2. its a pretty fun game.

Shitcargo

Is Chicago a good city? I really have no idea. I have no desire to ever go there though. People always tell me that "it's a good place, you hould visit it" and then I say "Oh have you been there?" and they always say "Well...no". Seriously this happened to me like 3 times. This is all I know about Chicago...

1. They have Pizzaria Uno's Chicago Grill. Assuming they really have that in Chicago and it's not just a gimmicky name. I actually hate this place, I went there once with two friends of mine and they put us in this lovers booth that was set apart from the rest of the seating area....then again it may have been the Negro Table. I'm not sure.

2. They have Mr. T (MR. T threw out the first pitch at the White Sox/Red Sox game the other night. I guess thats pretty cool. T is such a crackhead...but not. I wish I could just naturally act like a coked-up drug addict.)

3. They have Billy Corigan (He sang Take Me Out To The Ball Game at last years All Star Game i think, he's so ugly....I always thought actually looked like a Smashing Pumpking, like his head is a pumpking in the process of smashing...literally...it's true).

4. They had the Great Chicago fire....not the greatest thing to be known for.

Anyway, I know shit about Chicago.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Interested?


I am hypnotizing you.....you will click on my link this time. You will click it, unlike last time when nobody cut and pasted my link. You will do as I say. And....AWAKE!
READ THIS
There it's linked. Click it and tell me that
it's not the funniest
title of a news article ever?

Also if anyone has seen this movie, let me know if
it's any good. I know Depp is good and all, but I think
I buy Gene Wilder being a child-molester more than I do Depp.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Witch's Brew

Hey losers its your old pal Capt. Naps (pal...right???)
Anyway In the news today I was reading about a big stink people were making about putting up a Samatha Stevens Statue in Salem. And by "today" I mean 3 months ago.
Samatha Stevens was the witch from Bewitched. And Salem is a city in MA in the USA on Planet Earth. In salem about a million years ago 2o people where killed for being a witch.
Now people are complaining that a statue of Samtha Stevens will cheapen their memory (what memory>???? Who cares about these people)
This annoys me on several levels. I hate Salem. They totally have been milking that whole witch trial thing for 400 years. I guess slapping a witch logo on every piece of crap and then selling it to tourist doesn't cheapen the memories of those people who died???
Plus what if they were actual witches??? See no one thinks about that. Everyone complains that it was bad that they killed those poor women. But what if they really were witches?

I hate people who think they are witches are into the occult. I Know they are just acting like they believe it. They act like they are into the occult because they think it makes them more interesting. HAHAHA the jokes on you! You are even less interesting than everyone else.
Plus its usually fat chicks that are into that crap so they are gross anyway.

In conclusion I hate witches and MILFHUNTERS.COM is a horrible site.

If anyone visits Salem I suggest going to the Peabody Essex Musuem, now that place is totally rad (and has nothing to do with witches)

Also I hate people who read Harry Potter. I guess its okay if a kid reads it but if its an adult then its gay. Adults who read harry potter should be excuted. Go read an adult book, like American Psycho.

Shark Weak etc.

I have three quick thing to say here.

1. Shark week on the Discovery Channel is weak and pointless. Every year is the same shit. I mean seriously....has anything mind-blowing been discovered in the last 20 years on the Shark front? The answer my friends is no.

2. Purell Hand Sanitzer looks like cum. Sorry, but it needs to be said. OK maybe it lacks the pearl colored hue, but it's still disturbing.

3. Slang ruins so many words huh? Just think that at some point words like Gay, Queer and Fag meant something totally different. Try and say the words Rod, Bone and Booty without thinking of something sexual. What i'm leading to you ask? Ha ha........hahaha...................hahahahahaahaa.............. ah..............anyway. I'm trying to say that the word Facial has been officially ruined. I will prove my point with one sentence. "For my Moms birthday i'm gonna give her a facial." Nuff said.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Eminem to make final bow as solo artist-report

Does anyone care? I don't. I friggin despize Eminem, he's everything I hate all rolled into one. From his bleached hair to his....bleched hair. He's not tough, he's just a whinny dickhead. Anyway, since when is a skinny white kid considered tough anyway? Did you ever get a headache so bad that it made you puke? That happened to me yesterday, it sucked.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

More Fun at the Mall

I called in sick today at work (at my job as a Star Ship Captain...right????) so that I could go to the Mall and return my Computer Game. I go their at 10:30 and the store was closed. Every other store in the Mall was open except for EB Games. So I had to hang out till 12 when it opened. I did end up returning my Used copy of Freedom Force for a new copy but the female clerk had a real sourpuss on her face. Thats right, a sourpuss. It was the same girl who sold me the used copy.
I bought video game insurance for 3 dollars./?????WHY??? because the girl had big boobs, thats why.
The Mall has the worst food court. Umi of Japans? Bandito's Chicken (or something like that) Umi's of Japan has all asians working there (I don't know if they are were Japs though) and Bandito's has all hispanic people working there. The Pasta Place had Italians and the Boston Chowdah company had all Bostonians working there!! Its Racism!!! What if I wanted to work at Umi's of Japan???? I probably couldn't because I am not some stupid Asian person.
Plus Boston Chowdah is an ethnic slur that I find very offensive.

I ended my Day at the Library. I hate the Library its all annoying Kids and its not like they are reading, they are all on the internet. Why did libraries get computers? so kids can look up stuff about meth and homeless people can look up porn. thats why.

I got kicked off, yet another messageboard today. This time it was a comic book message board. The topic was gays in comics and I said it was all a scam to get little kids who read comics to become gay because gay men like underage boys.
How is that offensive??? Its true. Straight men like underage girls so why would Gay Men like Underage boys??? whatever. that makes the 1,426th messageboard that i have been kicked off of.

In conclusion the Mall sucks especially at 10:30 am , no hot teen chicks. The Library always sucks because its filled with poor people who can't afford internet access. And I am a total nerd because not only do I read comics I must discuss them on-line.
anyway here is a funny link to wacky old school comic book covers (its pretty funny I guess)

http://www.superdickery.com/seduction/36.html

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I can't tell....

A follow up to the Captain Naps post here.... There's two thing that I can't tell anymore. (that was the oddest sentence ever) 1. How old a girl is. AND 2. If a guy is gay.

A) Girls all look 20+ to me, when in reality they are 13+. This is disturbing and if you ask me ... a national crisis. I'm sorry but, the statutory rape laws should be eradicated from the books. Not so dudes can score with teens, but because I bet on many occasions a dude scores with a teen thinking she's much older and then he gets bagged for rape?!?! Who's in fault there? The girl. See kids it's the womens fault when she gets raped.....um in this case at least....i think. Anyway, you get my drift.

B) This whole femanized straight guy thing is really getting out-of-control. I think they call it "metrosexual", now i'm far-far-far from a Macho Guy and Captain Naps is even further than me, but when you spend more than 15 minutes getting dressed and combing your hair...then your tredding on gay. If you put any amount of make-up on your face, go tanning or use more than one hair product... then your tredding on gay. When you psychotically wipe down your car every night or clean your sneakers daily ... then you may be a redneck ... i mean your tredding on gay. And the saddest thing is that THESE are the dudes that get the hottest chicks INCLUDING the teens at the mall! See how I tied it all in. I'm so cool. Why do chicks like femanine men, think back to the 80's, remember Poison?!?! Think of the women they got. Well i'm off to the great State of New Hampshire, after I watch that great reality show about a hair salon called "Blowout" .... really it's a good show.

-Mugato

Monday, July 11, 2005

My adventures at the Mall

This is Captain Naps , y'all wiggity wiggity wack.
Ahem
Anyways as I was saying I was at the mall sunday with Mugato. I bought "city of heroes 2" at EB games. The lady made me buy it used, I wanted the new copy but she insisted that i take the slightly cheaper used one (the new copy was 29 dollars the used copy was 23 dollars). So i get home and it doesn't fucking work. That fucking cunt tricked me. I probably can't return it now either. She hypnotised me with her boobs.
Anyway the girls at the mall where all hot.
So here is the actual topic for today

Greatest books ever written by humans in the 20th century earth.

1. American Psycho-by Brett Easton Ellis
Its like a million times better than the movie! more killing and more sex!! shoving a sewer rat into someones privates! cutting womens heads off and then having sex with it!! um...social commentary????
also a pretty good review of Huey lewis and the News complete discography.

2. Gods Grace- by some guy
This book is a lost classic! In fact I lost it. I think I let mugato borrow it so I'll probably never see it again, plus he probably read it on the toliet so I don't want it back anyway. This book is about the end of the world and only one guy is left alive. He finds some monkey who learns to talk and they become friends. Plus he meets some other monkeys that learn to talk
(spoiler!!!!!)
This book has super hot man/monkey sex!!!! This is the only book that really delievers on the promise of monkey sex. Alot of books say they have monkey sex but this book REALLY has it and its hot, unlike say Alex Haley's Roots (hahha now thats racist!!!! )

Well thats all the books I have ever read anyway so its a pretty short list.

Capt. Naps Video game pick of the week: River City Ransom (nes):
Once again I am not going to actually discuss why I picked this game, I am too fucking lazy. its a good game, believe me or don't. Now its time for me to BLAST OFF!!! INTO SPACE!!!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Smell-a-portation

teleportation is impossible because if the heisenberg uncertainity principal. I didn't even bother clicking on Mugato's link because it wasn't even click-able!! Muggy you lazy bastard!
See folks, Mugato got kicked off the internet at work (at his space bar) because he downloaded child porn......Julia Child Porn!!!!!

Well Have fun folks this is Captain Naps signing off. Keep Watching the Stars!!!!!!!

Naps Game Pick of The Day: Maniac Mansion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I would discuss why I picked this game but screw it I am lazy)

I went to the Mall with Mugato today, I feel so gay.

Teleportation

It's finally almost, kinda, sorta happening! Teleporting! Now I can go from here to there....quickly! Unlike before, when I could go from here to there only marginally quickly. This is so odd because I just started to read that book "Timeline" by Michael Cri??ton. Actually I'm listening to the book on tape, which is very depressing I must say. I'm so lazy that I can't even read anymore, it's very sad.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20050708/sc_space/teleportationexpresslanespacetravel

Because of lack of Posts I have decided to split posting duties with my good friend Captain Naps. Therefore I'm now going to apologize for anything horrible that he might say.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Gyros-Cope

You know that stupid food thing called a Gyros? I never would order one because I have no clue how to say it. So I looked it up...it's Yee-Ros. So I call the sub-shop, I say yeah gimme the Yee-Ros. They have no clue what i'm talking about, so i say Jai-Ros. And they understood. So In conclusion, just say Jai-Ros. I felt like a dick. It sucked. I was embaressed. But my Gyros was good. Friggin Greeks

Friday, June 10, 2005

South Park is the worstest show ever of all time in the history of the universe.

Wawawawazup! Ever since they took my internet away at work, i havn't had a chance to write in my blog. Now I actually have to work!! How dare they!!! .....um work at my bar that is?!?! Whatever. I really hate South Park. Always did and always will. I can't stand when shows/movies/comedians/humans in general - try too hard to be edgey and shocking. What I enjoy is witty and naturally sick humor. For instance I don't try to laugh when I hear a deaf person talk....it just seems to happen on it's own. This is why I hate South Park, it's very predictable. Hmmm lets see Terry Shiavo's in the news today....I wonder what South Park will be about tonight?!?! They take every sterotypical "shocking" piece of material and use it...and use it...and use it. SP lacks creativeness and originality. There are so many other great "cartoons" that are actually well written yet still edgey, such as: Family Guy, American Dad, Simpsons, Home Movies, Sealab, King of the Hill, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Harvey Birdman, Dr. Katz, The Critic, ....even Duckman! Anyway, I'd rather talk to Capt. Naps or read Donald "Kung" Fuwalda's blog - I laugh way more than when I watch crappy-ass South Park.

....man my spelling is getting worse with age.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Stank Phily

So I visited Philadelphia, PA, EARTH recently. It's not that great. Did you know that the actual Constitution isn't even there? And the cheese steaks are the same as a steak & cheese sub? And the famous pretzels are.....pretzels. Washington's Crossing wasn't even opened, it's in New Hope, PA i think, I was disappointed by the lack of Star Wars refferences in New Hope, PA. The Phily Zoo was top notch, but it's seriously in the worst ghetto i've ever seen. Philadelphia is a sub-par Bruce Springsteen song, but a damn funny Tom Hanks comedy. The best thing that came from the trip to Philly was this immortal line uttered by a thuggish black youth inside a Subway Resteraunt in Levittown, PA. "Yo, gimme the muthafuckin' Jarrod". The funny thing was, the lady new exactly what he meant.

Monday, May 16, 2005

You say Tomato, I say Caramelo

I overheard some lady saying Carmel today...she pronounced it Car-Mle. This really pissed me off, i don't know why, but it did. I say it like this...Care-a-mel (something like that). I guess i'm probebly the one thats saying it wrong, based on the spelling "Carmel". But is the candy bar not a Caramelo!!! I just hate when the Caramelo carmel gets on my chin, it's very mozzarella-esque. Or whatever, OK so it's a bad point. Granted i have a horrible accent, but at least I don't live in Minnesota (comment fishing), anyway I hate accents in general...mine included. Northeasterners all sound retarded, Southerners all sound retarded, West Coasteners all sound retarded and Fargo-esque-iners all sound retarded and also people that pronounce every friggin' letter are f-ing snobs (such people from Connecticut)....everyone covered? I'm a big fan of the homosexual male accent.....aka French. I guess an accent actually has nothing to do with my original point, the fact that I say Care-a-mel and you say Car-Mle. For all you humans that say Car-Mle, i don't hate, I just think your all snobs. Now I leave you with these words of wisdom "Streeeeeeetch it Out (out, out) CARAMELO!!!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Way Enterprise SHOULD end.

Here's the way Enterprise SHOULD end....by Mugato

During a terrorist plot to take over the ship the crew is injected with lethal amounts of steroids. They now suffer from severe roid-rage and are fighting amungst each other.

Int: Bridge of the Enterprise

The crew is physically fighting each other, this fight scene will last 30 minutes.

ARCHER
(punching Travis in the face)
"I am an Archer! Like the mighty Oliver Queen!"

TRAVIS
(laughing)
"Ha Ha, bring it bitch. For I am Lee Travis...AKA The Crimson Avenger!!!"

TRIP comes crashing through a brick wall

DR. PHLOX
"Trip! You be Trippin'!"

TRIP
(kicks DR. PHLOX's head off)
GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!

SATO
(picking up a complete copy of Hitchhikers Guide)
Hey Reed! Read this!!!

SATO flattens Reeds face

REED
(dying)
Take me....away.....Heart of Gold.

Scene Ends

Int: Archers Quarters

ARCHER and T'POL are having sex

ARCHER
"YOOOOOWWZZAAAA"

ARCHER looks into his large ceiling mirror above his bed, he realizes that it wasn't T'Pol - it was actually Tuvak (the black Vulcan from Voyager)

ARCHER
"Oh Boy"

SCENE ENDS

EXT: A Sunny Beach

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

BAKULA
"Wow, what a horrible dream"

Camera Pans out revealing a naked Tuvak lying next to him

BAKULA
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

SCENE ENDS

INT: Set of Quantum Leap

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

BAKULA
"Wow, what a horrible dream, I can't believe I had sex with a black"

Voice: "We're ready for your next scene Mr. Bakula"

Camera Pans out showing a filimg session of Quantum Leap

FADE TO BLACK

SCREEN TEXT: "Three Days later Scott Bakula died in a plane crash"

-THE END-

Monday, May 09, 2005

The End Is Near

From what I hear, the worst series ending in the history of TV is about to happen. Worse than Roseanne, remember?...it was all a book? Well, this is actually on the same idea. I'm talking about "Enterprise". Sure they had to rush the ending because it got cancelled, but my GOD! From what I heard from 2 sources "T'Pol from the Boston Herald" and "Captain Naps from Jet Magazine", rumor has it that the ending is thus: "It's all a Holodeck simulation set up by Riker and Troi". If this proves to be true, then I'll never watch Enterprise reruns...EVER AGAIN!!!!! Reports have it that Jolene Blalock (sp?) is extremely upset over the final script, she also claims that she has been a Star Trek fan for years....YEAH RIGHT! NO HOT CHICK IS A STAR TREK FAN!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Runnin' On M.T.

I don't understand Earth slang. Humans have way to many ways to describe "running quickly".

Booked It
"I lit the homeless guy ablaze, and then a friggin booked it"
Origin: I really can't figure this one out. Really I though about it for like 15 minutes and I have no clue.

Screwed
"We grabbed the blind mans cane and then we screwed outta there"
Origin: Maybe it's from the sex term "screwed". Because guys finish quickly.....Right guys?!?! Right?!?!

Flew
"I flew past that retard in the 50 meter at the Special Olympics"
Flew - Fly like a bird...i guess.

Hauled Ass
"After the car accident, I hauled ass out of there.
Origin - I'm bored with this already.

Mowin'
"I was mowin' around the corner and a plowed over a little kid"
Origin - I hate this term, ... as in mowing a lawn?

Barrel Assing
"This dude came barrel assing down the street on his bike, and I clothes-lined him.
Origin - Barrels and Asses....?!?!

Chuggin'
"The Nazi's came chuggin' across Germany and ran into a Pole"
Origin - I determined that this comes from the sound of a train.

This post sounded like a good idea, but it really annoyed me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

George Orsmell

Finally! What i've always wanted! ......George Orwells "1984" the Opera! Remember that interesting and well written propaganda piece "1984" by George Orwell? Well picture it as an Opera! Interested?!?! Me neither. It was a decent book though, i'll admit that. But seriously Orwell was WAY off about 1984. Here's a comparison of Orwells nightmarish 1984 and the actual year of 1984.



ORWELL's 1984:

Ministries of Oceania - Control Peace, Penty, Love and Truth

The Party - WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Newspeak - politicians' language

Thought Police - control not only the speech and actions, but also the thoughts of its subjects

Room 101 - torture chamber in which a prisoner is subjected to his worst nightmare.

Big Brother - oppressive control over individuals

doublethink - misuse of language, and the deliberate self-deception

ACTUAL 1984:

"Where's the Beef?"

Michael Jackson's scalp is seriously burned by pyrotechnics during filming of a Pepsi commercial.

President Reagan calls for an international ban on chemical weapons.

Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in "Penthouse" magazine.

Band Aid

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock, Ghostbusters, The Terminator, Back to the Future, Dune, Indiana Jones

Metallica released Ride the Lightning, Prince released Purple Rain.

Highway to Heaven debuts on NBC, The Cosby Show debuts on NBC, Who's The Boss debuts on ABC, Miami Vice debuts on NBC, Murder, She Wrote debuts on CBS.

Births- Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore

....and it was the name of my favorite Van Halen album .... "Might as well JUMP!!!"

So see, Orwell was in idiot. Remember that interesting and well-written propaganda piece "Animal Farm". Orwell cracks me up, he wrote books speaking out against things such as propaganda....yet what he writes IS propaganda. Leave the prop writing to the Nazi's, they had that down pat. I was watching a thing on the Nazi's recently and it showed how they sent all handicapped people to the gas chambers.....and I was like SO WHAT! Who cares. We killed that stupid Terry Shiavo! Whats the difference.....man everyone is always on Hitlers case. (If I offend anyone I apologize....i know not what I do for I am an alien)

Whats wrong with Texas...first they pass a law to allow Bible class in public schools and now they want to do away with sexy cheerleader....what am I talking about you ask?? Read it HERE.

Monday, May 02, 2005

What the .....??

I actually came across someone today .... a pretty hardcore Star Trek fan mind you ... that never heard of Hitch hickers Guide to the Galaxy. This person is an 8 out of 10 on the Star Trek Nerd Scale. How does this happen? I always assumed everyone has at least heard of this book, not just sci-fi fans either.

I'm a fan of the book personally, i like comedy sci-fi/fantasy like Terry Pratchett books and The Bible. But i must say, I'm expecting this HGTTG movie to suck.

Anyway, I was just shocked that someone never heard of it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Bad Metal Album Cover Of The Week!

This is a new segment that i'm gonna do. "Bad Metal Album Cover of the week", lets see how long I keep this up.

This week our Bad Metal Album Cover is Overkill's Taking Over. The album itself actually isn't too bad...it's like a rock opera or something. Here's some lyrics straight from the album..

"We'll wreck your neck!
Wreckin' crew!
Your wrecked!
Ah! Wreckin' crew!
Wreck! Wreck!
...

Just to put in perspective what we're dealing with here.
Anyway, is there anything tougher than 4 dudes with feathered hair and M16's? I think not. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, four guys with ass-tight jeans, vests and perms aren't "Taking Over" shit. M16's or not....it just ain't happening. Two interesting side notes.

A) The drummer on this album lists his name as Rat Skates. I mean is that a pun or something? Is it meant to be tough? A skating rat...thats um...real tough.

B) I actually stole this tape from a local music store when I was in 7th Grade.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Buster

This weekend I rented the entire North and South 80's Mini-Series. I even told Captain Naps that I was "busy" and couldn't hang out. That was some good viewing i must say, what happened to Patrick Swayze? Other notible appearances in N&S are a very young Johnathan Frakes and a very cool Johnny Cash....

Now let me tell you about a really good show. If anyone has ever watched "Postcards from Buster" on PBS Kids they know what i'm talking about....it's captivating. Seriously, it's really good. I'm not sure if being hooked on a kids show is really disturbing or really sensitive? Either way i'm depressed about it.

"Postcards from Buster" is a spin-off from the PBS show "Arthur" and the plot is this: Buster (who's parents are divorced) travels the country with his father Bo and they meet interesting people from all over the country. At first I thought Bo kidnapped Buster and they were on the run, but thats not the case. Bo is a pilot that has been flying a rock group to their gigs across America and Buster is along for the ride. Whats cool is that when they meet up with "real" people the show switches from cartoon to live-action shot from the point of view through Busters video camera. I like this show because you get to see how people live in places like Jacksons Hole, Wyoming. And seeing how I never leave home, this is the only way I'll ever get to see the country. Thank you Buster......Thank You.

For More info = http://pbskids.org/buster/

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mugato's Theme

I actuall wrote this awhile ago and well....did you ever write something and then read it over and go "wow, i'm really depressed that I just wrote that"??? Well thats Mugato's Theme. I'm actually embarressed by this. Here's it goes....it's a parody of Mr. Roboto.
Mr. Mugato

Domo arigato, Mr. Mugato,
Uhura, Sulu, Haliian
Domo arigato, Mr. Mugato,
Uhura, Sulu,
Haliian
You're wondering who I am, Man or Ape
With parts made on Neural, You can call me a Mape

I've got a secret I've been reading celebrity skin
I learned about humans, Maxim and F.H.M.
So you see i'm from the future, but i can still talk to you.
Because i live light years away, Thus my present is your future
Figure it out yourself-Figure it out yourself
I'm not gonna explain that so Figure it out yourself

I am a prick, with no emotions and Gorn he likes to sing.
I've come to laugh at all your problems, with my buddy Mr. Singh
I'm not a hero, I'm not a saviour, Earth's future i do know
I'm just a mape, with a remote control.
a remote control-
a remote control
I actually watched Celebrity Mole!

I get modern tv waves, I laughed at The Mask
Not the one with Jim carey, the one with Eric Stoltz

Domo arigato, Mr. Mugato, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Mugato, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Mugato, domo...domo
Thank you very much, Mr. Mugato
For doing the girls that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Mugato
For serving me drinks just when I want you to.
Thank you-thank you, thank you
I want to Fuck you, please, Fuck you!!

The problem's plain to see: too much technology
Now I can watch Thunder In Paradise and that 80's
series V.

The time has come at last
For me and Captain Naps
To watch some Rachel Ray.
I feel so friggin gay!!
I'm Kirok! I'm Kirok! I'm Kirok! I'm Kirok!

KIROK AND ROLL MUTHA-F'ers!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Ugly Actress List

Rules: Under 40 years old. In movies. Relevent within the last 5 years.
Disclaimer: If given the opportunity, I would still have sex with all of these women.



10. Drew Barrymore - She was hot in E.T. but now her face seems to be caving in.







9. Rose McGowan - She has a man leg.









8. Amanda Peet - Was it a coincedance that she was in Coyote Ugly? I think not. Saying that she's coyote ugly is actually an insult to the coyote.






7. Uma Thurman - Uma is a scrawny mess. I must say that given the opportunity i'd have sex with her comatose body....ala Kill Bill V1.







6. Sarah Michelle Gellar - Sorry but, I just don't find Frankenstein eyebrows hot.







5. Tara Reid - She's not hot, her face is lumpy and she got bad tits.







4. Jennifer Love Hewitt - She's the female French Stewart.







3. Debra Messing - She wasn't just beaten with the ugly stick....she was beaten with a hammer.






2. Mena Suvari - Remember the hot chick that looked like she had down-syndrome in American Beauty?




1. Hilary Swank - Good lord! By far the ugliest chick in Hollywood. If Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler had sex (and i'm sure they have) and somehow they had a kid.....it would totally look like Hilary Swank. It's ironic that she's too ugly for Swank Magazine.




Just missed the cut: Minnie Driver and Chloe Sevigny. I think Amanda Peet should drop to 5 actually.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

School Is For Losers

I got a water called 02GO and on the bottle it says "Up to 5 Times More Oxygen". Is that even possible? Even if it is, how does that affect me? Anyway, what this is leading up to is that School is for losers. I'm better off than most people that went to college, thats sad. I know Electrical Engineer majors that work in mail rooms, University of Miami grads that are car salesmen and one loser that delivers mail. I learned ZERO from Junior/High School (i'll give Elementary school some credit for math and reading, although my spelling/grammar is so bad). But for the most part everything I learned has been from TV and books. TV is the best teacher in the world, especially with all the specialty stations like the History Channel and Discovery. My advice to kids would be this: Don't bother going to high school, unless your going to be a doctor or lawyer. Other than that, just get your GED...read, watch TV, go on the internet - you can learn anything you want by doing these things, you don't need school. Most teachers talk outta they ass (<-- Ebonix), I new more than all of my history teachers combined, and thats not saying much. It's tough to find good teachers that make kids interested in learning, i've had two...my High School Physics teacher and my one year of college Geography teacher. So in closing, School Is a Waste of Time AND Money.

PS: Is it really necessary to remake Amityville Horror?

Monday, April 04, 2005

I Hate New York

There's this movement afoot sent about by annoying hippies, it invlolves having the Red Sox and Yankees shake hands before games. Also they want to bridge the gap between Yankee fan and Red Sox fan relations. Evidently it's a bad influence to kids. Fuck You. Who cares, there's nothing greater than sitting at Fenway with a trashed shirtless dude on one side yelling "Jeter sucks A-Rod!" and a 5yr old on the other side yelling "Yankees Suck!" .... it's like a dream, a wonderful dream......anyway, Yankees Suck! Sure they kicked the Sox ass last night, but so what....we came back from 0-3 in the playoffs, something that has never been done before. And none of the Sox did steroids, unlike at least 2 Yankees did. They play hava nagila during the Yankees games for God's sake!!! Also Frank Sinatra friggin' sucked....he just talked and he never actually sang!!!!

You know, it's not that I really like baseball that much, it's more that I really Hate New York. I hate the state, the city and (almost) everyone that was ever from there......with the exception of The Ramones, The Three Stooges and Millard Fillmore "The Last of the Whigs". I hate that retarded accent, i mean cumon, people with bad accents are retards....um yeah. I hate everyone on the Yankees......i wish the team was in the World Trade Center....sorry but, I really would have liked that. I contemplated making a t-shirt that showed Bin Laden and above it it says Boston Wins! Hey, I'm an asshole, what can I say. They may have numerous World Series rings, but we still have The Hancock building! See that's how muh I hate New Yorkers, i'd stoop this low. Here's 10 new yorkers I hate (other than the Yankees)...

10. Bill O'Rielly (get over yourself!)
9. Joan Baez (annoying and winey)
8. Rosie O'Donnell (annoying and winey)
7. Woody Allen (annoying and winey)
6. FDR (most overrated president)
5. Paul Reiser (annoying and winey)
4. Barbara Streisand (annoying and winey)
3. Richard Dryfuss (annoying and winey, shoulda been on my actors I hate list)
2. Al Franken (annoying and winey)
1. Billy Crystal (annoying and winey)

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Actors I Hate

Here's a list of actors that I hate. I almost forgot how much I hate Billy Zane, until a certain someone reminded me!

10. Adam Sandler
I don't really hate him. It's just that he's very annoying and most of his movies are crap...as is his SNL career. But I guess I did laugh at some of his CD's from like 10 years ago.

9. John Travolta
He erks me a bit. Sure he can dance and he had his moments (Saturday Night Fever, Face/Off), but he's ugly. That's it....he really can't act and he's ugly.

8. Keanu Reaves
Can he NOT act like a surfer? Bill and Ted was genious, no doubt, but seriously dude can you even act? Or do you just act like yourself...a dumb surfer. Who woulda thought that Bill would grow up to be a Cop trying to stop a bus with a bomb on it and then get stuck in a Matrix. First off, I HATE surfers, so I must hate Keanu....it's law.

7. John Leguizamo
He has insane teeth, and he was never funny. He's also a shity actor. Remember Summer of Sam? That movie sucked. A movie about the Son of Sam killer...in which the Son of Sam killer was the seconday plot?!?! John had a good sex scene though...in the car...REMEMBER!?! I was going to put Paul Riser in this spot, but he's not really a celebrity.

6. Vin Deisel
Worst action star ever. Stallone can't act or talk, but he wrote the Rocky and Rambo 1 scripts, Vin probebly can't even write his name. Schwartzenager is a good action star AND he's a governor. The Rock surpised me and i think he's really talented. Vin is a fool, he sucked in every movie he was ever in, I laughed through Pitch Black because he was so bad.

5. Tim Robbins
I really hate this guy, he's an arrogant prick. He was marginally good in Bull Durham and that's it. He's a dick and he's too damn opinionated.

4. Wesley Snipes
I'm sorry everyone, but I really think he stinks. He should stick to Willie Mays Hayes roles. He's right up there with overrated black guys in Hollywood such as Lawrence Fishburne and Spike Lee. Also he was in the most racist movie ever "White Men Can't Jump" ..... what if I made a movie called "Black Men Can't Read"??? You know who is better than Snipes....Mos Def...yes MOS DEF. Check out "Something the Lord Made", Mos Def was shockingly good.

3. Billy Crystal
He's so friggin winey. I'm sure at some time he was funny, certainly not in movies. He benifiited from a few good scripts like: Analyze This, Throw Mama... and City Slickers. ......let me just cut to the chase and say it..."He's to Jewy for me"

2. Sean Penn
God this guy is so horrid. He tries so hard to be an action star, he's either some kind of cop or soldier in every movie. Come on now, he's a scrawny little shit...he ain't scaring no one. He's a hard ass. He needs to stop riding Tim Robbins......take that anyway you want. He was good when he played himself in "I Am Sam".

1. Billy Zane
What the fuck did this dude ever do?!?! Oh yeah he played himself in Titanic...he wasn't even acting. He's an arrogant, stuck up, hard ass, prick face, dick head, asshole......prick face. Looking at his prick face makes want to smash him with a hammer. I don't get why everyone likes him.......he's a prick face. The only good role he had was a voice over in the straight-to-video Pocahontas II.

On a sad note the great comedian Mitch Hedberg is dead at the age of 39.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

More coffe talk

I find it odd that at Barnes and Noble people can take books from the store and read them in the cafe. What if you spill coffee on the book....you just put it back? What if everyone started spilling crap on the books and put them back? Then no one would buy the books.....plus if you could sit there and read it then why would you buy it? Is there a time limit in the cafe? Could I sit there all day and read as long as I kept drinking coffee? I don't know because i'm intimidated by that cafe. The people seem so snobby and i'm out of place...thats why I stick to Dunkin Donuts at least the people there are as classless and gross as I am. And I know that I can sit in there all day and read because I doubt that 17 year old hispanic girl that doesn't speak much English is going to tell me otherwise. Starbucks workers treat me like shit, which I find amusing I guess. Like when I accidently ask for a medium and they correct me "it's called a grande". "...oh really? you want to see a grande?!??! look at this you bitch! .....well...um...it's a bit cold in here...but you get the idea." I wish Starbucks coffee wasn't so damn delicious. But they can't hold a candle to Dunkin's sandwiches (Steak, Mushroom and Swiss on a Bagel or Bacon, Egg and Chesse on a Crouissant). Didn't I already write about this? Whatever.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Vegetables are Yummy

Does anyone really care about Terri Shiavo? I know I sure don't. Now I don't know a damn thing about the legal aspects or the religious argument, all I know is that I hate this lady. I'm forced to see her all day....on the net, on TV, in the paper, in magazines....what the fuck! She's friggin hideous! I'm sorry...but she's gross. I dry-heave when I look at her. I was watching yet another TV show that i'm not to proud of watching called "Starting Over" and they break in with Terri Shiavo news?!?! How dare you!!! I want this women to die because she's making my life inconvenient.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Indians and Irish

St. Patricks Day just past. What a waste of a day....you don't even get the day off. What's the big deal anyway, especially for non Irish people. Let me get this straight now .... you dedicate a day to eating corned-beef and cabbage and getting drunk. You can do this anyday! Irish food is such sub-standard too, wouldn't you rather have T-Bone and Garlic Mashed with anything other than a Guiness. Don't get me wrong i'll eat the Irish food and I dig Guiness but really it's a dumb day. Now the one thing I must admit that I LOVE about the Irish culture is the music. Traditional Irish music fucking rules. Think of all the traditional music from other countries. France?, Italy?, Africa?, Luxemborg? ..... Irish music is cool stuff, ever heard Finnegan's Wake done by the Clancy Brothers???? HUH!!!! I secretly hate Irish people.

So anyone hear about that school shooting on the Indian Reservation in Bemidji Minnesota? Bemidji State is one of my favorite college football teams....GOOOOOO BEAVERS!. Anyway, some kid killed 9 people. I can't believe it, i really can't believe it. The fact that there are still Indian Reservations...i had no idea, I can't believe this, i really can't believe it. What are there like 20 Indians left in the country ...wait (20 - 9 = 11) .... What are there like 11 Indians left in the country? Who cares anyway. By the way, I'm not racist because I hate everybody equally.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Footloose

The movie Footloose was on last night. Man what a retarded plot. A town that has outlawed dancing!!! Say it ain't so!!! I guess dancing was cool in the 80's ... let me re-phrase that ... I guess white people dancing was cool in 80's but now, it's pretty fruity. Footloose fell into the whole dace-movie hype, along with Dirty Dancing and Last Tango In Paris. Anyway, my point is not that Footloose was really queer, my point is that John Lithgow is a damn fine actor. He's extremely versatile. From Twilight Zone the Movie "there's someone on the wing!", to Footloose "No Dancing", to The Adventures of Backaroo Bonzai across the 8th Dimension "um....", to The Pelican Brief, to Raising Cain, to Cliffhanger to Shrek to Third Rock from The Sun. Tell me he sucks, go ahead I dare you! He's better than Keanu Reaves i'll tell you that much. .....need I say more? Good, because I ran out of crap to say anyway.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Russell the Love Muscle

This is funny shit. And proves what a pompous ass Russell Crowe is. He claims that al-Qaida planned to kidnap him in order to shock the world. .............hahahahahaahaa. I'm sorry Russell but.... hahahahahahahaha. You're a dick, and your band sucks. Is this how it went down?


Bin Laden: Thank you all for attending our weekly meeting. Refreshments are in the back, The Bagels are courtesy of Murray Lender from Lenders Bagels ........ JUST KIDDING! HAHAHA. Anyway, I have a great plan to shock the world. We will kidnap Russell Crowe!!

Muhammed: ...who?

Bin Laden: Maybe you didn't hear me .... i said Russell Crowe!

Akbar: ....isn't he doing Kid Rock?.

Bin Laden: No thats Sheryl Crowe you idiot. He was in that classic Australian skinhead movie Romper Stomper?

Muhammed: ......wasn't that Ed Norton?

Bin Laden: ...from the Honeymooners? Oh no, that was American History X dude.

Muhammed: Oh yeah ... that was a great sex scene in that movie.

Bin Laden: Oh, when Derek has sex with Stacey?

Muhammed: ....um.....ye...yeah yeah .... that's um the one.

Bin Laden: ......not the jail scene right?

Muhammed: um......of course not. Anyway, who's this Crowe guy again.

Bin Laden: Jesus Christ man, Gladiator?, Master and Commander?

Depp: ....you mean the guy from the 1991 movie Proof?

Bin Laden: YEAH HIM!

Muhammed: Would anyone even care?

Bin Laden: .......i guess no one really would.

Muhammed: Say Jasper what comes after 75?

Bin Laden: 76

Muhammed: Thats the spirit.

Well that went on way too long. Read the article here

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

PEOPLE SUCK

That picture has nothing to do with this, but I laughed my ass off at it, Ron Jeremy as Super Mario i love it. Anyway this isn't meant to be pro-Bush or anti-Bush...it's just an observation of how stupid our voting public is. This is a conversation I overheard between three people on the train. Here's some memorable quotes.

Woman A: "Bush Don't Know Nothing" (Who don't know nothing?), "He sounds like he's from California or something (um...it's...Texas actually)", "I think Al Gore would have stopped Sadaam Hussein from driving the plane into the World Trade Center" (WHAT!)

Woman B: "I don't know how he beat Jim Kerry" (yeah he was good in Ace Ventura), "He's no Clinton, i mean, at least Clinton had some morals" (....come on now, we all now what happened)

Man: "I hate him because he's intolerant twards certain people" (I found this funny, a hateful anti-intolerance statemant? Intolerance = unwillingness to recognize and respect differences in opinions or beliefs. The statement itself is intolerant!)

This one takes the cake..

Man: "When I messed up my back under Clinton (no pun intended) my disability was twice as much as it is now" (OK so this may be true.....but did he really have to say this just before LEAVING THE TRAIN CARRYING A FRIGGIN' HUGE BAG OF ROCK SALT!)

So in conclusion ...
people that voted for Bush are retards
people that didn't vote for Bush are retards
everyone on this planet is friggin retarded!!

PS: I watched Blind Justice....it's basically Daredevil without Daredevil, just Matt Murdock. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't exactly the worst either. We'll see (GET IT!)

Monday, March 07, 2005

BlockBuster Online

Let me tell you, Blockbuster Online is the best thing ever. I guess Netflix is good too, but i'm sticking with the big business. I just don't trust Netflix. In any case, the idea is great. I never have to leave home! Thats not really a good thing, but whatever. It's cheap, 3 DVDs at a time unlimated times per month for 15.00. The turn around is no more than 2 days usually. How else could I watch within the course of 3 days...The Forgotten, The Excorcist: The Beginning, ans season 3 of Three's Company.. Wow, my life sucks! The sad thing is that there's a blockbuster down the street....thats how friggin lazy i am. Blockbuster has pretty much anything you want too, except I was saddened that they didn't have Devil's Backbone.....yet they have Ringu (The Ring Japanese Version).

Friday, March 04, 2005

Could Tony Blair have been a rock star?

I came across this article on Yahoo News. Evidently Tony Blair was in a pretty serious band back in the ... 80's?? I have no idea how old he is. But look at him...he's so damn happy. I'm sure he really rocked...seriously right? He seems like a real rocking guy....i'm of course being sarcastic. What type of mysic did he play? I picture like "Men Without Hats" or something. Or the band that did Safety Dance. English guys always look real gay though huh? The bands name was "Ugly Rumours", but I think the "Gay Overtones" would be more like it. Or maybe "Tony and the Blair Witches". Or maybe "Men Without Genitalia" Me, Captain Naps and Gorn have a band called "Domo Arigato and the Mr Mugato's" ... i hate myself.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

OSCARs

Does anyone really care about the Oscars? Isn't Hilary Swank ugly as shit? I have no reason to see that stupid female boxing movie...now a foxy boxing movie maybe ... but not this crap. PS: She fuckin dies. Someone ruined it for me so i'll ruin it for you. I really dont care. The Aviator was a good flick and that shoulda won everything. Now Ray was also very good, but i'm getting sick of Jamie Fox crying about his grandmother. Who's close to thier friggin grandmother anyway?? Jamie Fox probably doesn't even visit his family, that phony prick. Who's Oscar? Oscar Shindler maybe!!!!! Nuff said..

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Mythbusters

As you have become aware, i watch too much TV. So here's yet another brilliant show. Mythbusters is the shiz, I like the older episodes better though ... before they got all those people to help them. When it was Just Jamie and Adam building everything it was entertaining I think. Jamie wears a berrett (or however you spell it) and has a mustache that went out of style in the Dark ages, while Adam is really funny and really annoying, but really smart. Whats the plot? They bust myths using SCIENCE!!!! My favorite episodes are the ones when they destroy the test dummy, or the one where they get drunk and try to beat a breathalizer. It's a kick ass show, check out some more info here : MYTHBUSTERS

Can someone explain Where and Were to me ... I seriously don't know when to use what?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

WORMS

Sorry it's been so long. I had a Backdoor Virus. Seriously I did. My work computer got one. It was unprotected and it got a backdoor virus. People that write these things suck huh? I'm sure I could make one if I really cared to, but i don't. I used to make cheesy viruses in GW Basic for christsakes, only for kicks though! But why fuck with someone when you can't even see thier face? Thats the best part, when the computer goes blue or freezes up and they're all like..."What the fuck??" Thats funny!! Except when it's you, then it sucks.....and especially when it's you at work and you bring the whole network down, then it sucks....and you almost get fired, then it sucks....OK so I guess it is kinda funny. Looking back I regret nothing....and I'll do it again. Fuck working! FUCK IT!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

House

Man that show "House" is good. Hugh Laurie is the man as Dr. Gregory House, .....you know Hugh Laurie, from those Stewart Little movies and from Blackadder. He's a damn good actor, this role is the polar opposite of Mr. Little, he's got some range. Dr. House is such a dick, i love it. I like people that are sarcastic assholes....you know those people that everyone hates...well i like them. Like that high school teacher that treated everyone like shit?....that was most likely my favorite teracher. What i'm trying to say is that, this is why House is the best show on TV and why Dr. House is the best character on TV. Just watch the damn show and see what I mean.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I wanna be a Star Trek Paperback Writer....PAPERBACK WRITER!

In case anyone is ever compelled to write a Star Trek novel here is the official guidlines. They are really strict about this shit. I wrote a Classic Star Trek script in high school....in retrospect that was a really dumb idea.

1.) Any story primarily about a guest star or non-STAR TREK regular. This means no stories about other crews, ships, or guest characters that become the focus of the story. The novels should always "star" Kirk, Picard, Sisko et al. Paramount Pictures feels very strongly that STAR TREK stories should primarily be about the STAR TREK characters, who must be the major problem solvers in any STAR TREK novel. (So for instance if you want to write a book about something stupid like a Mugato opening a bar...you can't)

2.) Death of an established crewmember or character, or any other permanent change in the STAR TREK characters, settings, or universe, such as introducing offspring or close relations of the characters other than those already in existence. Also no childhood or current sweethearts, although you can create temporary love interests. As with all series, the status quo must be restored at the end. (So you can't kill off Wesley Crusher)

3.) Any plot that hinges on or describes in detail sexual relations of any kind, especially between humans and aliens. We are not interested in books that suggest anything other than friendship among any of the Enterprise crewmembers. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Spock)

4.) No mixing of casts is allowed, which means no plots that mix the characters from one series with another. While we do intend to occasionally cross over between series this will always be handled very carefully in-house. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Picard)

5.) Traveling in time to change history or learn something, rescue someone, etc. Also, we are currently overstocked on alternate universe storylines. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Earnest Hemmingway in an alternate universe where ancient Rome never fell)

6.) For DEEP SPACE NINE and VOYAGER, the books should stay current with the programs. NEXT GENERATION should, for the moment, be set between the end of the series and STAR TREK: GENERATIONS, the first movie with the NEXT GENERATION cast. (whatever)

7.) No stories that turn out to have been a dream, a hoax, or a virtual reality sequence. We are also avoiding novels that start out with an action-packed opening that turns out to be taking place on the holodeck. (THAT WAS EVERY NEXT GEN EPISODE!!)

8.) No "test" stories, i.e. stories where the Enterprise is tested by god-like beings studying humanity or judging our worth. (...so no Q?)

9.) Avoid trying to definitively map out a character's history beyond what has already been done in the movies or television episodes. When we do biographical books, we work very closely with Paramount and the writer. As a general rule, the best chance for a STAR TREK submission by a first-time STAR TREK writer is to submit a "traditional" STAR TREK mission story that follows the Problem on Planet/Problem on Ship (or Station) formula. If you've been reading the novels, you know that we do take some chances and publish books that push the boundaries somewhat, but be advised that we approach these stories very carefully, working closely with experienced STAR TREK writers and Paramount Pictures. (Who really cares?)

10.) Do not introduce any levels of technology beyond what has been established in the television shows. (There goes my book where Picard takes Space Viagera)

Monday, February 14, 2005

Fine Living

I don't know if every cable company carries the Fine Living channell, but they should. While 98% of the shows on Fine Living are crap, there is three excellent shows that I've been watching for awhile now that everyone should know about.

NapaStyle - Host Michael Chiarello is a pretty cool guy, he's real laid back. The premise of the show is that Napa Valley is better than anywhere else in the world. It's friggin California dude, It's not that great. Thats what I originally thought! But after watching this show, i'm now convinced that Napa is a different planet. Everything is weird about it....he cooks weird, he acts weird, he broke apart an old barrell and used a piece of wood as an orderve tray??? He does this 60 second rant thing, and he gets all worked up over stuff like Parmesian Cheese. I'm glad Michael recently got a show on Food Network, it's called Entertaining Easy (?) and I like it, he goes to peoples homes and helps them throw parties.....um...yeah. The next episode of NapaStyle is titled "Olive Oil Harvest Party".....man thats gay.

Ming's Quest - I'm a big fan of Ming Tsai. He's a great chef and a likeable dude. I really miss his Food Network show "East Meets West", his style is pretty cool - he takes dishes from anywhere in the world and gooks-it-up. His resteraunt Blue Ginger is in Wellesley Massachusetts in case you are wondering... On Ming's Quest Mr. Tsai travels around to different places and takes a local ingrediant and well....cooks with it. He also gets down with the locals, which is the best part. Like when he rode an ostrich...hahaha...or have you ever seen a chinaman ice fish! Or when the Italian guy gave him rotten grapes and then laughed when Ming almost puked....i'm actually not sure if this was a dream or if I really saw this. Good stuff.

Thirsty Traveler - Kevin Brauch is the Thirsty Traveler. This show rules, Kevin travels the globe seeking small towns where brewing up alcohol is a staple (such Sake in Japan, Mestizo in Mexico, Rum in Jamaica, Ouzo in Greece, Vodka in Russia). He latches on to a local family and learns about cuisines, customs and of course the making of the alcohol. The best part is when he gets hammered. He can never keep up with the locals who drink this stuff daily. At the end of the show he usually gives a little wrap up speech, he's always so lit, it's funny. My favorite episode was when some Mexican gave him a big glass of liquor to drink and he chugs it and says "Wow...what is this?" and the Mexican says "It's 98% proof...thats what it is" ..... gross....this may have also been a dream. An added bonus is that every local family seems to have a hot daughter in it....i always assume Kevin bangs her. This guy is now a commentator on Iron Chef America....which is just as bad as the Jap one.

Everyone loves NapaStyle here at Mugato Bar, I put it on the big screen. Gorn can't wait for the "Olive Oil Harvest Party"...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I Will Bore You !!!

Honestly, this has to be said, Marxist Communism was actually a good idea. A society with no state, no private property and no social classes....whats so wrong with that? Everyone is on the same playing field, all property is owned by the community as a whole, and all people enjoy equal social and economic status. "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I'm not saying that it would work, because clearly it wouldn't. I mean why would you want to be a doctor when you get paid pretty much the same as a trash man. There is no way you could control the economy.

The basic premise of Marxism is this, throughout history we have seen social situations give way to new ones mostly through uprisings and class struggle. Such as the slave-based system of the ancient world gave way to feudalsim which eventually gave way to capitalism, now Marx beleived that the next step would be an overturning of a capitalistic society by a socialist society and then a gradual fall into Communism or a one class system - which he believed was a good thing.

Unfortunetly Communism got a bad rap by the 20th century dictators. Most of these "communist states" never really made the transition from socialism to communism. This is pretty much the fault of Joseph Stalin and Stalinism who pretty much got his methods from the ideas of Lenin.

Here's where Communism really got crazy, although Vladimir Lenin agreed on the idea of communism he really didn't like Marx and his methods. While Marx thought that society would gradually move from Socialism into Communism, Lenin thought that Socialism could only be overthtrown by a revolution under the strong arm of a Communist Party. As the 1900's approached some communist countries had already been socialistic, but the rest of the world never turned from Capitalism in Socialism as Marx predicted. Now Leninism turns it's eye to the world with it's plan for world revolution. Force was now needed throughout the world in order to begin the process of overthrowing those countries still using capitalism and to move them towards socialism, with the final aim of reaching communism. From this idea was born the brutal hand of Joseph Stalin who thrust the world into the beginning of the Cold War.

If they only stuck with the original idea of Marxism then all that crap would have been avoided, Communism still would have failed, but it wouldn't have affected the rest of the world. So what am I saying? Don't knock Marx, he had a good idea, look at the Amish....they are true communists. And they are...um...cool??? I guess. Whatever...i just hate being low-class. I want an even playing field.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

MUZIK WITH KHAN

Hey pricks, it's me your musical genious Khan. This is one of my all-time favorite bands. They are from Norway, yes Norway, that great source of popular music. They are called TURBONEGRO and they are the rockingist band ever! Straight up Alice Cooper meets Iggy Pop meets the Ramones meets The Rolling Stones....but better. You really have to be comfortable with your sexuality though, because some of the lyrics are pretty gay...which is hilarious! I of course have nothing to worry about, I have sex with billions of sexy females. There is question of wheather Turbonegro is gay or not, some say yes and some say it's all in the act. Personally, I believe its an act. The best part is the lyrics, they are friggin classic. You may think that they are a big joke, but they're not. These guys are dead serious. They have influenced bands like the Foo Fighters and Queens of the Stone Age and they had a cameo on Viva La Bam (which I never actually watch). I wanted a Turbenegro shirt but I didnt have the balls, so I got one that said Turbojugend or Turbo Youth....um yeah. I could write about these dudes all day long, but i'll just give a little discography..

Major Albums

1. Hot Cars and Spent Contraceptives/Helter Skelter 1992-93 B+ (Good early rock/hardcore)
Best Songs - Librium Love, Suburban Antichrist, Armed and Fairly Well Equipt, Manimal
Best Lyric - "You are my private Vietnam" - Armed and Fairly Well Equipt

2. Never is Forever 1994 B- (Tried the grunge thing, not the best idea)
Best Songs - Suburban Princess Death Song, Ubermensch, Pain in the Arsch Pocket Full of Cash
Best Lyric - "I took it up the arsch for a small amount of cash, Now I've started loosing weight and I don't feel too great" - Pain in the Arsch Pocket Full of Cash

3. Ass Cobra 1996 A (Rude, ridiculous, punky and friggin great)
Best Songs - Midnight NAMBLA, Denim Demon, I Got Erection
Best Lyric - "Shaking hands with Morrisey, IT'S DEATHTIME!" - Deathtime

4. Apocalypse Dudes 1998 A+++ (Best rock album of the last 20 years)
Best Songs - Selfdestructo Bust, Rendevous With Anus, Prince of the Rodeo, Good Head
Best Lyric - "Mutha-fuckin' Pizza Pie!!" - Age of Pamparius

5. Scandanavian Leather 2003 B (Singer Hank emerged from a short stay in a mental hospital and made one weird ass depressing album)
Best Songs - Wipe it till it Bleeds, Turbonegro Must be Destroyed, Train of Flesh, D.I.B.
Best Lyric - "Gimme just a minute, while I fuck the world" - FTW

Here's some lyrics...after reading these MASTERPIECE's you are guarenteed to love this band!

"I Got Erection" - from Ass Cobra

Everytime I walk down the street - Erection -
When I see a woman that I'd like to beat - Erection -
When I think of blood I think of love - Erection -
When I think of blood I think of love - Erection -
Oh, I got Erection Oh, I got Erection Oh, I got Erection Oh, I got Erection
When I set a house on fire - Erection -
Once a liver, now she's a dier - Erection -
When I dig a hole in the ground - Erection -
When I hear that hard rock sound - Erection -
Oh, I got Erection -

"Prince of the Rodeo" - from Apocalypse Dudes

Hi-ridin' daddy-o -
Spur-hump hey-ho let's go -
Fornicator of the lasso -
Sperminator of the asshole -
Prince of the rodeo -
Shoot the chute -Pull the flute -I'm back in the saddle -The world's most promising cowboy -
Lo-ridin' daddy-o -
Sexy denim romeo -
Rhinestone homo rock-n-roll -
Buns of steel Geronimo -
Prince of the rodeo -
Jerk that calf -Half-n-half -I'm back in the saddle -The world's most progressive cowboy -
And don't forget the clown!!!!!!!
I'm ridin' high, I'm ridin' low -
Prince of the rodeo -

"Drenched In Blood" - from Scandanavian Leather

(sounds like a surf song)
It's a tidal wave -A tidal wave -It's a tsunami of Blood !!! -
Blood in your nose -Blood in your eyes -
Blood in your mouth -Blood in your face -Blood every day -
Blood in your hair -Blood everywhere -
Blood on the scene -Blood where you've seen -Much more blood that you ever have seen -
When your eye's all crazy -And your minds all hazy -Drenched in blood again -
When you're drowning in blood, like a rat in a flood now -You're drenched in blood again -
When it's raining form the sky and you know you're -Gonna die, now -Drenched in blood again -And again -
Blood on your feet -Blood on your meat -Blood in your seat -
Blood on your lens -On your Mercedes-Benz -
Blood on your back -Blood in your sac -
Blood in your crack -Blood in your tracks -Much more blood than you could ever pay back -
When your eye's all crazy -And your minds all hazy -Drenched in blood again -
When you're drowning in blood, like a rat in a flood now -You're drenched in blood again -
When it's raining form the sky and you know you're -Gonna die, now -Drenched in blood again -And again -

Thats it. See, a lyrical genious, better than John Mayer. I expect zero comments on this.


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Sailing?

Some lady sailed solo around the world. Big fucking deal. What a waste of time. Who cares about the ocean anymore, I think the human race pretty much settled the sailing thing about a thousand years ago. Here's a few names for you: Drake, Columbus, Polo, Magellan, and Erickson. Nevermind the countless ancient civilizations that mastered water travel. So what about this Ellen MacArthur? She's nothing. She's a no one. She sucks! Check out the headline: Solo Sailor MacArthur Given Hero's Welcome Home ..... A friggin hero? You gotta be kidding me. I guess I shouldn't talk because I can't even swim, but she ain't no hero. Do you call a women a Sailor or a Sailorette? Would you call a women in the navy a Seaman or a Seawoman?

Monday, February 07, 2005

Boogeyman Nights

I really hope that "Boogeyman" and/or "Hide and Seek" are good movies. I'm tired of ghost movies sucking, not horror movies, but specifically ghost movies. Gothika sucked, White Noise was disappointing, The Haunting sucked, I liked The Others and Stir of Echos (but most people hated them). The Sixth Sense was the only good one in the last 10 years. For some reason I have hope for Boogeyman, but i'm worried about Hide & Seek though. I sense a really bad trick ending, but Dakota Fanning is a pretty good kid actress....and she's um....nevermind. She's the modern day Haley Joel Osmond. Whats with trick endings these days, i expect them now...so it's not even a damn trick! Stop ripping off Sixth Sense!!!! If anyone sees these movies, let me know if they're any good.