Star Trek TNG: Episode 34 - Unnatural Selection

Wow, my nightmare has come true ... an entire Dr. Pulaski themed episode. I now know who the worst character is Star Trek is. She just sucks.

First the Enterprise finds the USS Lantree and everyone on it has died of old age. They trace the problem to this planet that has been 'creating?' telepathic kids?? Or something. Their minds are so advanced that they send out antibodies to kill diseases before they even get near them. This is what has been attacking people and causing them to age. Pulaski and Data go down to the planet and she gets the disease. She's rapidly aging, to be honest she looks the same. There is no cure either, so for a minute I'm thinking that maybe they kill her off. To my dismay they do not. Picard takes a piece of her hair and uses the DNA to correct her cells while she beams up. This has never before been attempted .... and for some reason they seem to never use it again.

ST TNG: 33 down 145 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 33 - The Schizoid Man

I always thought that Schizoid was sort of a derogatory name for a crazy person. Evidently it's an actual medical term. This episode has it's moments, just not enough of them to say that it was any good. Morgan Sheppard who is typically a decent actor is just way to over the top as Dr. Graves. The premise is that Dr. Graves is dying, so he transfers his mind into Data. Nobody can understand why Data is acting like a giant prick. He disobeys orders and hits on all the chicks. He finally professes his love for his assistant but accidentally breaks her hand because he doesn't realize Data's strength. Then he beats up Picard. ....and seeing how they have 5 minutes left in this episode they better wrap this up quick. Oh, so he leaves Data's body for seemingly no reason. Why is that on Star Trek there are so many Doctors and Scientists that are good 'ol southern boys???

ST TNG: 32 down 146 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 32 - Loud as a Whisper

Let me just say, evolution makes zero sense in the Star Trek realm. In this episode there is a famous peace negotiator. He is deaf and can't talk. So on his planet, he has sort of evolved to be able to talk through other people telepathically. How about fucking evolving to be able to hear again? It just seems way simpilar than telepathy. After his speakers are all called, he is forced to use sign language. The moral of this story is .... I have no fucking clue. The actor is really deaf and he does a good job, but honestly he doesn't have any lines so how hard could it be.

ST TNG: 31 down 147 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 31 - The Outrageous Okona

Remember when I said that TNG is good at blending sci-fi with other genres? Well they are good at that, unfortunately sometimes it's just shit. Such as this episode. Captain Okuna is a space rogue, a total Han Solo rip off right down to his clothing. He needs some repairs to his ship. Come to find out he is a wanted criminal on two waring planets. On one he stole something and on the other he knocked up some chick and bailed. Oh no he didn't! Come to find out that the baby is not even his ... it's the child of the dude that he stole something from on that other planet. Following me so far? You see, the girl from planet A and the boy from planet B are in love ... so at the end of the episode they get married. First off all, it's pretty clear that the girl must have at least slept with Okona. Second of all, this episode played out like a spin-off attempt ... thank God it wasn't. Although Okuna was played  by the guy that was the Rockateer. He's a decent actor.

Plot two was just as dumb. Although it was all about Data, which never fails to be hilarious. This time he's trying to learn how to be a standup comic. He compiles a bunch of washed up jokes and tries them out on Guinan. She cringes at how bad they are. Seriously though Whoopie, your a decent actress but you are the hackiest comic ever. Anyway, Data asks the holodeck to recreate the funniest comic of all-time. And it's Joe Fucking Piscopo. I just lost all respect for the holodeck.

ST TNG: 30 down 148 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 30 - Elementary, Dear Data

Would this episode be considered Steampunk? I think it might. This is one of those TNG episodes that take you away from the "in your face" sci-fi that we are used to and venture into other genres. What TNG does so well is to mix in the sci-fi just enough so that you still feel like your watching Star Trek and not Knots Landing (of which as a kid I always thought was about Nazis??).

The message in this one is "be careful what you say to the holodeck" ... i guess. Data (as Holmes) and Geordi (as Watson) go into the holodeck to create a Sherlock Holmes mystery. The problem is that Data can solve these in like two seconds. So, Geordi asks the holodeck to create an adversary capable of defeating Data. Problem. What he should have asked for was an adversary capable of defeating Holmes. Now the holodeck has used all it's power to create a nearly realistic villain that is equal to Data himself, Professor Moriarty. Also, it's the Butler from the show The Nanny. He kidnaps that annoying Dr. Pulaski and really who would care, she sucks. Picard ends up talking to Moriarty and the Professor understands that he's just a hologram but he feels so real and wishes to be a person. Picard offers to save his character so that they can hang out whenever they want. Something like that.

ST TNG: 29 down 149 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 29 - Where Silence Has Lease

I have to keep reminding myself that this show is from the late 80's. But, damn the villain in this episode is so stupid looking. I'm guessing it was made by Jim Henson or something. "Dance, Magic, Dance, Magic, Dance". Anyway, i'll post the picture later. The plot is thus; The Enterprise gets sucked into a void in space. They encounter strange space-time loops etc. They see mirages of Romulan and Federation ships. This is all an experiment given by some super being. They see no way out, so Picard issues a self destruct. For really no reason. It worked and the being lets them go ... for some reason. Then Picard makes friends with it ... i guess.

ST TNG: 28 down 150 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 28 - The Child

Season Two. A rough year for Star Trek with the whole writers strike thing and shit. They used some old Phase II scripts and this is one of them. A lot of people hate this episode, but I didn't find it all that bad. It's not top quality but the acting was good. And Troi is always hot. Even when she's having an alien baby that rapidly grows from a newborn to teenager in like one day. Riker finally grows his beard. Gates McFadden is gone, replaced by some other doctor woman of whom I can't stand. This episode also has the great ... well maybe not great, but mildly decent Miles O'Brien in it. Another surprise was Guinan. I have always hated this character, but in this episode Whoopi Goldberg was just so damn good. I'm not a big fan of Whoopi, but I must admit that she's a pretty solid actor. ANYWAY. Why does a ship that has replicators, need a bartender?

ST TNG: 27 down 151 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 27 - The Neutral Zone

Damn, season one is already done. It ends on a high note ... and then fizzles out at the end. I'll get to that. First off all, good guest stars in this one. You got, the great Peter Marc Richman who played Chrissy's dad on Three's Company, Anthony James who was the villain in one of the Naked Gun movies, the dude that played John Billings in The Patriot and the Gul Dukat guy from DS9.

The Enterprise happens upon a 21st Century Satellite thingy. On board are cryogenically frozen humans. Three are still alive. Here's the genius of this, these people are not scientists or anything ... rather they are typical annoying Americans. You got an emotionally unstable house wife, an alcoholic country singer and a dickhead business man named Ralph Offenhouse (remember him because he is somewhat important). Picard must deal with their problems while simultaneously dealing with the complete destruction of Starfleet outposts near the Neutral Zone. Soon they are visited by one of my favorite all time Star Trek ships ... the huge, green, Romulan Warbird. Sweet. Picard finds out that Romulan outposts have also been destroyed. (Note: this is the first vague reference to the Borg). Picard makes sort of an alliance with the Romulans. Sort of. And then the episode ends. Yeah, that's it. It was the most passive season finale ever.

Now back to Oppenhouse. He actually appears in a bunch of Star Trek novels, both before and after this episode. Once back on Earth he ends up becoming a Starfleet big wig and Ambassador to the Ferengi. I just read somewhere too that instead of the ship finding all of these frozen people, the original idea was for them to find a frozen Harry Mudd. Sadly Roger Carmel died before the making so they had to re-write it.

ST TNG: 26 down 152 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 26 - Conspiracy

Every once in awhile an episode comes along that just makes you go wow. This is one of those episodes. Unfortunatly it made me go, wow what a piece of shit. The sad thing is that it really seemed like they went all out on this one. It's just too stereotypical sci-fi. There is a Conspiracy involving Starfleet high command, they seem to be trying to take over Starfleet ... also they eat worms. This is because they are actually just hosts for an alien parasite race ... known as Mexicans. Just kidding. This episode just turns into a rip off of Aliens, V, etc etc. It has the alien parasite bustin through someones chest and everything. Although I did enjoy Data's attempt at laughing (one of many awesome moments) and the appearance of the great great great GREAT Michael Berryman.

ST TNG: 25 down 153 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 25 - We'll Always Have Paris

An odd group of guest stars ... Michelle Phillips from the Mamas & the Pappas, and the guy that played Freud in Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure. I like the science in this episode, it involves an experimental machine that screws with space-time. The wife of this inventor is Picards old f-buddy from Paris. He stood her up one day and never saw her again. Until now. They recreate that day in Paris in the Holodeck and this time Picard shows up. Nothing happens because she's married ... so what the fuck was the point? Oh and that machine thing goes crazy and Data fixes it. Why use the holodeck to recreate a regret?? Not like you can correct it. So dumb.

ST TNG: 24 down 154 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 24 - Skin of Evil

"An evil, tar-like creature holds Troi hostage on an alien world". Sounds kind of dumb? Well it is, sorta. The episode is a total TOS throwback. The tar creature looks stupid, sounds stupid and well is just plain stupid. But, at times the thing was a bit creepy I must admit. He embodies all of the negativity of the planets previous inhabitants. It doesn't understand 'good'. I have a million jokes for this episode that I'm not going to touch... Anyway, it kills Tasha Yar. Yes, she's dead. I couldn't believe that she was only in one season?? Whenever I thought of TNG, I always thought of Yar. And she was only in 24 episodes. Odd. The funeral scene was pretty good. Solid acting all around. I can't say that I will miss her because to be honest the acting of Denise Crosby just didn't hold up to the rest of the cast.

ST TNG: 23 down 155 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 23 - Symbiosis

Not a bad idea, a bit corny, but watchable. The Enterprise encounter a disabled vessel ... Picard strikes up a conversation with the ships Captain and it's fairly apparent that he is high as a fucking kite. They soon find themselves in the middle of a bizarre situation. There are two planets; one suffers from a sickness while the other provides them medicine. It seems like a good situation. One planet is kept alive while the other makes a few bucks. Right? WRONG. This "sickness" does not exist, the drug planet is just keeping the people addicted to these drugs. Picard puts an end to this funny business let me tell you what. Tasha Yar also gives the dumbest cliched anti-drug speech to Wesley Crusher. Boy, I wish they would kill her off ... wink, wink.

ST TNG: 22 down 156 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 22 - The Arsenal of Freedom

A lot going on this episode. The Enterprise are in search of the USS Drake, they end up on an empty planet. This was once a great weapons planet, they sold arms. You with me so far? Ok. So Picard, Riker, Data, Yar and Crusher beam down and encounter deadly drones and holograms. Geordi is in command of the Enterprise and they become under attack by a cloaked weapon. He ends up seperating the saucer section. Picard and Crusher fall down a crevace and nearly have sex. By the way I'm talking about Beverley, not Wesley. Just to be clear. Finally the greatest hologram of all time shows up ... a Vincent Schiavelli hologram. Fuck this Tu-pac hologram that everyone is so excited about ...

ST TNG: 21 down 157 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 21 - Heart of Glory

A few cool things in this episode. One ... they dive into Geordi's origins and the technical aspects of his visor. Even though it adds nothing to the plot. And evidently he still sees like shit. Two ... they dive deeper into the Worf character, his origins and his struggle with being Klingon. This is what makes TNG a great series. The character development is incredible, plus they get so technical. This is what I always wanted from Star Trek ... show me how everything works. The plot is basically, the Enterprise saves three Klingon fugitives and this forces Worf to unleash his inner beast. He's actually pretty scary for once.

ST TNG: 20 down 158 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 20 - Coming of Age

This episode was actually pretty good. Even though nothing happened. Wesley is competing for the last spot in this years Starfleet Academy class. It was actually cool to see the tests and that kind of crap. He does well, but misses out. Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Picard must deal with a seemingly pointless investigation into wrong doing on the ship. It was all test ... i guess?? Anyway, in the end Picard is offered the rank of Admiral but he declines. Also, I am a trained gorilla in warfare and I'm the top stripper in the entire US armed forces. Not only am I extensively trained in unclothed combat.

ST TNG: 19 down 159 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 19 - Home Soil

The cool thing about "Home Soil" is that it brings back the whole Genises Project idea, as the Enterprise visit a Terra-forming planet. The problem is that the scientists think that the planet is uninhabited by intelligent life (and in a way it is ... there are bl ... you know I'm not going to do that joke), anyway there's single celled crystal things living here. Individually they are not intelligent, but when they clump together they are very intelligent. They soon revolt and Picard must negotiate a compromise, but not before torturing the poor creature. This episode has Walter Gotell in it, he was in a bunch of the old Bond films.

ST TNG: 18 down 160 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 17 - When The Bough Breaks

A planet in which everyone is sterile do to radiation, plans on kidnapping the kids from the Enterprise. They end up being really nice people so Picard lets them go. Pretty stupid actually. Not even the great Jerry Hardin (from season 1 of X-Files) could save this one. The dumbest part was when Will Crusher saves the kids by starting a peaceful resistance movement. Just the kind of excitement Star Trek needs!

ST TNG: 17 down 161 to go

Star Trek TNG: Episode 16 - Too Short A Season

Garbage. Let me just run through this plot in two sentences. An old geezer admiral accidently started a war 40 years ago. He now goes back to make things right, and takes pills to make him young again??? It's such a TOS plot. Also, the guy that plays the old man has the shittiest make up on. They try to make him look really old, but it just looks stupid. Nevermind the fact that the actual actor was born in fucking 1938! How good could this dude possibly look that you had to make him look old. Too short a season? Try too long an episode. I wish the rapper Too Short was in it. That's all I got. Spoiler Alert: He OD's at the end.

ST TNG: 16 down 162 to go