ASK KLOOG

One of the patrons here at "Mugato's Bar and Grill" has requested a column on the blog. I'll give him a shot. He's a drunk, he's here 24-7 and well he has what you humans call tourettes. His name is Kloog and this is his advice column, ASK KLOOG.

Dear KLOOG: Recently, I misdialed a long-distance number and got someone's answering machine. It took a minute or two to realize my mistake. When I called the telephone company, hoping they would negate the charge, I found myself talking to another machine. Finally, a live person solved my problem in one minute. But it took almost 30 minutes to get to her, and it was exhausting and frustrating. This recorded message business has gone too far. It's impossible to get a real, live person on the phone anymore. What gives? ---Jerry Atrix

KLOOG: Are you fucking serious? No really, are you fucking serious? Your pissed about a phone recording wasting your precious time, yet you sat down and wrote this piece of shit of a letter to me. Go fuck yourself. Goooooooooooo fuck yourself. What shitbag actually WANTS to deal with a real person? People suck! You son of a Skagaran whore, aubergine stew faced, Dokkaran fucking prick face, arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: After my father passed away, Mom offered my brother the downstairs apartment of her home. Mom lives upstairs and agreed to let him live on the ground floor for the first year rent-free. After that, he was supposed to start paying rent. It is now seven years later, and my mother has yet to see a full month's rent. How could I get my brother to pay up? ---- Bill Ding
KLOOG: Think I give a fuck? Do you honestly think I care that your father shit the bed? Fuck you, you aldorian ale drinking, isolinear rod sucking, son of a mugato's uncle! arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: Last September, I attempted suicide. My whole life was a mess. I was unconscious for three days and almost died, but thank God, I lived. But now I feel like killing myself again, what should I do? ---- Sleepless in Cialis
KLOOG: Kill yourself. I must say that i'm disappointed you lived the first time. Just do it, end your miserable friggin life. You think your life is hard? I fought in the ring of Triskelian for 15 years. Ever reach over and put your hand in a pile of goo that was once your best thrall's face?!?! Fuck off and die. Next.

Dear KLOOG: I was married last Valentine's Day. I am 26, and "Curtis" is 28. I have no children of my own, but Curtis has an 8-year-old son. I consider myself a good person, loving and warm, and I have always loved children -- until now. Frankly, I don't know what to make of it. I'm ashamed to say I hate this little boy. Can you help me? -- Desperate in Daled IV
KLOOG: Look bitch, I dig you. First of all...you say you consider yourself a nice person, then you say you hate a little kid. Such a contradiction, I think I love you. Can I please violently have sex with you? You whoring Kanarian whore-faced, whore......arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!! PS: "Curtis" is a fag.

Dear KLOOG: Today, I received a letter from the U.S. Government saying I owed 3 cents to the Department of Education on a student loan. When I paid the balance a month ago, I called to verify the amount and added 75 cents just in case it was off. Well, now, in addition to the 3 cents, it seems it will cost me an additional 32 cents for the stamp. I don't want to pay, what should I do? ---Mr. Richman
KLOOG: You miserable cheap fuck. It's a few cents you fucking cheap fuck. Your a Ferengi aren't you? Go whack-off your lobs, asshole....arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!

Dear KLOOG: How can I diplomatically tell my sister that I don't think it's a good idea for her son, who is 14, and his sister, who will soon be 12, to sleep together? --- Steve Ven
KLOOG: I believe Marie Antoinette said it best when she said "Let em fuck". If I had an 80's Black Metal band I would name it "Sister Fister". Let me just get this chant going, Steeeven! Steeeeven! Steeeeven! ............. YOU SUCK!!!

Feel free to ask me any questions or leave a comment. You humanoid Nondoran tomato paste suckers! arrrrrrrrrgghghghghghh!!!!!!!!!!