Wednesday, October 25, 2006
" When two flatworms mate, they exchange sperm so both become fertilized. Some flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hancockanus engage in penis fencing, in which two individuals fight, trying to pierce the skin of the other with their penises. The first to succeed inseminates the other, which must then carry and nourish the eggs."
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 1
Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time Pt. 2
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Smits: "I'm just looking for my tool"
Yvonne: "Oh, is that a wrench in your pocket?"
Smits: "huh....oh yeah"
Seriously! And it gets better
Smits" "Well Pee Wee the next time something breaks you need to call a certified repairman. They always have the right tool for the job (looks at Ms. Yvonne) and they know how to use it."
Yvonne: "Well, why don't you swing by my house, i'm sure i got something that needs fixing. If not then we can just break it"
They walk out...HOLDING HANDS!!!
Is this a kids show!! What the hell is going on here. They're gonna fuck. I wonder if children understood that.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
This is the plot...classic.
Plot Outline: A city dwelling man with a giant ice cream cone for a head tries to commit suicide by melting in a warm bath.
Seriously this is the most creative plot ever. Better than anything ever written. Better than Citizen Kane at least.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
First you got the black man part, it's mildly entertaining i guess. I actually pictured a skinny homeless black guy wearing Flashdance-esqe clothing on (leotard and leg warmers). With huge 1970's headphones.
Secondly you got the rollerskating part...not rollerblading but actually ROLLERSKATING. I can just see him doing that crazy rolling backwards move or the bend down, stick out one leg and roll on one skate thing.
Lastly you got the eating watermelon thing. I really have nothing to say about that. But you picture that all together and it's just to good to be true.
Finally I just want to add that the greatest display of homeless shame that i've witnessed came one day when me and Captain Naps where on our way through Boston Common going to Fenway Park (um...on an alternate Earth somewhere in Space). We saw a black, drunk and very high homeless guy begging for change while wearing a full Cat in the Hat costume ... and this was a damn good costume too, not that cheap vinyl crap, this bad boy had like real fur. Very funny stuff.
Friday, July 28, 2006
I suggest you watch "Who Mourns For Adonis?" and count how many times Scotty gets blasted by lightning while trying to save some broad, what a man won't do for sweet tang.
Monday, July 24, 2006
The worst part about 9-11 was the fact that those terrorists ruined a perfectly good Public Enemy song. The saddest part was that it was one of Flava Flav's only solo songs. I mean seriously, the song "911 is a Joke" could never be played again. I fucking hate terrorism.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
"Oh Michael Knight, late September back in '83."
Then I realized it was Friday night and I was writing a stupid song parody about Knight Rider.
Then I got real depressed.
So thats that.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
1. 5 pages of reveiws
2. One reveiw is "Terrific" ... thats it.
3. The Book is named "Dean Koontz': FRANKENSTEIN" ... he re-wrote Frankenstein??
4. It's actually a duel-author book with Kevin Anderson (of Star Wars novel fame, and is a really good author), yet in all 5 pages of positive praise it does't mention Kevin Anderson once.
5. He so obviously rips off Steven King.
6. I noticed while reading F. Paul Wilson books that Dean always writes a good comment in the beginning of the book. Then I noticed that around this time Koontz books oddly changed into a similar style as Wilson.
Koontz is such a phoney and a prick, yet I still read all of his books.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Int: Video Store Pakistan
Al: So as I was saying, we need to do more beheadings.
Bin-Ladin: Yes, I always wanted an infadel to give me head....get it!!
Al: HAHA, your too much. First we need to get our mits on some guns.
Bin-Ladin: Seriously man, no one says mits anymore.
Al: Whatever. We will make all inferior scum suffer to the ...
Customer: Excuse me. I'm looking for a romantic movie, any suggestions?
Al: My personal favorite is The Horse Whisperer, Robert Redford was pure magic.
Al: So anyway, we cut at the base of the infadels neck thus severing the spine and ...
Customer: Hey, I need your opinion. Which Patrick Swayze movie is better, "Dirty Dancing" or "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar".
Al: Hmmm. tough choice there. Personally I would go with Swayze's first appearance, "Skatetown, U.S.A."
Al: We need to kill as many American scum as possible, destroy the devils economy and ..
Customer: Hi, I'm ready to pay.
Al: Oh, the original Disney's Cinderella. Something for the kids eh? These new cgi cartoons have nothing against the visually stunning originals. AH! And one of my all time favs, "City Of Angels". Nic Cage had me crying like it was nobody's business. Would you like to purchase some Mike and Ikes for only $2.00 a box?
Bin-Ladin: So .... you wanna go halfs on a pizza or something?
....thats all i got.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
" Joey starts seeing things when he gets bonked on the head with a coconut."
Thats classic! How hard was it write this show ... honestly.
Here's some of the other episodes. Now imagine the writers pitching these ideas in-front of excecutives. These are actual episodes.
Writer: Ok ready, "Jesse lets DJ and Stephanie stay up late with his band. They even have pizza delivered at night! Then Danny comes home. "
Exec: Hmm wow, that's fucking exciting. Pizza? At night? Wow, that's unheard of! Next.
Writer: How about, "Granny returns to find the house a mess and her granddaughter is a turtle. See what happens when Claire refuses to clean up after the boys."
Exec: A turtle? Are you high?
Writer: Check this, "Father/Daughter day turns out so great for the Tanner's until it has to end. And Joey in leather? ."
Writer: "Find out why Jesse is about to mash Joey's potato. Why the cable goes out just when your about to watch something and how jealousy is the Green Eyed Monster".
Exec: "Your a sick fuck, man....seriously"
Writer: I got more, "Stephanie accidentally cuts part of Jesse's hair off and when he's on his motorcycle, his hair distracts him and he wrecks."
Exec: "HAHAHAHAHAHA ...... fuck you."
Writer: "Joey goes on star search"
Exec: "Is Joey gay or a child molester? He's a creepy 35 year old man that lives in a basement, he almost never has a broad over. He spends all of his time hanging out with little girls. Also, Danny seems really gay, he's obsessed with cleaning and shit. Furthermore, Uncle Jesse is obsessed with his hair and looks ... that's kinda gay."
Writer: "The show isn't gay!"
Exec: "The only thing good about the show is Kimmy. That skinny bitch in spandex always gives me a huge rod"
I believe the music to this is "Hammer Smashed Face" by one of my favorite bands, Canibal Corpse.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Hispanics: small like tortilla's, really they do. I could never figure out what the smell was until one day when I was actually heating up a tortilla and I said "H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T"
Asians: honestly, they smell like fish. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still find Asian women hot as hell. And hell is pretty hot, this I know from that old Squirel Nut Zippers video. "In the afterlife..."
Blacks: might as well just say it ... B.O. Well, sometimes coco-butter. I don't know if deoderant just doesn't work on you guys.
Arabs: totally smell like curry. Not Mark Curry, but the spice ... curry. I've eaten curried chicken and then you sweat that shit out and man....you smell like a dirty towel head.
Jews: i'm gonna go out on a limb and say... money. I really don't know, it's to general. In fact is Jewish a race or a religion? How can you say that Sharone, Seinfeld and Davis Jr. are all the same race???
Native Americans: i guess they small like a drunk guy, and probably unwashed ass.
Old People: small like piss and dirty hair....oh black people also smell like dirty hair. And yes Old people are a race, an inhuman race of ungrateful bastards.
Europeans: i think they also smell like b.o. I really don't know. Italians smell like olive oil.
OK, i lost interest in this.
PS: NEVER watch Lost in Translation, what a piece of shit movie!!
Monday, May 22, 2006
"Born in Babylonia but was raised in Arizona, KING TUT!" ......was that funny????
UPDATE: I just noticed that I wrote Farrow instead of Pharaoh....thats funny.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Munkustrap: Are you blind when you're born?
Demeter: If I was blind, then how would I lick my own balls and taint.
Plato: Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?
Demeter: Plato your fucked up man, weez be cats, we don't bark. Are you related to Dana Plato? I'd bang her......postmortem!!
Bombalurina: When you're walking alone?
Demeter: Was that even a sentence? I need to puke on the floor, then spray my jizz on the corners of couches.
Munkustrap: Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do. Jellicles do and Jellicles would. Jellicles would and Jellicles can. Jellicles can and Jellicles do.
Demeter: What are you fuckin crazy? Jellicles? What the fuck iz that? Munkustrap, your a pussy.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Oh and also Jews are offended when people say that they run Hollywood, they are also offended when you say that they have money. You morons do realize that running Hollywood is A GOOD THING!!! You fucking idiot. Is it really anti-semetic to say that you are successful????
Asians are offended when we say that they are good at Math??? Hispanics are offended when we say they eat tacos???? Arabs are offended when we call them terrorists??? OK so I guess thats a good one to be offended by....except for the fact that they actually ARE all terrorists.
I am offended by nothing....in fact white people are offended by nothing. Say anything you want...call me a honkey and i'll laugh at the hilarity of the word...honkey. It makes me think of Konkey from Pee Wee's Playhouse....and man, does it get any funnier than that?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
My name is Barbecue and I’m outraged at this slanderous article. It is full of lies!
Barbecue’s meat linked with prostate cancer
A compound formed when a certain someone’s meat is used in sexual relations, this person’s initials are BBQ-- as in Barbecue – his meat encourages the growth of prostate cancer, researchers reported on Sunday.
Their study, presented at a meeting of the Association for Cancer and Stuff, may help explain the link between Barbecue’s meat and a higher risk of prostate cancer.
It also fits in with other studies suggesting that Barbecue’s meat juices may cause cancer as well.
“It appears to both initiate and promote the growth of prostate cancer”, Dr. Mind Bender said. “I would suggest that any MAN that’s been with Barbecue be checked out immediately”
Researchers spoke with Barbecue’s superior officer Falcon who when asked if Barbecue’s meat has caused any problems in the ranks, aswered simply ”…what?”
"We stumbled across a new potential interaction between ingesting Barbecue’s meat and cancer," Dr. De Estro said in a statement. “If you are an animal such as a sheep, and you’ve had relations with Barbecue, I’d suggest getting your prostate checked immediately”
"I would suggest that all humans stay away from Barbecue’s meat. That goes for you Scarlet and you too Gung Ho. That’s right, it’s no secret Mr. Gung Ho. Why else would you wear an opened vest that exposes your bare chest?"
PS: Barbeque has AIDS.
- C.O. Bracommander
What’s up with that!!!!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
HULK: Hulk SMASH!!!
WENDIGO: YEEEH! ....Boy Hulk that was great....and rather disgusting.
HULK: I figure we got a one-shot deal going on here.
WENDIGO: It's nobody's business but ours.
HULK: You know I ain't queer.
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: Neither am I.
HULK: Good, cuz neither am I
WENDIGO: .........Neither am I.
WENDIGO: You are too much for me Hulk, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.
HULK: [crying] Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I'm like this! I ain't got nothing... I ain't nowhere... Get the fuck off me!
WENDIGO: Um...first off jackass, i ain't on you...that's a blanket. Secondly it's because of Gamma Rays your like this. And lastly....do..do you even know how many sanitation wipes i've gone through trying to clean up your mess.....Jesus it's like a fucking Elmers Glue factory exploded!!
Captain Marvel: You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there.
WENDIGO: Wa-wa-what...do you mean...cough.
Captain Marvel: Nothing ... what do YOU mean.
WENDIGO: I ain't queer.
HULK: Neither am I.
Wolverine Teabags Wendigo.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Also I hate Employee Selections. Wow some college nerd likes some queer book. Jeez that book really turned your crappy life around. What where you doing before?? Also every story has someone who always selects a comicbook(or a graphic novel). what a nerd.
And Lastly I hate when I am looking for a book on a shelf and there is someone in front of it. And Instead of moving out the way they move in closer to the shelf. Hey asshole I wasn't trying to get by! I was looking for a book. So either I have to A) slide up real close to the guy and try to look infront of it even though he is really close to the shelf and i really love having to get on my knees to find something on the bottom shelf because thats not gay...right?? or B) what I usually do, I pretend that i was going to walk around the guy and go look at something else and wait for him to leave so i can go get my book.
In conclusion I always thought Natasha Lyonne was kinda cute. She was the girl in American Pie but I prefer her in Slums of Beverly hills. I guess she became a coke head and was homeless for awhile and ended up in a Coma. I figure now I really have a chance with her. I bet I am starting to look pretty good...hmmmm??? I still wouldn't have anything to say to her though. So a coma huh??? hows that going for you?