Iraq and Roll Hoochie-Coo

Iraq.....i still don't care. I really don't. I guess it's sad, but I don't give a shit. Sure i've tried to care, but I just CAN'T DO IT!!! Everyone complaines about it and i'm sick of hearing it .... "Oh all those soldiers are dying over there" ... Well what the fuck do you think the military is for?? Marching in a friggin parade??? It's probably the only occupation in which you are pretty much gonna die. So shut up. Anyway, I say lets just Just drop nukes on the middle east ... the whole friggin thing, Iraq, Iran, Afgan, Jordan....hell even Israel. Who cares ... I sure as hell don't. WHY? Because I hate everybody! If your humanI hate you, i don't descriminate. I could care less what religion, color, nationality or whatever ... I hate EVERYONE equally. While i'm at it. Everyone is complaining about oil prices and war for oil ... you wanna complain hippy?? Then let us drill in friggin Alaska. Then we wont have to worry anymore. Sure I love wildlife more than the next guy ... in fact I like animals better than people. But I look at it this way....when we have no oil left, then those same animals that we protected in Alaska, we're gonna be killing for fur so that we can stay warm. So might as well just kill em now and get it over with! Makes sense right? ........right? ...............hello? Will all this trouble over the protection of animals and people make a difference when the sun goes supernova?!?! The answer is NO!! Anyone see DiGrassi The Next Generation last week? It rocked! It was funny when Emily got an STD from Wesley Crusher.

Der Friedensstifter

I've talked alot of shit about Vin Diesel, in fact I still think he sucks. But boy was I wrong about The Pacifier. It really wasnt all that bad. Granted Diesel still acts horribly in it, but it works. The plot basically is this: Diesel is a Navy Seal with a one-track military mind and no emotions (which makes his lack of acting ability work so well), his new mission is to babysit a family of kids....why? you ask, watch the damn movie I dont have time to explain it. Thats the plot anyway, it sounds dumb but for some reason it was decent. I laughed more than once and the movie had good action scenes. Whatever, I still hate Vin Diesel. Heres some more of my favorite "kids" movies...

Cat in the Hat - (my favorite movie about a creepy pedophile man-cat)
Willy Wonka - (favorite movie about a creepy pedophile candy maker)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit - (favorite movie about cartoon beastiality)
Wizard of Oz - (favorite movie about a homosexual lion, a very gay tin-man, and a scarecrow who's sexuality is of suspect)
Kindergarten Cop - (favorite movie about a child abusing police officer)
Stuart Little - (favorite movie about ........a mouse)
Little Vampire - (favorite movie about closeted homosexuals ..... also known as vampires)

Gone Fis(h/t)ing

Why do people own fish? Whats the f-in' point?!? You can't play with it and it has no idea that your even there! They don't do shit. It's a sad fact but it's true, a fish as a pet is useless. You might as well have an ant as a pet, or even a homeless guy, they're just as useless. Fish are so useless that vegetarians eat them!! They don't even count to a psycho vegatarian. On the other hand why do I enjoy fishing? Especially when it's catch and release, I suppose there is no point in that, except maybe to go "Yeah Fish, I caught you and I could so easily kill you right now, but i'm in a good mood....lucky you, you get to live ... just remember that" ....... oh yeah thats why I like fishing. Which brings me to my second topic...fisting. Does anyone really enjoy getting fisted?!?!?

Biggest Newz Ever

The biggest news report of the last week was the London bombing...just kidding. The biggest news was the death of Scotty.
I met Scotty once at a sci fi convention. I was there on my shore leave as a star ship captain. It was 20 bucks to get his autograph. I didn't spend the money because what would I do with his autograph? Also I would have to talk to him and what the hell would I say???? "Soooooo star trek huh? Hows that going for you???"
He looked pretty old and no one was in line for his autograph but he sat there smiling at people. Oh well he was probably a really nice guy, and now I'll never get his autograph or talk to him. I wanted to tell him that the Enterprise shouldn't be hauling garbage but that it should hauled away AS garbage!!!

he would probably punch me.

It turns out he really wasn't Scottish or even from the future!!!

Captain Naps Video Game Pick of the Year: NightShade part1: the claws of sutekh (for NES) there was no part 2. its a pretty fun game.

Shitcargo

Is Chicago a good city? I really have no idea. I have no desire to ever go there though. People always tell me that "it's a good place, you hould visit it" and then I say "Oh have you been there?" and they always say "Well...no". Seriously this happened to me like 3 times. This is all I know about Chicago...

1. They have Pizzaria Uno's Chicago Grill. Assuming they really have that in Chicago and it's not just a gimmicky name. I actually hate this place, I went there once with two friends of mine and they put us in this lovers booth that was set apart from the rest of the seating area....then again it may have been the Negro Table. I'm not sure.

2. They have Mr. T (MR. T threw out the first pitch at the White Sox/Red Sox game the other night. I guess thats pretty cool. T is such a crackhead...but not. I wish I could just naturally act like a coked-up drug addict.)

3. They have Billy Corigan (He sang Take Me Out To The Ball Game at last years All Star Game i think, he's so ugly....I always thought actually looked like a Smashing Pumpking, like his head is a pumpking in the process of smashing...literally...it's true).

4. They had the Great Chicago fire....not the greatest thing to be known for.

Anyway, I know shit about Chicago.

Interested?

I am hypnotizing you.....you will click on my link this time. You will click it, unlike last time when nobody cut and pasted my link. You will do as I say. And....AWAKE!

READ THIS
There it's linked.  Click it and tell me that
it's not the funniest
title of a news article ever?

Also if anyone has seen this movie, let me know if
it's any good.  I know Depp is good and all, but I think
I buy Gene Wilder being a child-molester more than I do Depp.

Witch's Brew

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Shark Weak etc.

I have three quick thing to say here.

1. Shark week on the Discovery Channel is weak and pointless. Every year is the same shit. I mean seriously....has anything mind-blowing been discovered in the last 20 years on the Shark front? The answer my friends is no.

2. Purell Hand Sanitzer looks like cum. Sorry, but it needs to be said. OK maybe it lacks the pearl colored hue, but it's still disturbing.

3. Slang ruins so many words huh? Just think that at some point words like Gay, Queer and Fag meant something totally different. Try and say the words Rod, Bone and Booty without thinking of something sexual. What i'm leading to you ask? Ha ha........hahaha...................hahahahahaahaa.............. ah..............anyway. I'm trying to say that the word Facial has been officially ruined. I will prove my point with one sentence. "For my Moms birthday i'm gonna give her a facial." Nuff said.

Eminem to make final bow as solo artist-report

Does anyone care? I don't. I friggin despize Eminem, he's everything I hate all rolled into one. From his bleached hair to his....bleched hair. He's not tough, he's just a whinny dickhead. Anyway, since when is a skinny white kid considered tough anyway? Did you ever get a headache so bad that it made you puke? That happened to me yesterday, it sucked.

More Fun at the Mall

I called in sick today at work (at my job as a Star Ship Captain...right????) so that I could go to the Mall and return my Computer Game. I go their at 10:30 and the store was closed. Every other store in the Mall was open except for EB Games. So I had to hang out till 12 when it opened. I did end up returning my Used copy of Freedom Force for a new copy but the female clerk had a real sourpuss on her face. Thats right, a sourpuss. It was the same girl who sold me the used copy.
I bought video game insurance for 3 dollars./?????WHY??? because the girl had big boobs, thats why.
The Mall has the worst food court. Umi of Japans? Bandito's Chicken (or something like that) Umi's of Japan has all asians working there (I don't know if they are were Japs though) and Bandito's has all hispanic people working there. The Pasta Place had Italians and the Boston Chowdah company had all Bostonians working there!! Its Racism!!! What if I wanted to work at Umi's of Japan???? I probably couldn't because I am not some stupid Asian person.
Plus Boston Chowdah is an ethnic slur that I find very offensive.

I ended my Day at the Library. I hate the Library its all annoying Kids and its not like they are reading, they are all on the internet. Why did libraries get computers? so kids can look up stuff about meth and homeless people can look up porn. thats why.

I got kicked off, yet another messageboard today. This time it was a comic book message board. The topic was gays in comics and I said it was all a scam to get little kids who read comics to become gay because gay men like underage boys.
How is that offensive??? Its true. Straight men like underage girls so why would Gay Men like Underage boys??? whatever. that makes the 1,426th messageboard that i have been kicked off of.

In conclusion the Mall sucks especially at 10:30 am , no hot teen chicks. The Library always sucks because its filled with poor people who can't afford internet access. And I am a total nerd because not only do I read comics I must discuss them on-line.
anyway here is a funny link to wacky old school comic book covers (its pretty funny I guess)

http://www.superdickery.com/seduction/36.html

I can't tell....

A follow up to the Captain Naps post here.... There's two thing that I can't tell anymore. (that was the oddest sentence ever) 1. How old a girl is. AND 2. If a guy is gay.

A) Girls all look 20+ to me, when in reality they are 13+. This is disturbing and if you ask me ... a national crisis. I'm sorry but, the statutory rape laws should be eradicated from the books. Not so dudes can score with teens, but because I bet on many occasions a dude scores with a teen thinking she's much older and then he gets bagged for rape?!?! Who's in fault there? The girl. See kids it's the womens fault when she gets raped.....um in this case at least....i think. Anyway, you get my drift.

B) This whole femanized straight guy thing is really getting out-of-control. I think they call it "metrosexual", now i'm far-far-far from a Macho Guy and Captain Naps is even further than me, but when you spend more than 15 minutes getting dressed and combing your hair...then your tredding on gay. If you put any amount of make-up on your face, go tanning or use more than one hair product... then your tredding on gay. When you psychotically wipe down your car every night or clean your sneakers daily ... then you may be a redneck ... i mean your tredding on gay. And the saddest thing is that THESE are the dudes that get the hottest chicks INCLUDING the teens at the mall! See how I tied it all in. I'm so cool. Why do chicks like femanine men, think back to the 80's, remember Poison?!?! Think of the women they got. Well i'm off to the great State of New Hampshire, after I watch that great reality show about a hair salon called "Blowout" .... really it's a good show.

-Mugato

My adventures at the Mall

This is Captain Naps , y'all wiggity wiggity wack.
Ahem
Anyways as I was saying I was at the mall sunday with Mugato. I bought "city of heroes 2" at EB games. The lady made me buy it used, I wanted the new copy but she insisted that i take the slightly cheaper used one (the new copy was 29 dollars the used copy was 23 dollars). So i get home and it doesn't fucking work. That fucking cunt tricked me. I probably can't return it now either. She hypnotised me with her boobs.
Anyway the girls at the mall where all hot.
So here is the actual topic for today

Greatest books ever written by humans in the 20th century earth.

1. American Psycho-by Brett Easton Ellis
Its like a million times better than the movie! more killing and more sex!! shoving a sewer rat into someones privates! cutting womens heads off and then having sex with it!! um...social commentary????
also a pretty good review of Huey lewis and the News complete discography.

2. Gods Grace- by some guy
This book is a lost classic! In fact I lost it. I think I let mugato borrow it so I'll probably never see it again, plus he probably read it on the toliet so I don't want it back anyway. This book is about the end of the world and only one guy is left alive. He finds some monkey who learns to talk and they become friends. Plus he meets some other monkeys that learn to talk
(spoiler!!!!!)
This book has super hot man/monkey sex!!!! This is the only book that really delievers on the promise of monkey sex. Alot of books say they have monkey sex but this book REALLY has it and its hot, unlike say Alex Haley's Roots (hahha now thats racist!!!! )

Well thats all the books I have ever read anyway so its a pretty short list.

Capt. Naps Video game pick of the week: River City Ransom (nes):
Once again I am not going to actually discuss why I picked this game, I am too fucking lazy. its a good game, believe me or don't. Now its time for me to BLAST OFF!!! INTO SPACE!!!

Smell-a-portation

teleportation is impossible because if the heisenberg uncertainity principal. I didn't even bother clicking on Mugato's link because it wasn't even click-able!! Muggy you lazy bastard!
See folks, Mugato got kicked off the internet at work (at his space bar) because he downloaded child porn......Julia Child Porn!!!!!

Well Have fun folks this is Captain Naps signing off. Keep Watching the Stars!!!!!!!

Naps Game Pick of The Day: Maniac Mansion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I would discuss why I picked this game but screw it I am lazy)

I went to the Mall with Mugato today, I feel so gay.

Teleportation

It's finally almost, kinda, sorta happening! Teleporting! Now I can go from here to there....quickly! Unlike before, when I could go from here to there only marginally quickly. This is so odd because I just started to read that book "Timeline" by Michael Cri??ton. Actually I'm listening to the book on tape, which is very depressing I must say. I'm so lazy that I can't even read anymore, it's very sad.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20050708/sc_space/teleportationexpresslanespacetravel

Because of lack of Posts I have decided to split posting duties with my good friend Captain Naps. Therefore I'm now going to apologize for anything horrible that he might say.

Gyros-Cope

You know that stupid food thing called a Gyros? I never would order one because I have no clue how to say it. So I looked it up...it's Yee-Ros. So I call the sub-shop, I say yeah gimme the Yee-Ros. They have no clue what i'm talking about, so i say Jai-Ros. And they understood. So In conclusion, just say Jai-Ros. I felt like a dick. It sucked. I was embaressed. But my Gyros was good. Friggin Greeks

South Park is the worstest show ever of all time in the history of the universe.

Wawawawazup! Ever since they took my internet away at work, i havn't had a chance to write in my blog. Now I actually have to work!! How dare they!!! .....um work at my bar that is?!?! Whatever. I really hate South Park. Always did and always will. I can't stand when shows/movies/comedians/humans in general - try too hard to be edgey and shocking. What I enjoy is witty and naturally sick humor. For instance I don't try to laugh when I hear a deaf person talk....it just seems to happen on it's own. This is why I hate South Park, it's very predictable. Hmmm lets see Terry Shiavo's in the news today....I wonder what South Park will be about tonight?!?! They take every sterotypical "shocking" piece of material and use it...and use it...and use it. SP lacks creativeness and originality. There are so many other great "cartoons" that are actually well written yet still edgey, such as: Family Guy, American Dad, Simpsons, Home Movies, Sealab, King of the Hill, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Harvey Birdman, Dr. Katz, The Critic, ....even Duckman! Anyway, I'd rather talk to Capt. Naps or read Donald "Kung" Fuwalda's blog - I laugh way more than when I watch crappy-ass South Park.

....man my spelling is getting worse with age.

Stank Phily

So I visited Philadelphia, PA, EARTH recently. It's not that great. Did you know that the actual Constitution isn't even there? And the cheese steaks are the same as a steak & cheese sub? And the famous pretzels are.....pretzels. Washington's Crossing wasn't even opened, it's in New Hope, PA i think, I was disappointed by the lack of Star Wars refferences in New Hope, PA. The Phily Zoo was top notch, but it's seriously in the worst ghetto i've ever seen. Philadelphia is a sub-par Bruce Springsteen song, but a damn funny Tom Hanks comedy. The best thing that came from the trip to Philly was this immortal line uttered by a thuggish black youth inside a Subway Resteraunt in Levittown, PA. "Yo, gimme the muthafuckin' Jarrod". The funny thing was, the lady new exactly what he meant.

You say Tomato, I say Caramelo

I overheard some lady saying Carmel today...she pronounced it Car-Mle. This really pissed me off, i don't know why, but it did. I say it like this...Care-a-mel (something like that). I guess i'm probebly the one thats saying it wrong, based on the spelling "Carmel". But is the candy bar not a Caramelo!!! I just hate when the Caramelo carmel gets on my chin, it's very mozzarella-esque. Or whatever, OK so it's a bad point. Granted i have a horrible accent, but at least I don't live in Minnesota (comment fishing), anyway I hate accents in general...mine included. Northeasterners all sound retarded, Southerners all sound retarded, West Coasteners all sound retarded and Fargo-esque-iners all sound retarded and also people that pronounce every friggin' letter are f-ing snobs (such people from Connecticut)....everyone covered? I'm a big fan of the homosexual male accent.....aka French. I guess an accent actually has nothing to do with my original point, the fact that I say Care-a-mel and you say Car-Mle. For all you humans that say Car-Mle, i don't hate, I just think your all snobs. Now I leave you with these words of wisdom "Streeeeeeetch it Out (out, out) CARAMELO!!!

The Way Enterprise SHOULD end.

Here's the way Enterprise SHOULD end....by Mugato

During a terrorist plot to take over the ship the crew is injected with lethal amounts of steroids. They now suffer from severe roid-rage and are fighting amungst each other.

Int: Bridge of the Enterprise

The crew is physically fighting each other, this fight scene will last 30 minutes.

ARCHER
(punching Travis in the face)
"I am an Archer! Like the mighty Oliver Queen!"

TRAVIS
(laughing)
"Ha Ha, bring it bitch. For I am Lee Travis...AKA The Crimson Avenger!!!"

TRIP comes crashing through a brick wall

DR. PHLOX
"Trip! You be Trippin'!"

TRIP
(kicks DR. PHLOX's head off)
GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!

SATO
(picking up a complete copy of Hitchhikers Guide)
Hey Reed! Read this!!!

SATO flattens Reeds face

REED
(dying)
Take me....away.....Heart of Gold.

Scene Ends

Int: Archers Quarters

ARCHER and T'POL are having sex

ARCHER
"YOOOOOWWZZAAAA"

ARCHER looks into his large ceiling mirror above his bed, he realizes that it wasn't T'Pol - it was actually Tuvak (the black Vulcan from Voyager)

ARCHER
"Oh Boy"

SCENE ENDS

EXT: A Sunny Beach

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

BAKULA
"Wow, what a horrible dream"

Camera Pans out revealing a naked Tuvak lying next to him

BAKULA
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

SCENE ENDS

INT: Set of Quantum Leap

Scott Bakula is jostled from his sleep.

BAKULA
"Wow, what a horrible dream, I can't believe I had sex with a black"

Voice: "We're ready for your next scene Mr. Bakula"

Camera Pans out showing a filimg session of Quantum Leap

FADE TO BLACK

SCREEN TEXT: "Three Days later Scott Bakula died in a plane crash"

-THE END-

The End Is Near

From what I hear, the worst series ending in the history of TV is about to happen. Worse than Roseanne, remember?...it was all a book? Well, this is actually on the same idea. I'm talking about "Enterprise". Sure they had to rush the ending because it got cancelled, but my GOD! From what I heard from 2 sources "T'Pol from the Boston Herald" and "Captain Naps from Jet Magazine", rumor has it that the ending is thus: "It's all a Holodeck simulation set up by Riker and Troi". If this proves to be true, then I'll never watch Enterprise reruns...EVER AGAIN!!!!! Reports have it that Jolene Blalock (sp?) is extremely upset over the final script, she also claims that she has been a Star Trek fan for years....YEAH RIGHT! NO HOT CHICK IS A STAR TREK FAN!