Friday, May 27, 2005

Stank Phily

So I visited Philadelphia, PA, EARTH recently. It's not that great. Did you know that the actual Constitution isn't even there? And the cheese steaks are the same as a steak & cheese sub? And the famous pretzels are.....pretzels. Washington's Crossing wasn't even opened, it's in New Hope, PA i think, I was disappointed by the lack of Star Wars refferences in New Hope, PA. The Phily Zoo was top notch, but it's seriously in the worst ghetto i've ever seen. Philadelphia is a sub-par Bruce Springsteen song, but a damn funny Tom Hanks comedy. The best thing that came from the trip to Philly was this immortal line uttered by a thuggish black youth inside a Subway Resteraunt in Levittown, PA. "Yo, gimme the muthafuckin' Jarrod". The funny thing was, the lady new exactly what he meant.

Monday, May 16, 2005

You say Tomato, I say Caramelo

I overheard some lady saying Carmel today...she pronounced it Car-Mle. This really pissed me off, i don't know why, but it did. I say it like this...Care-a-mel (something like that). I guess i'm probebly the one thats saying it wrong, based on the spelling "Carmel". But is the candy bar not a Caramelo!!! I just hate when the Caramelo carmel gets on my chin, it's very mozzarella-esque. Or whatever, OK so it's a bad point. Granted i have a horrible accent, but at least I don't live in Minnesota (comment fishing), anyway I hate accents in general...mine included. Northeasterners all sound retarded, Southerners all sound retarded, West Coasteners all sound retarded and Fargo-esque-iners all sound retarded and also people that pronounce every friggin' letter are f-ing snobs (such people from Connecticut)....everyone covered? I'm a big fan of the homosexual male accent.....aka French. I guess an accent actually has nothing to do with my original point, the fact that I say Care-a-mel and you say Car-Mle. For all you humans that say Car-Mle, i don't hate, I just think your all snobs. Now I leave you with these words of wisdom "Streeeeeeetch it Out (out, out) CARAMELO!!!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Way Enterprise SHOULD end.

Here's the way Enterprise SHOULD Mugato

During a terrorist plot to take over the ship the crew is injected with lethal amounts of steroids. They now suffer from severe roid-rage and are fighting amungst each other.

Int: Bridge of the Enterprise

The crew is physically fighting each other, this fight scene will last 30 minutes.

(punching Travis in the face)
"I am an Archer! Like the mighty Oliver Queen!"

"Ha Ha, bring it bitch. For I am Lee Travis...AKA The Crimson Avenger!!!"

TRIP comes crashing through a brick wall

"Trip! You be Trippin'!"

(kicks DR. PHLOX's head off)

(picking up a complete copy of Hitchhikers Guide)
Hey Reed! Read this!!!

SATO flattens Reeds face

Take me....away.....Heart of Gold.

Scene Ends

Int: Archers Quarters

ARCHER and T'POL are having sex


ARCHER looks into his large ceiling mirror above his bed, he realizes that it wasn't T'Pol - it was actually Tuvak (the black Vulcan from Voyager)

"Oh Boy"


EXT: A Sunny Beach

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

"Wow, what a horrible dream"

Camera Pans out revealing a naked Tuvak lying next to him



INT: Set of Quantum Leap

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

"Wow, what a horrible dream, I can't believe I had sex with a black"

Voice: "We're ready for your next scene Mr. Bakula"

Camera Pans out showing a filimg session of Quantum Leap


SCREEN TEXT: "Three Days later Scott Bakula died in a plane crash"


Monday, May 09, 2005

The End Is Near

From what I hear, the worst series ending in the history of TV is about to happen. Worse than Roseanne, remember? was all a book? Well, this is actually on the same idea. I'm talking about "Enterprise". Sure they had to rush the ending because it got cancelled, but my GOD! From what I heard from 2 sources "T'Pol from the Boston Herald" and "Captain Naps from Jet Magazine", rumor has it that the ending is thus: "It's all a Holodeck simulation set up by Riker and Troi". If this proves to be true, then I'll never watch Enterprise reruns...EVER AGAIN!!!!! Reports have it that Jolene Blalock (sp?) is extremely upset over the final script, she also claims that she has been a Star Trek fan for years....YEAH RIGHT! NO HOT CHICK IS A STAR TREK FAN!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Runnin' On M.T.

I don't understand Earth slang. Humans have way to many ways to describe "running quickly".

Booked It
"I lit the homeless guy ablaze, and then a friggin booked it"
Origin: I really can't figure this one out. Really I though about it for like 15 minutes and I have no clue.

"We grabbed the blind mans cane and then we screwed outta there"
Origin: Maybe it's from the sex term "screwed". Because guys finish quickly.....Right guys?!?! Right?!?!

"I flew past that retard in the 50 meter at the Special Olympics"
Flew - Fly like a bird...i guess.

Hauled Ass
"After the car accident, I hauled ass out of there.
Origin - I'm bored with this already.

"I was mowin' around the corner and a plowed over a little kid"
Origin - I hate this term, ... as in mowing a lawn?

Barrel Assing
"This dude came barrel assing down the street on his bike, and I clothes-lined him.
Origin - Barrels and Asses....?!?!

"The Nazi's came chuggin' across Germany and ran into a Pole"
Origin - I determined that this comes from the sound of a train.

This post sounded like a good idea, but it really annoyed me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

George Orsmell

Finally! What i've always wanted! ......George Orwells "1984" the Opera! Remember that interesting and well written propaganda piece "1984" by George Orwell? Well picture it as an Opera! Interested?!?! Me neither. It was a decent book though, i'll admit that. But seriously Orwell was WAY off about 1984. Here's a comparison of Orwells nightmarish 1984 and the actual year of 1984.

ORWELL's 1984:

Ministries of Oceania - Control Peace, Penty, Love and Truth


Newspeak - politicians' language

Thought Police - control not only the speech and actions, but also the thoughts of its subjects

Room 101 - torture chamber in which a prisoner is subjected to his worst nightmare.

Big Brother - oppressive control over individuals

doublethink - misuse of language, and the deliberate self-deception

ACTUAL 1984:

"Where's the Beef?"

Michael Jackson's scalp is seriously burned by pyrotechnics during filming of a Pepsi commercial.

President Reagan calls for an international ban on chemical weapons.

Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in "Penthouse" magazine.

Band Aid

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock, Ghostbusters, The Terminator, Back to the Future, Dune, Indiana Jones

Metallica released Ride the Lightning, Prince released Purple Rain.

Highway to Heaven debuts on NBC, The Cosby Show debuts on NBC, Who's The Boss debuts on ABC, Miami Vice debuts on NBC, Murder, She Wrote debuts on CBS.

Births- Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore

....and it was the name of my favorite Van Halen album .... "Might as well JUMP!!!"

So see, Orwell was in idiot. Remember that interesting and well-written propaganda piece "Animal Farm". Orwell cracks me up, he wrote books speaking out against things such as propaganda....yet what he writes IS propaganda. Leave the prop writing to the Nazi's, they had that down pat. I was watching a thing on the Nazi's recently and it showed how they sent all handicapped people to the gas chambers.....and I was like SO WHAT! Who cares. We killed that stupid Terry Shiavo! Whats the everyone is always on Hitlers case. (If I offend anyone I apologize....i know not what I do for I am an alien)

Whats wrong with Texas...first they pass a law to allow Bible class in public schools and now they want to do away with sexy cheerleader....what am I talking about you ask?? Read it HERE.

Monday, May 02, 2005

What the .....??

I actually came across someone today .... a pretty hardcore Star Trek fan mind you ... that never heard of Hitch hickers Guide to the Galaxy. This person is an 8 out of 10 on the Star Trek Nerd Scale. How does this happen? I always assumed everyone has at least heard of this book, not just sci-fi fans either.

I'm a fan of the book personally, i like comedy sci-fi/fantasy like Terry Pratchett books and The Bible. But i must say, I'm expecting this HGTTG movie to suck.

Anyway, I was just shocked that someone never heard of it.