Monday, December 27, 2004


I realized how much I Hate holidays, I don't want to see my family EVER. But I got the best friggin' book... Ninjutsu The Art Of Invisibility. Cuz i'm um...gonna be a Ninja??? Also i'm planning on becoming invisible. I really am! It's actually not a bad book, but why would someone buy me that? I can barely touch my toes, nevermind do Ninjutsu. Evidently though, Ninja's didn't really become invisible, they basically used magic techniques. So what i'm saying is if I was David Copperfield, i'd be a ninja. The book "David Copperfield" sucked, there was no magic in it! Actually I never read it.

Mugato Letterman's Top 10,
Things I would do If I was Invisible:
10. Find everyone I hate and punch them in the face.
9. Walk around naked.
8. Hang around in the White House
7. Kick change cups out of Homeless people's hands
6. Pull an Orthodox Jews beard.
5. Spend a day with William Shatner.
4. Spend a day with Natalie Portman.
3. Pants the Pope.
2. Terrorize train commuters like that dude on the movie Ghost. "Get Off My Train!!!"
1. Live in a Girls Sorority House.

I saw Napolean Dynomite and i didn't laugh...not because it wasn't funny, but because I related way too much to it. He looks like Captain Naps. Also that San Andreas game is so morally bad, it's a bit entertaining, but no wonder kids are violent. Whatever....i guess i really don't care. Hey, Dunkin Donuts switched thier add campaign to "Bring Yourself Back"...from "Will Take You Back".

Happy Chrimble and a Gear New Year.
(Tell me where that phrase came from and you nothing)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Mugato's Top Ten Favorite Sitcoms

Here on this planet I watch tons of TV. Here are my top 10 favorite Earth sitcoms of all time. Here was my guidelines while picking these. A) No animation or sketch. B) Had to be on at least 1 full season (or else The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfiefer would have been on there....which I never actually saw but I wish I had!), C) The show must have made me laugh on multiple occasions. Well here we go.

10. All in the Family
One word describes this show, "Groundbreaking". Only in 1971 could you get away with the politically incorrect dialogue of All in the Family. Archie Bunker was the all-time greatest racist-homophobe, i always laughed when he called Edith "Dingbat". My only gripe is that much too often the show took a serious turn, it always made me feel uncomfortable because I can't deal with real life situations, even on TV.
UPS: Racist, Sexist, Homophobic...ARCHIE!!
DOWNS: Too Serious, annoying daughter
BEST EPISODE: Archie gets black neighbors

9. Fresh Prince of Bell Aire
This show took a rather lame concept and used good writting with solid acting to make it one of the best sitcoms ever. Sure Will Smith hasn't always been the best movie actor, but let me tell you, he was excellent on TV. Love him or hate him, you can't deny he's a talented dude. The writers really developed each character very well, from Uncle Phil (James Avery) to the unforgettable Carleton (Alphonso Ribiero) this show is TIGHT!
UPS: Writing, character devolpment, Carleton dancing
DOWNS: They changed moms after the first season, that annoyed me.
BEST EPISODE: Will and Carleton become male strippers.

8. Seinfeld
The Show About Nothing. What can you say, it was a great idea, and it worked. Every episode seems to have a new character which keeps the show fresh. Larry David and Seinfeld really created something special here. How many classic guest characters can a show have??? Puddy, Newman, J. Pederman, George's Parents!! I mean come on!! Jason Alexander was also fabulous as George Costanza.
UPS: Original concepts, writting
DOWNS: Seinfelds bad acting
BEST EPISODE: Kramer hides from the cable guy.

7. Third Rock from the Sun
A suprisingly good sitcom. John Lithgow was the friggin' man on this show! He's truly one of the most underrated actors ever. I even liked Jane Curtain....and I HATE Jane Curtain! For some reason I found that sister alien Sally sexy as hell and French Stewart wasn't really all that annoying. Also William Shatner had an awesome guest appearance. I simply loved this show.
UPS: John Lithgow
DOWNS: Didn't last long enough
BEST SECONDARY CHARACTER: Wayne Knights character
BEST EPISODE: William Shatner appears as the alien Leader.

6. Roseanne
The way a family really is. Great "tell-it-like-it-is" sitcom, not sugar coated at all. I don't like Roseanne as a comedian and I don't really like her on this show, but I respect her for writing a superb comedy and her acting was rather good. "Roseanne" was serious while still being funny and witty, and come on, how can you not like Dan Conner (John Goodman).
UPS: a real family, Goodman
DOWNS: The horrible final season (which was all a dream!!)
BEST EPISODE: Roseanne PMS/Dan's Birthday episode

5. Golden Girls
I recently said that I didn't find women on TV funny. I failed to realize that I have been watching The Golden Girls every night for like 10 years now. Who the hell would have thought a show starring Betty White, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty would be funny AT ALL! Well it is, consistently for 8 seasons too! All 4 characters are classic: Rose (the dumb one), Dorothy (the witty one), Blanche (the slut) and Sofia (the fisety one). So I guess it turns out that I find old ladies hilarious.
UPS: excellent crop of actresses, rather edgey jokes for the time
DOWNS: picturing Blanche having sex
BEST EPISODE: Blanche's gay brother.

4. NewsRadio
Never a dull moment. Tons of hysterical characters, not one person lags on this show. Granted the concept has been used in WKRP in Cincinatti, but NewsRadio took the idea to a new level. It's so hard to pick a favorite character: Dave, Jimmy James, Joe, Bill, what a great show.
UPS: almost never serious...which is a good thing.
DOWNS: Phil Hartman shit the bed.
BEST EPISODE: Jimmy James pretends to circle the globe in a hot air balloon.

3. Married w/ Children
Al "Icky" Bundy. Need I say more? Alright then i will. Broke new ground in the world of sitcoms. Insane, sexist, rediculous, Married with Children pushed the limits of censorship. Ask my dad who his hero's are, he will say "Al Bundy and Homer Simpson"....seriously thats not a joke. Remember No MA'AM and Psycho Dad....hahaha...memories.
UPS: hot chicks, cutting edge comedy, cheesy in a good way
DOWNS: not many
BEST EPISODE: Al cries like the Indian in that anti-pollution commercial.

2. Three's Company
Based on the British show Man About the House....which i'm sure sucked. Why? Because that dude was no John Ritter. Great physical comedy, excellent sexual enuendo, best use of misinterpetation of situations ever. Firley rules, Jack rules, Roper rules, Janet was solid, Chrissy/Cindy/Terry were all good. I can always watch this show, anytime, anyday. It was yet another groundbreaking show for it's time and I always wanted to be Jack Tripper when I grew up.
UPS: sexual enuendo, misinterpetation of situations, controversial for the time
DOWNS: Ropers spin-off attempt
BEST EPISODE: Jack and Larry serenade a women Cyrano de Bergerac style.

1. Three Stooges
The best comedy ever. Fuck you if you disagree...FUCK YOU! They hit each other with frying pans....did you hear me?? I said FRYING PANS. FRYYYYIIIING PAAAAAANS!!! I usually hate old black and white tv shows, but come on The Three Stooges was original. You probably couldn't even do half this shit on TV anymore. Black servants, Hitler, horrible violence, sexy chicks in black and white, and one horrible Nintendo game....this show had it all. Moe, Larry and Curly were comedy geniuses.
UPDATE: It has been suggested to me that The Three Stooges was NOT a Sitcom. True, it technically wasn't, originally. But I remember it as a Comedy Show on TV, with Episodes and Not Sketch hey i'm calling that a sitcom.
UPS: violent comedy
DOWNS: Curly Joe
BEST EPISODE: Moe as Hitler

The Rest: I had a hard time keeping these out of the top 10.

The Odd Couple - best sitcom about an asshole and a closeted homosexual.
The Munsters - Herman was such a pussy.
Mr. Bean - Original concept.
King of Queens - I like Kevin James
Fawlty Towers - "Mauel!! Manuel!"! ...."Yes, Mr. Fawlty" .........hahahaha...whatever
Honeymooners - Best comedy about spousal abuse...EVER!
Red Dwarf - Don't know what they're saying half the time, but i still dig it.
The Cosby Show - Unrealistic, but I give Bill respect for creating a very entertaining show.
Newhart - "Hi, I'm Daryl...this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl" why was that funny?
Cheers - Cliff and Norm really made the show
Wings - Lots of people knock this show, but I thought it was really funny.
Get A Life - Underrated
Gary Shandling Show - Also much forgotten.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


I went to Barnes & Noble today and got some Dragonball Z books......i can officially kill myslef now, i'm buying Anime Graphic Novels...thats the lowest part of the loser chain. The funny thing is the bag that they gave me to carry the books has pictures of classic novels like The Jungle, Gone with the Wind, Of Mice and Men, The Great Gatsby and Eloise in Paris ........ wait! what was that last one again? I said "Eloise in Paris". WHY???? I'm actually offended by that, i can't explain why, but I am. For the hell of it here's what I know about these classic books.

The Jungle
Not about Africa like I expected....It's about meat packing plants...i think.

Gone With The Wind
It's about stuff. Made a better movie....At least I could masturbate to Clark what?

Of Mice and Men
Good book and a great movie. It's much better WATCHING a retard get shot than reading about it.

Great Gatsby
It was entertaining when Andy Kaufman read it....i never did, but I assume it's about a magician.

To Kill A Mockingbird
My personal favorite. If you don't already know the plot, then your an asshole. Excellent movie too, although I was dissapointed when they finally show Boo Radley. "Oh know! It's Boo Radley!! Ahhh! He's so hideous!! ....oh wait it's Fred Dryer!!"

Death Of a Salesman
One of the best underrated greats. How can it be underrated AND a great you ask? Well.......fuck you.

As you can tell i'm a moron. I hated reading until I got out of High School. Thats when I finally read all of those books that I was supposed to be reading while I was still in school. Now I read everyday, currently I'm reading a book about the Beatles...why you ask??? WELL WHY THE HELL NOT!! My favorite book of all-time is "The Elegant Universe" by Brian Greene .... not the dude from Beverly Hills 90210 silly...that was Brian Austin Green!! HAHAHAHA...your so silly. Wait, who the hell am I talking too?? Whatever. But really, it's a good book about Physics and Super-String Theory...yeeeooow!!!!! I'm gonna go kill myself now.

Monday, December 20, 2004

3 Stupid Topics

1. The Santa Speedo Run
In Boston, MA Earth...they have a race in December to benefit children with AIDS. Dudes run in 20 degree wheather wearing nothing but a speedo. Look at that, it's a gay mans dream and a straight mans nightmare. There's a few problems with this. First of the hell do children sill get AIDS. How many 5 year olds shoot heroin and have unprotected sex? Maybe they do in Haiti or something... i don't know. It's seems like kind of a phony cause. Second of all, who really wants to see dudes in speedo's run in the cold......horny women?? Is that all that women want?? Thats all I have to in a speedo? I wouldn't mind wearing the speedo, but i'm all set with running. I havn't ran in like 15 years....i havn't done much in 15 years actually. Third of all (??), I assume these guys are married....because, what single man would wear super tight underwear and run in the freezing cold wheather in front of a thousand women....."Seriously my penis is usually much bigger than half-an-inch, I swear to god."
This was the best quote from an article about "The Santa Speedo Run" ... BC: I bet beer tastes better in a Speedo. Your going to drink beer out of a speedo? How?? Thats friggin gross!! Whatever.. Why is it called "The Walk for Cancer" .... shouldn't it be "The Walk Against Cancer"??

2. I took a trip to New Hampshire, Earth this weekend. They had that beautiful "Man on the Mountain". The face of an old man naturally carved into the side of a mountain. It's on everything there, it's on the state quarters, the highway signs, on stores, on trinkets on was the big draw to NH. Well last year it FELL OFF THE FRIGGIN' MOUNTAIN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they still have the stupid image on EVERYTHING!! IT FELL RIGHT OFF THE FREAKING MOUNTAIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ......and i feel terrible about it.

3. I'm not really sexist or anything. But I really don't find women comedians funny. I've tried....maybe i really don't relate that much. But i've never laughed at a female on TV. Thats not to say that I haven't personally known a funny female. There was this fat chick in high school and i used to laugh at her all the time. Seriously, I have known regular girls that had a good sense of humor, but on TV shows and stuff....women suck. Every women comedian has the same jokes...."Hey i'm a's jokes about being a woman" .... I thought MAYBE I liked Elaine from "Seinfeld"....but it turns out that I want to strangle her. So, does anyone know any?? I'd really like to find one so I can prove that I'm not sexist.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

In the Lap of ..... a pillow?

People of Earth!!.......Your a bunch of retards!! Your planet is ravaged by disease and destruction...yet, your fine minds are busy working on THAT crap! A lap pillow for lonely Japanese men. Here's the arcticle...i will comment throughout.

'Lap Pillow' Offers Solace to Lonely Men
(The day that i'm so lonely that I buy a polyurethene lap, is the day that I blow my friggin' brains out)
One popular item for holiday shoppers is the "lap pillow," with skin-colored polyurethene calves folded under soft thighs -- a comfy cushion for napping, reading or watching television. (Skin-colored polyurethene calves?? Just what I always wanted in a women)
The 9,429 yen ($90!!!!) pillow, which comes with one red and one black skirt (for the lonely man who cares what color skirt his pillow is wearing), went on sale in late November and maker Trane Co Ltd says shipments have reached 3,000 in just a few weeks. (3,000 pathetic dudes huh...for shame)
"We created this item to help tired people relax," (I agree that masturbating IS a good way to relax) said Makoto Igarashi, Trane's managing director. (Makoto is my cousin)
Care was taken with details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. (Ok....thats disturbing)
"We thought our main customers would be men in their 20s, but even men in their 60s are buying it (Ok.....thats also disturbing)," Igarashi said.
At stores, lap pillows gather crowds where people poke and pry at the foam legs. (Ha ha ha....Japs are so funny)
"I think this may be good for single men, but it could cause trouble for someone who is married," said Shingo Shibata. (Um....yes....because a married man may somehow have sex with it?? Granted it briefly crossed my mind on the possibilities of having sex with a pillow in the shape of a womens lap...but it's just not practicle)

Man: I'm leaving you.
Wife: FOR WHO!
Man: Maria
Wife: WHO's THAT?!?!
Man: lap pillow.
Wife: .....but it has no torso!!
Man: ......ha ha ha ..... EXACTLY!

Whats wrong with Japanese men? Is it really that bad over there? They seem to have no shame at all, I would be totally ashamed to own that. To have it as a joke is one thing, but it doesn't seem to be a joke to these dudes. How do you explain it to like your parents or something?

Dad: "Whats this son?
Guy: thats my pillow?
Dad: ....hmm it's kinda disturbing, what does it feel like?
Guy: DON'T!
Dad: oooh its all wet.
Guy: drool.

Whatever....all i'm saying is that this invention is PATHETIC, DISTURBING and MORONIC......i want one.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

When Rocky Met Santa

A lot of people don't know that Rocky Dennis from the great comedy Mask was a real person. Jim Carey didn't do quit as good a job in the the sequal, also the cartoon M.A.S.K. didn't really do the live action movie much justice. His real name was Roy "Rocky" Dennis. While doing a search on yahoo once, I came across some dudes personal website, it was rather normal. He talked about his interests and crap and then he goes on to say how he went to elementary school with the real Rocky Dennis and how Rocky was a dickhead. Ha Ha...classic. Hey....his house number was 138...i never knew that. "We are 138, we are 138, we arrrre 138!" - The Misfits.

We all know that Santa visits all types of children...even good old Rocky. So in the spirit of Christmas, I bring you this short play entitled "When Rocky Met Santa" brought to you by the Mugato Playaz.

Rocky: I'm waiting up for Santa.....yippee ky-oh ky-ay (how the hell do you spell that??)! I think I hear him coming now.

Santa comes down the chimney with a thud.

Santa: Holy shit....clean your fuckin' chimney already. Jesus Christ.

Rocky jumps out from behind the chair

Rocky: SANTA!!!!


Rocky: Santa, it's me....Rocky Dennis

Santa: Please! Take off that's scary!

Rocky: I wish I could.

Santa: ...........your....human?

Rocky: Of course i am? Why do you ask?


Rocky: Gee you could at least look at me when you talk.

Santa: I'm's very....difficult....your

Rocky: Don't patronize me Santa, i know i'm a hideous monster.

Santa: Well son I can't argue with that one. But, hey at least you got your health.

Rocky: Actually....i'm pretty sick.

Santa: At least you got a good family.

Rocky: Well actually, my moms a crack-head.

Santa: At least you

Rocky: Actually not really.


Rocky: Shhh. you'll wake up mom....she was up all night having sex with 3 bikers.

Santa: she hot?

Rocky: What?

Santa: Nevermind

Rocky: So did you bring me my present?!?

Santa: I sure I must have forgotten it.

Rocky: Great......another Christmas without a present. All I want is some Brookyn Dodgers baseball cards.

Santa: Well maybe I have an extra present somewhere. Ahh..well how about this! Wouldn't you know that I happen to have a very popular toy that all the kids love....and best of all it looks JUST like you. See Rocky....your not so bad.

Rocky: thats a Boglin.

Santa: it is.

Rocky: Well this I made you some cookies.

Santa: You made these huh..........thanks...but i'm all set.

Rocky: Gee Santa I didn't rub my friggin' face in it.

Santa: It's not's me.

Rocky: Whatever. Look, obviously this has gone horribly the least you could do is tell me some things about my future. You can do that Santa right?

Santa: Of course Rocky...Santa knows ALL.

Rocky: I met this wonderful blind girl at camp....Will we be together forever?

Santa: .........yeah.......sure

Rocky: Will I ever go to California?

Santa: .........uh....yes..

Rocky: What age do I live to be?

Santa: Seven-ty-five....yeah, thats the ticket.

Rocky: Hey.....why did you say it like that terrible John Luvitz character from Saturday Night Live?

Santa: I....don't know what your talking about. Look, i really have to go. I have to deliver toys to every kid in the world!

Rocky: Even Jews.

Santa: Well.....i guess not many Jews.

Rocky: And Muslims

Santa: OK...I guess not many Muslims.

Rocky: Well hey, i should be getting back to my room anyway. Mom got me another prostitute for Christmas, so I guess I'll be up all night talking again.

Santa: Listen Rocky, this talking. You go in there and you bang her....bang her hard and bang her fast. Do it for Santa.

Rocky: But Santa...I don't know how.

Santa: .....Well Rocky....seeing how I forgot your is my gift to you. Bring me ONE carrot, ONE Donut and 3 1/4 Cups of Jello Instant Butterscotch Pudding. And Santa will SHOW it's done.

Rocky: Santa....your the greatest.

Santa: I know son....i know. Now lets learn how to bang that HO HO HO!!

Then Rocky does that 80's dance move "The Robot".

-the end-

There you have it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.....except Muslims. Just kidding. -Mugato

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


I have some theories on your Earth Races, Religions and Cultures. I believe I have the answers to eternal peace on Earth. I've learned all I need to know about your Races from TV, Music and of course, the best way of gaining knowledge.....ramblings of drunken Starship captains. Here we go:

Black People:
Hey, sure they are scary and rap out loud...even when they're not even listening to music! But, they are people just like everyone else. .......................... um yes, BE TOLERANT! After all who will play your Earth Football and Basketball??? Give them some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Take time to listen to what they have to complain about. When they say "Yo n-word, you know wut i'm sayin' " it just means that they are crying out for help. STOP BEING RACIST. Slavery ended ..... a bunch of years ago, they are free, treat them as such! If they want to sell you drugs then by-gosh they have the RIGHT to sell you drugs. This is America and they can do anything they want! SO JUST LET THEM! I like Bill Cosby......and they have some hot women.

Spanish People:
Listen.....they make good food and play good baseball. Leave them alone. If they ILLEGALLY want to enter your country....then what's wrong with that..huh? Whats wrong with them ILLEGALLY entering the country!! Give these poor people a break for god sakes, who else is gonna clean your Earth toilets?? They work hard, I like George Lopez, but Pedro went to the Mets so fuck him.......and they have some hot women.

They have hot women.....but it's pretty hard for a white Earthling to score one. They are pretty smart. Be nice to an Asian ..... except for North Vietnemese, North Korean, Red Chinese and WWII era Japanese. I like Asia Carrera ..... they have hot women.

I know...I know... There ARE some good Arabs....i just so happens that they are not Muslims. Just because Muslims worship the moon, it doesn't make them beheading people, that makes them bad. I worship the moons of Vulcan and I'm a good dude. I like M. Knight Shamalan.....and they have some hot women.

Native American:
At this point, how can anyone be mean to these people. Haven't they had enough? So come on and just let them sell Tax-Free Cigarettes, thats all they want in life, is to just sell Tax-Free Cigarettes. I hear they have excellent casinos too!

Just let them get married already! If they want to make the biggest mistake of thier lives...then let them! Waking up to the same face day after day after day after day for the rest of your life, until one day you say THATS IT! I CAN"T STAND YOU NO MORE! and they leave and take half of everything you own and you find yourself scraping for bus change so that you can get to your miserable job selling "Blue Blocker" sun glasses at the local mall, Just to return home to your one room apartment with a beanbag chair for a bed and a black and white TV and you cry yourself to sleep....OH HOW YOU CRY! .........but hey if homosexuals want to get married then it's thier right. I like Kevin Spacey.....and they have some hot women...that i can never have :(

I don't know how NOT to offend them. There are MANY great Jews.....such as the Lord Jesus Christ. Evidently they have lots of money and run your fabulous entertainment industry. So come on Earth...whats with the playa hating?? I LOVE Mel Brooks....and they have some hot women....i assume.

Whats the difference. I don't care enough to find out! Can't everyone just believe in God without disagreeing on crap! And if you don't want to believe in God, then go right ahead......just have fun burning in hell..hahahahahaha! Just Kidding.....or am one knows! I like Mel Gibson.....and they have some hot women???

PS: Fuck Quakers

So what am i getting at here? Well here it is...the secret to peace on Earth. "Don't Care". If everyone just didn't care, then there would be no disagreeing, no fighting, no hatred...nothing. I don't care about you, I don't care what you look like, what you do, what you say...NOTHING! If everyone on Earth didn't care about each other...then all will be well. Think makes sense...................i think.

Monday, December 13, 2004

They can't hear you scream in Spacey!

Over the weekend in Somerville, Massachusetts, USA, Earth.... there was a Kevin Spacey concert. Seriously! If it was better advertised then I would have hitched a ride to Earth and checked it out. Evidently he's doing a 10 date tour promoting his movie "Beyond the Sea", in which he portrays lounge singer Bobby Darin. In the review it said that he's backed by a full "big band" and he does 2 hours of Bobby Darin tunes....such as "Mack the Knife" and um ...... "Mack the Knife" (of which I only know from that 80's commercial with the creepy singing moon-head guy....any one remember that? Was it a Burger King commercial?). Whatever. All in all, they said that it wasn't too bad, and somewhat entertaining. I would have gone! Spacey is a weird Dude. I kinda dig him. I did a search on his name in Yahoo and it comes up with "Also Try: Kevin Spacey Gay" ...... whats up wit dat? I think his real name is Kevin Fowler...why the Spacey though? Like...ooh i'm so crazy...i'm friggin' spacey!! Kinda pompous. Anyway, he was in tons of good flicks. I really liked him in K-PAX and American Beauty, also Pay It Forward was a great movie (Haley Joel Osmond is seriously a really good actor, he was excellent in this Sixth Sense and AI....and i think he played Murphey Browns kid....and he's hot...what?....who said that?). Mr. Spacey was in an episode of that "good" 80's TV show The Equalizer...starring the Energizer "Oi" guy....i think? I'm totally off topic....lets see...i'd rather listen to Kevin Spacey sing, then the "Bacon Brothers", "Bruce Willis and the Accelerators", Joe Piscapo or Russell Crowe's band "30 Odd Foot of Grunts". Actually I really don't want to hear Spacey sing...i'm annoyed by this....go away! .......was there ever an episode where Tuvok goes through Fon-Pa...that would be disturbing.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Mugato P. Keaton

I really miss X-Files. That was a great show........

After watching "Jack Frost" (not the GREAT horror movie, but the Christmas movie...even though they have the same plot???), I realized that Michael Keaton is one of the most underrated actors of all time (along with Gene Wilder). I love this guy....really I DO. He's always good, even in the worst of movies. He's had so many bad scripts and been in so much crap, but he's always a solid actor. Batman, Beetlejuice, Multiplicity, Clean and Sober, Mr. Mom, Johnny Dangerously, The Squeeze, Jackie Brown....and of course Night Shift. Even though I didnt like the casting of Keaton as Bruce Wayne, I DID like him in the movie...he was very entertaining. I think Val Kilmer's personality matches that of Wayne much better. But I friggin' hate Kilmer. It's imposible to hate Michael Keaton ....i've tried. Did you know that in 1966 he was a stagehand on "Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood"??? Did you know that his real name is Michael Douglas?? Be sure to see Michael Keaton in the upcoming film "Herbie: Fully Loaded". I am a Michael Keaton carnasaur....did anyone see that move "Carnasaur"? I'd like to apologize to the Kelvans for calling them Kalvins, they got a little pissed. They are a bunch of pricks with water in the brain.

Monday, December 06, 2004

I'm BACK !!

Sorry i've been away, we had a little trouble here at the bar. I had an idea for a super cool "Bruce Springsteen" night. Everyone sprays on fake beard scruff and wears tight jeans with white t-shirts. Some people really got into it and started acting like annoying neo-hippies that pretend to have a point of view but really just want to sell records. The Boss has some good tunes though. Anyway, you ain't lived till you seen a Thelosian in jeans... Things started off badly when I yelled out "Who's The Boss!!" and Lazarus yelled out "Tony Danza!" followed by a Klingon bellowing "You fool....we all know it was Judith Light!". A fight ensued but it was quickly ended when the Klingon beat Lazarus to death (I won 10 strips of Latnium on that fight!). Here's were things get really bad. I thought it would be fun to actually be "Dancing in the Dark", everyone gets on the stage and starts doing the Springsteen/Cox Shimmy ..... don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about. I turn off all the lights and OH BOY!! The SCREAMS, the HORROR, oh the HUMANITY!! The official count is 1 Kalvin with a cracked cranium, 3 Andorians with broken hips (they don't drink enough milk) and for some reason Gorn strained his penis. I was afraid i was gonna get I killed everyone. Except for Gorn, he's cool. Then I went on a 2 day Coke binge....and a 1 day Pepsi binge, ha ha...was that a joke? How's this one...i would enter the Crab Nebula but i forgot my condoms ..... something like that, i'm still working on it. Anyone seen any good movies lately? Spongebob was decent....i laughed out loud a few times. Then I realized I was watching an hour and a half cartoon and I cried. I actually got choked up during Cold Mountain...whats wrong with me? What the do i shut off the italics!!!!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Hello....Sorry there's no Kenneth here.

I was serving up some Aldorian Ale to a bunch of Ktarians, they are freaks....I overheard them talking about being into "water sports" and "cleveland steamers". I'm sure there's a few good things in Cleveland, but i'm not too fond of the steamers. While engaged in coversation with my "friend" Captain Naps, the topic of Dan Rather came up and the infamous "What's the Frequency Kenneth?" incident. Although i've heard of this and found it very funny, i never understood the meaning of the phrase. Naps explained that the guy was just crazy, he thought someone was sending messages to his brain using radio/tv waves. Hence asking Rather "Whats the Frequency?". As for the Kenneth part...i guess no one really knows. I mean, look at him....he doesn't look anything like a Kenneth. He looks like a Jack or Carleton .... he doesn't even look like a Dan. Carelton Merriweather...he looks like a Carleton Merriweather. What the hell kinda name is Dan Rather anyway...dan rather what? I would really like to ask the attacker guy "Who's Kenneth?". Well anyway, the world may never know. But at the very least,that phrase is one hell of a battle cry. Imagine belting out "Whats the Frequency Kenneth!?!?" and then punching someone in the face. Thats great...but i'm a pussy and would never actually do that. I probebly shouldn't make fun of this because that same man that attacked Dan ended up killing someone......but I'm sorry, I just don't care.
GUY: Whats the Frequency Kenneth?!!
DAN: Excuse Me?
GUY: ....I said "Whats the Frequency Kenneth?!"
DAN: Oh sorry...let me take off my huge 70's style headphones that are plugged into this record player that i'm for some reason carrying down the street....along with this generator to power it up.
GUY: Um.....Whats the Frequency Kenneth!?
DAN: ......7-Niner-8-Niner
GUY: Thanks
DAN: No problem
If it only went down like that...then the world would be a better place. Lastly, yesterday It was so friggin windy here. I saw this guy walking down the street with a bag of Burger King. The wind blew it right out of his hand...fries, nuggets and a burger went flying like ten feet. I tried not to laugh...but it was hilarious! I seriously thought about grabbing the burger...but i'm not that desperate. OR AM I ?!?!!?!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Rachel Ray came to Borders Books in Boston recently to sign some "great" book. Seriously, like WAY too many people showed up. It's lunch time on a Monday! What are you people doing! Well anyway, she's not too bad, but she's pretty dopey. With catch phrases like "E.V.O.O" and "Garbage Bowl It", i mean come on we're not dealing with a genious here. Did I spell genious right? Whatever. So a few days ago I caught an episode of Rachel Ray's $40 a day in Boston, and it was MIND BLOWING. Not really....but I found one thing odd. She goes on the usual tour of Boston...thats cool. But then for lunch she goes to Kelly's Roastbeef on Revere Beach. Now Kelly's is good: they have good fried clams, roast beef sandwiches, fish n' chips etc., but if she's suggesting that people go from Boston to Revere..well have fun...hahahaha..hahahahahahahaha......hahahaha...

For those of you who don't know about Revere Beach, here's some info.
A) It's a pain in the sack to get from Boston to Revere Beach. Hop on the urine soaked Blue Line or drive through the big dig, maybe you can pay $30 for a cab just to get friggin $6.00 clam strips....what a great vacation. B) Disgusting isn't even the word for Revere Beach. I remember being a kid digging through the sand and finding numerous needles and even a dogs skull. There's more trash on the Beach than in the city dump. It smells like rotting eggs and the water is far from clean. C) It's not exactly the safest place in the world. When I was 17 my band played at a biker bar called the Tank....although I was pretty sure I was gonna die there that night, I STILL felt safer than actually being outside with hundreds of ghetto punks driving up and down the strip blasting that horrid bass drivin' reggae/rap (whatever that crap is) and screaming in foreign tongues. There is MUCH worse cities than Revere (such as Chelsea), but I still was shocked that Rachel Ray went out of her way to go there. It makes me wonder if she even has any idea what she's getting into. Like I said she's pretty dopey, and that trip could have easily turned out tragic. ......That would be funny though...hahahahahahahahahaha! Hmm...wait, I'm supposed to be from a different!