I wanna be a Star Trek Paperback Writer....PAPERBACK WRITER!

In case anyone is ever compelled to write a Star Trek novel here is the official guidlines. They are really strict about this shit. I wrote a Classic Star Trek script in high school....in retrospect that was a really dumb idea.

1.) Any story primarily about a guest star or non-STAR TREK regular. This means no stories about other crews, ships, or guest characters that become the focus of the story. The novels should always "star" Kirk, Picard, Sisko et al. Paramount Pictures feels very strongly that STAR TREK stories should primarily be about the STAR TREK characters, who must be the major problem solvers in any STAR TREK novel. (So for instance if you want to write a book about something stupid like a Mugato opening a bar...you can't)

2.) Death of an established crewmember or character, or any other permanent change in the STAR TREK characters, settings, or universe, such as introducing offspring or close relations of the characters other than those already in existence. Also no childhood or current sweethearts, although you can create temporary love interests. As with all series, the status quo must be restored at the end. (So you can't kill off Wesley Crusher)

3.) Any plot that hinges on or describes in detail sexual relations of any kind, especially between humans and aliens. We are not interested in books that suggest anything other than friendship among any of the Enterprise crewmembers. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Spock)

4.) No mixing of casts is allowed, which means no plots that mix the characters from one series with another. While we do intend to occasionally cross over between series this will always be handled very carefully in-house. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Picard)

5.) Traveling in time to change history or learn something, rescue someone, etc. Also, we are currently overstocked on alternate universe storylines. (Sorry fan fiction writers...Kirk CAN NOT bang Earnest Hemmingway in an alternate universe where ancient Rome never fell)

6.) For DEEP SPACE NINE and VOYAGER, the books should stay current with the programs. NEXT GENERATION should, for the moment, be set between the end of the series and STAR TREK: GENERATIONS, the first movie with the NEXT GENERATION cast. (whatever)

7.) No stories that turn out to have been a dream, a hoax, or a virtual reality sequence. We are also avoiding novels that start out with an action-packed opening that turns out to be taking place on the holodeck. (THAT WAS EVERY NEXT GEN EPISODE!!)

8.) No "test" stories, i.e. stories where the Enterprise is tested by god-like beings studying humanity or judging our worth. (...so no Q?)

9.) Avoid trying to definitively map out a character's history beyond what has already been done in the movies or television episodes. When we do biographical books, we work very closely with Paramount and the writer. As a general rule, the best chance for a STAR TREK submission by a first-time STAR TREK writer is to submit a "traditional" STAR TREK mission story that follows the Problem on Planet/Problem on Ship (or Station) formula. If you've been reading the novels, you know that we do take some chances and publish books that push the boundaries somewhat, but be advised that we approach these stories very carefully, working closely with experienced STAR TREK writers and Paramount Pictures. (Who really cares?)

10.) Do not introduce any levels of technology beyond what has been established in the television shows. (There goes my book where Picard takes Space Viagera)