Star Trek TNG: Episode 44 - Samaritan Snare

"Picard undergoes a medical procedure at a starbase while Riker leads the Enterprise in answering a distress call from an alien ship that proves to be trouble."

Picard gets heart surgery??? So random. The doctors look like the Aquabats ... a weird ska-punk band that now have a kids show for some reason ... anyway. Riker sends Geordi to a distress call on some ship in which everybody looks like the comic book character Blob ... or more accurately Bobo and Lil Debull from Nothing But Trouble (the best movie). They abduct Geordi by pretending to be in distress ... this is evidently called the Samaritan Snare. It's not even a good trick!!

ST TNG: 43 down 135 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 43 - Q Who?

So Q wants to join the Enterprise crew. I would let him, why the hell not. Picard seems to think they don't need him, but he's about to show them otherwise. Q tosses the Enterprise 7,000 light years away and into their first encounter with tennis player Bjorn Borg. The Borg are pretty awesome, the ship is pretty awesome and their careless demeanor is pretty awesome. They are very Nine Inch Nails. The Borg prove to be brutal adversaries, they seemingly can't be destroyed. Also, they are the ones that had been destroying outposts in the episode The Neutral Zone. There's an odd interaction between Q and Guinan that makes you wonder whether she herself might be a Q. Now to bitch about something. What is the odds of this "race" being called the Borg ... they are obviously Cyborgs, which is an Earth word!

ST TNG: 42 down 136 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 42 - Pen Pals

I dunno. This episode is a bit all over the place. Sometimes it's good, sometimes boring. Data is way too serious in this. He obviously goes way out of line to bring this girl on the ship. He made "pen pals" with this hideous alien kid ... ironically played by Nikki Cox ... who is married to Jay Mohr??? Anyway, he violates the Prime Directive because she is from a pre-warp civilization. So they erase her mind.

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Star Trek TNG: Episode 41 - The Icarus Factor

What an absolute crock-o-shit. On many levels this episode sucks, many many levels. First we have Riker and his estranged father, his father wants to make amends but really he is sort of a dick. At one point he defends his absence in Rikers life by saying "Come on! I gave you 14 good years!" ... gee thanks. And evidently Rikers dad used to screw Dr. Pulaski. Gross. Then we have Riker leaving the Enterprise for a better job ... yea yea, how many times is this plot going to come up? Next up Worf's age of ascencion ceremony on the holodeck ... this involves him getting beat down by other Klingons. Much like getting jumped into a gang, which is ironic because Klingons are obviously supposed to be black. Also, one of the Klingons is played by John Tesh. Last but not least we have Riker and his dad fighting in the dumbest martial arts sport ever ... Anbo-Jitsu. They dress up like Tron and swing a staff wildly at each other.

ST TNG: 40 down 138 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 40 - Time Squared

I really liked this one. The Enterprise encounter a Starfleet shuttlecraft floating in space. Picard orders it taken into shuttle bay and they open the door and inside is .... Picard! This is not some kind of shapeshifter, it's the real Picard from 6 hours in the future ... a time when the Enterprise has been destroyed and only Picard survives. Now the present Picard is grilling the future Picard on the details of what happened to the Enterprise. They figure that future Picard is stuck in a time loop ... so they kill him. Sure it doesn't make sense, but it was cool.

ST TNG: 39 down 139 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 39 - The Royale

Not a bad plot, not the best episode. Data, Worf and Riker beam down to a planet and end up in a hotel from the 1900's. The also find a small NASA ship drifting in orbit. How is this possible? The explanation is some what cool. There was this Astronaut that got lost in space, he was captured by these aliens and they felt bad for him so they recreated Earth for him. Sadly for him they based it on the only resource they had available ... a poorly written novel about a casino. This place ended up being his hell until he eventually died of old age. On the other hand, Data has one heck of a time gambling. But really, an astronaut goes into space, i'm assuming he is able to bring only a small amount of items ... so he brings a shitty pulp fiction novel?


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Star Trek TNG: Episode 38 - Contagion

I will review this episode in the stylings of a 4th graders book report. In other words, the same as usual. The Enterprise meet up with the Yamato. The Yamato think they have found the fabled planet Iconia. Sort of Atlantis of space ... they had crazy technology and shit. A probe comes from the planet and infects the Yamato with a computer virus that slowly destroys the ship. A Romulan ship shows up. They too become infected. The Enterprise works together with the Romulans to figure out how to reverse the virus. Data suggests destroying the source on the planet. That's it. It was decent enough I guess. Not enough Data.

ST TNG: 37 down 141 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 37 - The Dauphin

What the hell did I just watch? These costumes are an embarrassment. Even TOS had better shit than this. Seriously, look at that fucking thing. Anyway, this beast is a shape shifter and this is it's true form. It appears to Wesley as a cute girl and they soon fall for each other. She is forced to reveal her true self to Wesley and he is more mad at her for not telling the truth than he is about the fact that she looks like a monster. She tries to smooth things over by telling him that she can transform into anything that he wants. So, my question is, would you date this thing? I'm a bit intrigued by having it be whatever you want ... on the other hand it is still really gross looking. I think I'd go for it. Then I can make it look like The Red Baron and I would dress up like Eddie Rickenbacker ... then we have sex.


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Star Trek TNG: Episode 36 - The Measure of a Man

This was a pretty good episode. It's just basically a court room drama, but it was entertaining. Starfleet wants to take apart Data in order to study him. Picard argues that he is a sentient being and has rights, Starfleet sees him as their property. Picard must act as Data's lawyer in order to save his life. Also in this episode Data reveals that he screwed Tasha Yar.
I would say that just because Data is not human, does not mean that he should be destroyed. This seems like a very odd request from Starfleet. Plus, Data is arguably the best Officer in all of Starfleet ... so lets kill him?? Another very stupid element to this one is the fact that Riker must be the Prosecutor in the case against Data. Why would this ever be a good idea? If I'm ever on trial I sure as hell would not mind having my friend as the Prosecutor. Seems like a HUGE conflict of interest??

ST TNG: 35 down 143 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 35 - A Matter of Honor

I most likely will not be saying this too much in season two ... but this episode is awesome. Riker ends up serving as a First Officer on the Klingon Battle Cruiser Pagh. This is because he has joined a Federation Officer Exchange Program, yeah it's kind of dumb but whatever. Up until this point in the series Lt. Riker has been a relatively cool cat, but this episode has elevated him to total badass status. It was awesome to see the way the Klingon crew operates and it's always nice to view the dark and dirty interior of a Klingon ship. Cool side note: the Klingon commander is played by Chris Collins also known as the voice of both Cobra Commander AND Starscream.
So Riker jumps right into the role of a Klingon, right down to fighting for no reason and eating vile foods. Also, the female Klingons are constantly trying to bang him ... I must admit that I started to consider whether or not I would have sex with these hideous monstrosities. I think I would. I mean the face looks like a 90 year old Arab woman, but the bodies are pretty tight. Although those teeth would rip your dick to shreds.

Now were was I? Oh yes, so eventually the Klingons smell treachery. Or maybe it was just Dr. Pulaski's old vagina. Nonetheless they attempt to attack the Enterprise, but Riker foils their plans in a very Klingon type of way. By being a total shithead.

ST TNG: 34 down 144 to go